Secrets
by erm31323
Summary: AU - Remus Lupin and Lily Evans had been friends since the day of their sorting. One day they become something more, until a horrible tragedy forces Remus to make the hardest decision of his life. Choices made years ago will be revealed and forever change what everyone always thought was true. RL/LE, eventual LE/JP. While an AU storyline, this does follow canon events through POA.
1. Meeting Lily

**A/N - Hi everyone! Here is my newest story. First let me say that normally I am a total James/Lily, Remus/Tonks shipper, but this was one of those plot bunnies that got in my head and wouldn't leave. This story is completely written and probably 10-12 chapters. I will be posting chaps on Mondays and Thursdays. Usually I write T or below, rating wise, but this one, while not overly graphic, does cross the line to M. So those of you who have read my other stories, please be aware of that. And while it is an AU, it does follow most canon events up through POA. Hope you enjoy and please let me know what you think! **

**Meeting Lily**

**1 September 1993**

Remus kept his eyes closed and forced himself to breathe deeply and evenly, but his heart was pounding in his chest. Had he not thrown his robes over himself as a coverlet, he was quite sure the three children in the compartment would have seen it.

He was here. Harry was here, sitting right across from him. The wolf, still so close to the surface after the full moon just the night before, was howling. Part of his pack was back. The cub, sitting right before him, was here and the wolf wanted Moony to claim him once more. Remus shoved the wolf back and wrestled with him for control, all the while keeping his face slack and his breathing even.

When the three teens finally quit trying to figure out who he was and lapsed into conversation of their own, Remus allowed one eye to open a mere slit. Harry was turned toward the boy next to him, gesturing with his hands and Remus could only see him in profile. James' messy hair jumped out at him and the earpiece of a pair of glasses. The line of his jaw was James' as well, as was the ear. And then Harry turned and it was all Remus could do not to gasp aloud. For there were the eyes he never thought he would see again. Lily's eyes. The bright emerald green just a shade lighter than summer grass and a shade darker than newly budded leaves.

Remus squeezed his eye shut, trying to block out the pain that seeing those eyes again brought. He tried to ignore the memories that were pushing against the wall he had hidden them behind. His brain was thudding in time with the beat of his heart and finally, he could hold them back no more. Somewhere a dam broke and the flood of memories overwhelmed him, blocking out the conversation around him.

* * *

**1 September 1971 – First year**

Remus sat nervously atop the stool when his name was called. The professor put the old hat on top of his head and he immediately heard a voice somewhere in his mind.

"Ah, Remus Lupin, made it here after all I see," the hat said and Remus' brow furrowed in confusion. The hat must have known his name because the teacher had said it, but how did it know that he almost didn't come to Hogwarts. The hat chuckled. Could hats chuckle?

"Where to put you, where to put you," the hat continued. "Plenty of smarts, that's for sure, Ravenclaw might suit, but not completely," the hat continued. "Not Slytherin, while you are anxious to prove yourself, you do not want to do it the Slytherin way. Loyalty yes, I see that as well, but perhaps Hufflepuff is not the place for you either. And courage must be there for you to deal with what you do every month, Gryffindor perhaps." Remus sat in fear, thinking the hat would tell him that he didn't belong here after all. That there was no house that would want a monster like him in it.

"Do not underestimate your fellows, Mr. Lupin," the hat continued. "Some of them may just surprise you." Remus startled at this, how _could_ the hat read his thoughts anyway, and almost missed the next thing the hat said. "GRYFFINDOR!"

The professor pulled the hat from his head and smiled down at him as one of the tables in the hall exploded into applause. Remus grinned and jumped from the stool, making his way to the table almost directly in front of him.

A girl with beautiful green eyes and red hair smiled and moved down the bench she was sitting on. Remus sat down next to her with a nod. Right, she had been sorted just a few minutes ago, he couldn't remember her name though.

"Lily Evans," she said before he could ask and stuck out a hand towards him.

"Remus Lupin," he replied and she gave him another smile as he shook her hand. Her smile made her look even prettier, he decided. A boy sitting across from them looked over a bit cockily and stuck his own hand forward.

"Sirius Black," he said and both Remus and Lily shook it, although Lily was looking at him with a bit of distaste. Remus remembered the shocked silence in the hall and a few hisses from the Slytherin table when Sirius had been sent to Gryffindor. He wondered what that was about.

The three turned back to the sorting as a girl named Mary Macdonald sat down and was sent to their table a few seconds later. Peter Pettigrew came next and then James Potter, who high-fived Sirius as he sat down. Two more girls joined their number and then the sorting was finished.

As the food appeared and they began piling their plates full, Lily turned back to Remus.

"Can you believe this?" she asked incredulously as she looked around at the sheer volume of food, not to mention the way it had just magically appeared on all the tables.

"It's quite impressive," Remus agreed, putting some mashed potatoes on his plate. "My dad tried to describe it to me, but I don't think words do it justice."

"My parents are muggles," Lily explained. "So I had no idea about any of this until I was around nine. And even then, I didn't hear anything about a feast like this." Remus looked at her quizzically. His mother was muggle-born as well, but she told him that she'd had no idea about anything magical until she'd gotten her letter at age eleven.

"Nine?" he asked.

"Oh yes, that's when I met Severus," Lily said. She glanced over at the Slytherin table and caught the eye of a boy with sallow skin and long, greasy hair. She gave him a little wave and he glowered at her and then looked back down at his plate. Lily sighed. "He's upset that I didn't get put in Slytherin."

"Slytherin? Who'd want to be in Slytherin?" the boy named James said. "All a bunch of dark lord wannabees over there." Lily's eyes narrowed.

"You don't even know him," she said angrily. "Severus isn't a dark wizard."

"Listen to him," Sirius piped up, pointing a thumb at James. "My whole family's been in Slytherin forever. And they're all a bunch of Dark Arts lovers. Except Andy." Ah, so that explained the hissing, Remus thought.

"Who's Andy?" Remus asked.

"My cousin," Sirius said his mouth full of food. Lily and Mary watched him disgustedly. "She graduated a couple years ago, married a muggle-born. Got kicked out of the family for it."

"She got disowned for that?" Lily asked incredulously.

"Yep," Sirius said, shoveling in more food as if he'd never eat again. "Told you, Slytherins are crazy."

"There are bad apples everywhere," Lily said airily, eyeing Sirius and James with revulsion as they both piled as much food as they could possibly get into their mouths. "I don't think it has anything to do with what house you're in." James snorted and then somehow swallowed the ridiculously large ball of food in his mouth.

"There's not a wizard around that went bad that wasn't from Slytherin," he said, pointing his fork at Lily for emphasis.

"Yeah," Sirius replied. "You should see my cousin Bella." He actually shuddered and set his fork down, suddenly looking sick. Lily just shook her head and turned to Mary, ignoring the boys across from her.

"Sirius, you all right mate?" James asked. Sirius sat in silence for a moment, then turned to James and smiled, picking his fork up once more.

"Yeah, fine," he said. "What's for afters do you think?" As if his question had conjured it, dinner disappeared and the puddings took its place. The two boys went back to eating and Remus cut himself a large slice of chocolate cake.

"Could you pass the treacle tart?" he heard from across the table. Looking up, he saw the small, roundish boy that was sitting next to James and had been quiet for the entire meal.

"Sure," Remus said, handing the boy the platter. "I'm Remus by the way."

"Peter," the boy said, his face instantly reddening. Remus nodded and went back to his cake. When the headmaster had dismissed them some time later, Remus found himself walking next to Lily as they were led to their dormitory. She was gazing at everything with a look of astonishment on her face. Remus smiled at her enthusiasm.

"You know," she said. "It's one thing for someone to tell you that portraits can talk, but it's another to see it for yourself." Remus laughed a little.

"My mum has some muggle photos from when she was a girl," he said. "I think it's awfully strange that they _don't_ move."

"Yes, I suppose that would be odd, if you were used to this," she waved a hand at the portraits covering the walls.

The two chatted amiably as they continued the walk to the tower. Once they had reached the common room and the prefects had directed them to their dormitories, Lily yawned widely.

"Oh my, sorry," she said, blushing a bit. "I guess I'm more tired than I thought. I didn't sleep much last night."

"Me either," Remus admitted. He had still been convinced that someone was going to show up and tell him that they'd made a mistake and he wouldn't be allowed at Hogwarts after all. They reached the stairs where they would have to separate to the girl's and boy's dorms.

"I guess I'll see you tomorrow for classes," Lily said.

"Yes, I guess so," Remus replied. "Good night Lily."

"Good night, Remus," she said with a smile and then turned and walked up her staircase. Remus watched her go until he was bumped from behind by James and Sirius.

"Oi Lupin, what are you waiting for?" James asked as Remus blocked the stairs.

"Sorry," he mumbled and he hurried up the stairs into his new home.

* * *

**23 March 1972**

"Your mum's sick a lot huh?" Peter said, as Remus grabbed a change of clothes and shoved them in his knapsack.

"Yeah, I guess," Remus replied, trying to keep his face neutral.

"Can't the healers fix her?" Peter asked and Remus' heart started to pound a bit faster.

"Not so far," Remus said, shrugging his shoulders.

"How come you always have to go see her?" Peter asked. Remus breathed deeply to keep his anger in check. It was always harder to do the day of the moon. Peter was usually quiet and didn't say much. Remus thought he was intimidated by James and Sirius and maybe even by Remus, a little. James and Sirius were best mates, had been since the first day. They were friendly with the other two and all four boys got along, but it was normally James and Sirius and Remus and Peter.

Remus didn't mind overly much. Peter was timid and shy, but he was nice enough and he usually didn't ask many questions. Today seemed to be the exception, however.

"Wouldn't you go see your mum if she might die?" Remus demanded, some of his anger finally escaping. The rest of him just felt enormous shame at lying to his friend.

"Sh-she might…die?" Peter repeated tentatively.

"Well she keeps getting sick, you never know what could happen," Remus replied flatly. Peter left him alone after that. Remus grabbed his Charms and Transfiguration books from his bedside table and shoved them in the bag as well. He had essays due in both classes in two days. Might as well get a start on them tomorrow in the hospital wing. Madame Pomfrey always made him stay longer than he needed to, at least in Remus' opinion.

"See you tomorrow, Pete," Remus said, grabbing his bag and leaving the dorm. He made it through the common room and out the portrait hole without having to speak to anyone, but when he stepped through the portrait, he came face to face with James and Sirius.

"Off to the library again Remus?" Sirius joked.

"No, I've got to see my mum," Remus said quickly, trying to move past his dorm mates.

"She's sick again?" James asked incredulously.

"Yeah, I don't really think she ever got better from last time," Remus lied. "I just don't think my dad wanted me to worry."

"That's rough mate," Sirius said. "What's the matter with her again? I forgot what you said before." Truth be told, Remus had forgotten what he said before too.

"Er, well, the healers aren't sure," he said lamely. "I'd better go." He tried to walk around the two, but James stepped to the side and blocked his way.

"Are you sure there's nothing you want to tell us Remus?" James asked, looking concerned. For a moment, Remus thought for sure that they knew. But they couldn't, Remus was extremely careful.

"No," Remus said and James and Sirius exchanged a look. "I'll see you guys tomorrow." And then he walked quickly past James before he could be stopped again. He hurried quickly toward the hospital wing, continually glancing over his shoulder to make sure that no one was following him. Once inside, he leaned against the closed doors to the ward. He wasn't sure just how he was going to be able to keep this up for the next six years.

* * *

**9 November 1972 – Second year**

They knew. They knew and they didn't hate him. Remus was wandering the halls, trying to come out of his shocked stupor. James, Sirius and Peter knew and they had confronted him just an hour before. Remus had stammered and stuttered and tried to make excuses, but James and Sirius would have none of it. They knew and they were still his friends. So lost was he in his thoughts that he turned another corner without watching where he was going and ran right into someone, falling to the ground.

"Oh Remus, I'm sorry," a small voice said and Remus looked up to see Lily standing over him. She held out a hand and helped haul him to his feet.

"That's all right Lily," Remus replied with a smile. "I wasn't watching where I was going."

"You're in an awfully good mood," Lily said with a grin of her own. "Finished that potions essay already?"

"No, not yet," Remus answered. "It's just been a good day."

"Is your mum doing better?" Lily asked and Remus startled.

"Wh-who told you that?" he stuttered out.

"Oh, well I asked Peter one day why you kept disappearing all the time and he said that your mum was sick and you had to go visit her." Lily looked at him in confusion.

"Oh, yeah, right, er, no, no she's not completely better," Remus said. "But the healers are hoping that they might have found something." Lily's face brightened.

"Well that's great then," Lily said. Remus noticed how her eyes sparkled when she smiled. He rubbed the back of his neck nervously.

"Yeah, I hope so," Remus said. "Um, are you going back to the tower?"

"Yes," Lily said. "I forgot my charms book so I'll just do my reading in my dorm."

"I'll walk with you if you don't mind," Remus said.

"Of course not," Lily replied and gave him her biggest smile yet. Remus couldn't help but return it and the two chatted all the way back to Gryffindor Tower.

* * *

**23 September 1973 – Third year**

"What about you Remus?" Sirius asked, popping another Bertie Bott's Bean into his mouth.

"I don't know," Remus said quietly.

"Come on, there's got to be at least one," Sirius continued, grimacing and spitting out the bean he'd just taken a bite of. Remus shrugged.

"Maybe it's not a girl," James said with a grin. "Maybe he fancies a bloke." Peter's eyes widened at this and Sirius broke into laughter.

"Har, har, you prat," Remus said, throwing his pillow at James' head.

"So there _is_ one," Sirius said. "A girl I mean." Remus just shrugged again. Fancying girls was a new thing for Remus and to be honest, he wasn't exactly sure he liked her like_ that_. She was his friend that much was true. And his heart did seem to pound a little faster when he was around her and his hands got sweaty sometimes and he could feel himself blushing others. Who was he kidding? He fancied her.

"All right fine, we'll come back to you," Sirius said, chucking a bean at Remus. "James?"

"Well, I decided when I saw her on the train this year," James said, tossing a snitch in the air over and over. He'd taken to doing it at the end of last year, intending on trying out for a spot on the Quidditch team this year, either chaser or seeker. Sirius was going for beater.

"So who is it?" Peter prompted.

"Evans," James replied. Remus' heart dropped to his stomach. James fancied Lily?

"She had a _good_ summer," James continued. He wiggled his eyebrows up and down and Sirius laughed.

"Too true, mate, too true," Sirius said with a sigh. "Macdonald didn't have too bad a summer herself."

"You two are disgusting," Remus spat, unable to control his anger over James' comments about Lily.

"What the bloody hell's wrong with you?" Sirius asked, looking at Remus.

"She has a _first_ name," Remus continued vehemently. "And she's my friend."

"Okay, okay, sorry Remus," James said, catching the snitch and putting his hands up placatingly. "I thought that _Lily_ looked even more beautiful this year. Better?" Remus scowled and turned back to his Arithmancy book. James, Sirius and Peter went back to discussing girls, although Peter mostly listened. He was terrified of girls as far as Remus could see. Remus didn't miss the curious glances Sirius sent him now and then.

Although he turned the pages of his book, Remus wasn't really reading it. James fancied Lily. And looking between his friend and himself, Remus was sure that James was far more appealing than him. He was taller, more muscular and for whatever reason, girls seemed to swoon over his ridiculous mop of hair. Sirius, of course, was the best looking of the four and he knew it. But James attracted his fair share of female attention. Plus, he had that confident, cocky attitude that seemed to drive girls crazy for some reason. The quartet had already played their fair share of pranks over the last couple of years and James and Sirius had landed in detention more often than not. Remus had more than a hand in these. In fact, he was often the brains that put James and Sirius' mad ideas into action. Unlike his friends, however, Remus didn't want to be in the spotlight. He was perfectly happy with his background role. And so, he did not get the female attention James and Sirius did for doing the exact same things. Not that he expected to get the female attention James and Sirius did anyway, pranks or no.

Not to mention the rather large issue that he turned into a monster once a month. No girl would want to date anyone like him. They'd probably run screaming in the other direction. Just because his three friends had accepted the fact that he was a werewolf, didn't mean anyone else would. No, Remus would just have to be happy only being Lily's friend. She deserved much better.

"Come on Remus," Sirius said, pulling Remus' attention back to the previous conversation. "There's got to be at least one. How about that blonde Hufflepuff? What's her name?"

"Chambers," James supplied.

"Yeah, her," Sirius agreed. She was nice-looking, Remus thought and he had talked to her once or twice.

"Yeah, she's nice," Remus replied, mostly to get Sirius off his back.

"There you go then," Sirius said with a smirk. "Now we've just got to find someone for old Petey here and we'll be all set." Peter blushed from his neck to the roots of his hair. Remus didn't like to think badly of his friend, but he highly doubted they'd find a girl for Peter.

* * *

**12 February 1974**

Remus walked into the library, hoping to find Lily. They had an Arithmancy project due and Remus was having trouble with a small part of it. As he rounded the stacks to her usual spot, Remus hoped that Snape wasn't with her. The two were still friends, despite being sorted into rival houses, and they often studied together. While Lily told Remus he was welcome to join them anytime, Snape's sneering face led Remus to believe that he most certainly was not welcome. Luckily, Lily was alone.

"Hello Lily," Remus said quietly. Lily looked up from her work and a wide grin spread over her face. Her eyes sparkled the way Remus liked and he shoved back against the feelings that were trying to make themselves known in the pit of his stomach.

"Hi Remus," she said brightly.

"Can I join you?" he asked. "I've got a question about Arithmancy."

"Sure, sit down," Lily said, gesturing to the chair across from her. Remus pulled out the chair and unloaded his parchment and book from his bag.

"It's this part here," he said, pointing to a rather complicated looking equation on his parchment. "I just can't get the numbers to work out properly." Lily pulled the parchment towards her, brow furrowed in concentration and began to go over Remus' work.

"Hm, everything looks right to me," she mused, running her finger over the symbols and numbers. "Oh wait, here it is." She pointed to a section of the equation. "You forgot to move this number here." Remus looked at the spot Lily was pointing to.

"Of course, you're right, how stupid of me," he shook his head and went to pull the parchment back towards himself, muttering under his breath.

"It was an easy mistake to make," Lily assured him. "Don't be so hard on yourself." She patted his hand with a smile. As her fingers touched Remus' skin, he felt a jolt of electricity and he started, looking up at her. Lily seemed to have felt it as well, for she jumped a bit in her chair, her eyes widening. They stared at each other for a few moments before Remus looked back down at his assignment, hand unconsciously rubbing the back of his neck.

"Right, er, well, thanks," he said lamely, hurriedly gathering up his things and shoving them in his bag.

"You're leaving?" Lily asked confused.

"Yeah, um, I just remembered that I need to, er, meet Sirius for, uh, something we need to do," Remus said hurriedly. "Thanks again Lily, see you later." And he nearly ran from the library.

Once in the corridor, Remus stopped and leaned against the stone wall, closing his eyes and smacking his head lightly backwards.

"Stupid, stupid, stupid," he chanted under his breath.

"Finally realizing what the rest of us have known for years Lupin?" a voice next to him drawled. Remus opened his eyes and glared at the newcomer. He was in no mood for this today.

"What do you want Snape?" he spat.

"Temper, temper, Lupin," Snape warned. "Although I have heard that is a…side effect of some less common…afflictions." Remus' eyes narrowed at Snape's seemingly triumphant sneer.

"If you've got something to say Snape, just say it," Remus snapped. "I'm not in the mood for your innuendos and insinuations."

"I assure you Lupin," Snape sneered. "I don't waste my time thinking about what might be _wrong_ with _you_." Remus just shook his head and began to walk away.

"How's your mother?" Snape called after him. Remus stopped in his tracks, but did not turn around. "Yes, I heard she's been ill and that's where you disappear to every month. Like clockwork. Curious that." Remus forced himself to ignore Snape's taunting and began to walk again. He heard Snape's sneering laughter long after he'd turned the corner.

* * *

**3 September 1974 – Fourth year**

Remus groaned as he made his way back to Gryffindor tower. Why did the full moon have to be right at the beginning of classes this year? The moon had been on the 1st, so he'd just stayed home, finally feeling halfway well enough to return to school today. His father had apparated with him into Hogsmeade and Hagrid had met them at the school gates and walked Remus to the castle. His trunk was shrunken inside his pocket, since Remus would be able to enlarge it himself once he arrived.

He'd timed his arrival so that everyone would be in classes when he got there. He would need to talk to his roommates to find out what excuse they'd given everyone for Remus' absence. The story about his mother had gotten old and rather suspicious sounding, so at the end of last year, they had sometimes said that Remus himself was sick. Remus assumed they had used the same this time.

As he entered the common room, Hagrid having given him the password, Remus sighed in relief. It was empty and he hadn't met anyone on his way up either. There was always a chance some of the 6th or 7th years might have had a free period. He began to walk tiredly across the common room towards the dorm stairs, yawning widely as he did so. He rubbed absentmindedly at the new scar he'd given himself two days ago near his temple and bumped directly into someone.

"Sorry," he said automatically, looking down to see who he'd knocked over. Lily Evans lay sprawled on the floor. She looked even more beautiful than she had when he'd last seen her in June. "Lily!" he exclaimed, then knelt down next to her. "Are you all right? I'm so sorry, I wasn't paying attention, I,"

"Remus!" she cut him off with a laugh. "I'm fine. Stop apologizing."

"Sorry," he said again and they both grinned. He held a hand out to help her up and winced as the muscles in his back pulled.

"Are you all right?" she asked in concern once she was standing.

"Fine, just a bit sore," he said. "Aren't you supposed to be in class?"

"I forgot my Charms book and Professor Flitwick let me come back for it," she explained. "Where have you been?"

"Uh, didn't James and Sirius tell you?" he asked nervously.

"I'm asking you," she said pointedly, crossing her arms in front of her.

"I was, er, ill," he said. "Just needed a couple of days to rest, you know." He shrugged and smiled, trying to look casual.

"Potter said your mother was sick again," Lily's eyes narrowed.

"Oh, well, right, I mean she was, erm," he trailed off, looking at Lily, his hand straying to the back of his neck. "She was sick and I must have caught something from her, so that's why I was home until today." He looked at her triumphantly, but his look faded as he saw the suspicion in her eyes.

"You know that you rub the back of your neck when you're nervous, don't you?" she asked and Remus stared at her, gobsmacked. "I noticed it way back in first year," Lily continued. "You also do it when you're lying."

"I'm not lying," Remus said lamely. His hand began to move again and he looked at it and then let it drop to his side. Lily stared at him for moment longer and Remus felt as if she was staring into his very soul. Then she shook her head.

"I thought we were friends," she said.

"We are!" Remus insisted.

"Friends trust each other Remus," Lily said.

"I do trust you Lily, it's just," he stopped again, shaking his head. He couldn't tell her this, he just couldn't. She'd never speak to him again, he knew it. _James and Sirius and Peter did_, a little voice inside him said. _They didn't run away._ This is different, he insisted to the voice. Remus looked back up and saw Lily watching him expectantly. "My mum was ill and then so was I," he said finally. Lily's face fell.

"I've got to get to Charms," she said sadly.

"Lily, I'm sorry, I," but Lily didn't even spare him a glance as she walked out the portrait hole and disappeared from sight. Remus stood in the common room, staring after her and wondering if he'd just lost the best friend he'd ever had.

* * *

**4 September 1974**

Lily had managed to avoid Remus for the rest of the previous day, she and Mary sitting far away from the Marauders, as they had begun calling themselves, at dinner. The next morning, when Remus walked into Arithmancy, Lily was not at their usual table, but had instead sat down next to a Ravenclaw boy, Corner or something like that. Remus sighed and sat down in his normal seat, glancing back at Lily who refused to meet his eye.

That night in the common room, she had gotten up and gone up the girl's stairs to her dorm when she saw him walking towards her. Remus slumped down on the couch next to Sirius.

"What'd you do to Evans?" Sirius asked. Remus shrugged.

"Pissing off my girl, Moony?" James said. Sirius and James had recently begun calling Remus, Moony. They thought it hilarious and so far, Remus hadn't really objected.

"She's not your girl James," Remus snapped in irritation. "And can't you call her by her name?" he demanded to Sirius.

"Whoa, what's gotten into you, mate?" James asked. Remus sighed.

"Nothing, I'm just tired," he said. "I'm going to bed." Feeling his friends' eyes on his back, he stalked to the stairs. When he reached them, he saw Mary Macdonald coming down the girls' side.

"What did you do to Lily?" she demanded.

"What?" Remus asked. "I didn't do anything to her. Wait, why, what's wrong?"

"She's upstairs ranting and raving, that's what," Mary said coldly. "She cried some too and Lily _never_ cries." She shoved past Remus and walked over to the chair Lily had been sitting in, picking up her friend's bag and coming back to the stairs. Remus watched her the entire way, his mouth hanging open in shock. Mary had almost disappeared from sight when Remus called out to her. She turned and glared at him.

"Will you ask her if she'll come and talk to me?" Remus begged. He knew that his friends and probably half the common room were staring at him, but he didn't care. He had made Lily cry. He hated himself.

"Fine," Mary said in a huff and hurried out of view. A few moments later she returned. Alone. "She told me to tell you she wouldn't talk to you if you were the last person on earth," Mary said, none too quietly, and then turned around and ran back up the stairs. Remus' heart sank and he hung his head, walking dejectedly up the stairs to his dorm.

As expected, his mates were in the room moments later.

"What the bloody hell is going on Moony?" James demanded, clearly angry that Remus had made Lily so upset.

"Lily was in the common room when I got back yesterday," Remus said. "Why did you bloody gits tell her my mother was sick and that's why I wasn't here?" he continued, his voice rising. "I thought we decided that story was getting too suspicious!"

"It's the first thing that came to mind when she asked where you were," Sirius said defensively.

"Yeah, well, when I told her that I had been sick, she asked about my mum and then I got all flustered and now she won't talk to me!" Remus bellowed.

"Moony, calm down mate," Sirius said, flicking his wand at the door and casting a privacy charm on it.

"And stop calling me Moony!" Remus yelled. "Why don't you just put up a banner in the Great Hall Sirius? Telling everyone what I really am!"

"No one knows Mo-Remus," James assured him. "They won't figure it out."

"You three idiots did!" Remus roared.

"Hey!" Sirius protested indignantly. "We may not study all the time like you do, but we're not stupid." Peter had remained quiet, his eyes darting back and forth between the three of them as if following some insane 3-way tennis match.

"What is this about Remus?" James asked, his eyes narrowing. "You don't, _fancy_ Lily, do you?" Sirius' eyes widened as if in realization, only Peter looked confused.

"No, of course not," Remus answered, much too quickly. "She's just my friend, that's it."

"Then why are you so upset about this?" James persisted. Remus glanced at Sirius, who was studying him, an expression Remus couldn't read on his face.

"Because I upset her and made her cry," Remus said. "My dad always told me to never make a girl cry and I feel bad about it." He held his breath, hoping the other boy would accept his answer. "Look, I don't have a lot of friends," he continued. "I never had any friends growing up, my mum was always too afraid that someone would find out what I was. And now I've got the three of you and Lily. I don't want her upset with me. She's a good friend, that's it." He looked at James who appeared satisfied, but Sirius still wore the same odd expression that Remus couldn't place.

"All right," James said. "We'll try to talk to her for you."

"No, just leave it James," Remus said.

"Whatever you want mate," he said, clapping Remus on the shoulder. "Come on let's go back down to the common room." Peter scrambled from where he had seated himself on his bed and followed James.

"I'm just going to stay up here and finish my essay," Remus said, sitting down on his bed and pulling his bag towards him.

"Coming Sirius?" James asked.

"Yeah, in a minute, I just need to find something," Sirius said and began to rummage in his trunk. James shrugged.

"Come on Pete," he said and the two left the room. As soon as they'd gone, Sirius spun around to Remus.

"You can drop the act," he said crossing his arms in front of him.

"I don't know what you're talking about Sirius," Remus said tiredly. He'd pretty much had it with his friends this evening. Sirius walked over to his bed and sat down on the edge.

"You do fancy Evans," Sirius said.

"I don't," Remus started to protest.

"Quit lying Remus," Sirius replied. "I'm just going to say one thing. James liked her first."

"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard," Remus said, shaking his head.

"It's the truth and we're all mates which means you can't move in on someone else's woman," Sirius said.

"She's not his woman," Remus said through gritted teeth. Sirius shrugged.

"But he wants her to be and that's all that matters," Sirius replied.

"So let me get this straight," Remus said. "Just because James has a thing for Lily, even if she would never, ever go out with him in a million years, even if she decides that she likes one of the rest of us instead, it doesn't matter and no one else can date her because James 'likes' her?"

"Exactly," Sirius agreed. "Unless James decides he doesn't like her anymore, thereby releasing her back into the pool of eligible girls to the rest of us. After a designated period of time has passed of course." Remus stared at him in disbelief.

"Contrary to your little scenario there, girls do have minds of their own," Remus said dryly. "And I, for one, refuse to treat them as if they are nothing more than raffle tickets to be pulled from a hat when it suits your purpose." Sirius looked at him stupidly when Remus said 'raffle tickets', then shook his head and ignored it.

"Look Moony, I mean Remus," he corrected at Remus' glare. "James jokes around about Evans and all, but he really, really likes her. He has since first year, I think. He doesn't let on because he knows she sort of hates him and it hurts him. So he acts like an arrogant berk around her so she won't see how much she affects him."

"He's an idiot," Remus said softly.

"Yes, but he's our idiot," Sirius said fondly. Remus snorted. "If you pursue Lily, you'll lose James." Remus looked up at Sirius whose expression had never been more readable. There was not one ounce of a smirk or a joke or a prank. Sirius was, well, serious. Remus' heart clenched and his throat went dry. Getting Lily meant losing James. _But losing Lily might mean losing yourself_, that little voice inside his head said. I lost myself when I was five years old, Remus retorted. The voice sighed and Remus could just picture it shaking its head.

"Lily is my friend," Remus finally said. "That's all." Sirius smiled and clapped his friend on the shoulder, then quietly left the room.

"It doesn't matter anyway," Remus muttered. "She'll probably never speak to me again."

* * *

**13 October 1974**

Lily did in fact talk to Remus again. She asked him to pass the pumpkin juice at breakfast one morning and the mashed potatoes at dinner another. And she told him that Professor McGonagall wanted to see him one afternoon last week. Remus chose to think of it as progress.

He was walking toward the library, with a bit of a limp still. There had been another full moon at the very end of September, the infamous blue moon which, for some reason, was always more difficult for Remus transformation-wise. Not to mention his depressed state of mind, which always made things worse. The howling that night was louder, the wolf fiercer than ever at his confinement. Some kids must have dared each other to sneak as close to the shack as the wards would allow, because Remus had been able to smell humans. Seeing as he couldn't get to them, the wolf took it out on Remus. When Madam Pomfrey came to collect him the next morning she was horrified to find that Remus had nearly chewed through his own back leg. He had spent almost an entire week in the hospital wing recovering.

He had come face to face with Lily in the common room when the mediwitch had finally released him. She'd looked at his leg and the newly healed cuts on his face and hands and shook her head sadly. Remus had seen the tears in her eyes. He had opened his mouth to say something to her and then James had come clomping down the stairs and the moment was over. But he was beginning to wonder if maybe Lily knew more that she was letting on.

His friends were acting strangely as well. He had come upon the three of them more than once whispering amongst themselves, which in and of itself, wasn't so odd. The thing that was is that they would abruptly stop talking as soon as they realized Remus was within earshot instead of including him in whatever mischief they were planning. And once Remus had walked into the dorm and found James and Sirius sitting on James' bed, hovered over a book. He could have sworn that Sirius' hand was a paw, but decided later that he must have imagined it.

He finally made it to the library doors and stepped inside, crossing his fingers that Lily was alone. He needed to talk to her, try and make her understand. He missed her more than he could even put into words, even if all they could ever be was friends.

Remus walked back to Lily's normal table and sighed as he saw Snape sitting across from her. He was about to keep walking when he decided that enough was enough and Snape or no, he needed to talk to Lily.

"Lily, can I talk to you?" he said quietly stepping up to their table. Lily looked up at him in surprise and Snape glared at him.

"I don't think Lily has anything to say to you Lupin," Snape spat. "Except maybe get lost."

"This is none of your business Snape," Remus retorted. "Lily?" He looked at her beseechingly as Snape opened his mouth to say something else, but Lily put a hand to his arm and shook her head slightly.

"Five minutes," Lily said crisply.

"Can we go somewhere else?" Remus asked.

"Fine," Lily said. "I'll be right back Sev." Remus heard Snape growl under his breath and in any other circumstance, Remus would have laughed. But he was too miserable and found himself actually agreeing with the Slytherin.

Remus led Lily from the library and down a short corridor to a small alcove. When they reached it, he turned to her and nearly lost his resolve. Her face was set in anger, her arms crossed tightly in front of her. Clearly she had not softened her attitude towards him.

"What do you want Remus?" she demanded when he hadn't spoken for a few seconds.

"I wanted to say I'm sorry," he said quietly. She continued to look at him expectantly, then sighed when he didn't continue.

"Sorry that I'm not speaking to you or sorry that you don't trust me enough to tell me why you're limping or why you continually have fresh cuts on your face or arms or hands or why you miss days of class every month and have since we started school?" she said, mouth tightening. Remus was suddenly reminded of an angry McGonagall and he involuntarily shivered.

"It's not that I don't trust you Lily," he began. "It's just this is such a huge thing and I don't know how you'll take it and I don't want to lose you." Remus trailed off, finally realizing that he had lost Lily already by not confiding in her. "I don't want you to think differently of me." He stopped and took a deep breath, then looked her in the eye. "I don't want you to pity me." She blinked and he could see the shininess in her eyes.

"Remus Lupin," she whispered. "If you think that I would change my mind about you just because you're a werewolf, you're a bigger idiot than I thought." He gaped at her, unable to close his mouth, even though he knew he must look like a complete git. She knew. He had been torturing himself for weeks about how or what to tell her and she already knew. Merlin, but Lily was right. He was an idiot.

"You, you know?" he said incredulously.

"Well, of course I know," she retorted. "Do you think I'm stupid?"

"No, of course not, but what, I mean how," he trailed off shaking his head in confusion.

"I had no idea at first, I mean in the muggle world werewolves are just things in horror films and there are all kinds of crazy myths surrounding them, most of them completely false," she said. "But the more time I spent here and the more you disappeared, the more I started to suspect. So at the end of second year I did some research and for a while I thought it was your mother."

"My mother?" he asked stupidly.

"Well, yes, I mean you kept saying you were going to visit your mum when you left school and that she was sick and it was always during the full moon, so I figured it must be her," Lily continued. "But then I couldn't figure out why _you_ would need to go home when _she_ was the one that was the werewolf. And then I started paying more attention to what you looked like when you came back, pale and tired with cuts and bruises and I decided it was really you."

"So you've known since the end of second year and you didn't say anything?" Remus asked.

"I was waiting for you to tell me," she said shrugging. "I figured you would when you were ready. Your other friends already knew, so I thought you would tell me too."

"How do you know they knew?" Remus asked, completely flabbergasted by the girl in front of him. She rolled her eyes.

"It wasn't hard to figure out," she replied. "They always had such ready answers for where you were, it was like they rehearsed beforehand or something." Remus shook his head ruefully. He knew how transparent his dorm mates could be.

"But then you didn't tell me, even when you had the perfect opportunity. We were alone in the tower that day and I thought for sure you would tell me, but you didn't. Not even when I practically begged you to." The brightness he had seen in her eyes began to form into tears, one traitorously leaking from the corner of her eye and running slowly down her cheek. Remus watched it and without meaning to, brought his thumb to her cheek to wipe it away.

"Don't cry Lily," he whispered. "Please don't cry." This only made her cry all the harder and the next thing he knew she was clinging to him fiercely and his arms were around her, pulling her closer to him. "I'm sorry," he said into her hair, breathing in her scent and closing his eyes. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you, but I was afraid, afraid you would run away and not want anything to do with me any longer. I didn't want to lose you, I," he stopped, his breath hitching. Lily pulled slightly away from him and looked up at his face.

"You what Remus?" she asked, so quietly he barely heard her.

"I," he stopped again, James' face looming in the forefront of his mind. _'You'll lose James'_, he heard Sirius say again. He forced his feelings down where they had come from and pulled completely away from Lily.

"I didn't want to lose my friend," he finally said, his arms hanging limply by his sides.

"Oh," Lily said and she almost looked, disappointed? Remus shook his head as if clearing it and looked at Lily again. She was smiling a bit now, but to Remus it looked forced. "Of course you're not going to lose me as your friend," she finally said. "I would think you'd have a bit more faith in me than that." She slapped his arm playfully and he smiled.

"I am sorry Lily," he said again. "I just didn't know how to tell you, exactly."

"Well how did you tell the rest of your friends?" she asked.

"I didn't, they figured it out and confronted me at the beginning of second year," he admitted sheepishly.

"Oh, well, I guess I should have done the same then," she replied.

"No, you were right, I should have told you," he said. "I should have told them too. You are my friends. It's just, I've never really had any before, so, I guess I just didn't know," he stopped shaking his head and she put a hand on his arm. He could feel it burning into his skin and he wanted to grab her and snog the life out of her. He swallowed thickly.

"It's all right," she said. "I forgive you. Just don't do it again." She gave him a stern look and he laughed.

"So we're okay now?" he asked and she nodded. "Good. Well you better get back to Severus before he comes out here to make sure I haven't done something horrible to you." She giggled.

"I'll see you later," she said as he walked her back to the library door.

"Bye Lily," he replied. She gave a little wave and walked into the library. As the door shut behind her Remus hung his head. He was in love with Lily Evans and there wasn't anything he could do about it.


	2. Kissing Lily

**A/N - Here we are with chapter 2. Hope that you like it and if you have a minute, let me know what you think! **

**Chapter 2**

**Kissing Lily**

**8 June 1975 – Fourth year**

Lily and Remus were sitting by the lake, studying for their Arithmancy exam. Well, they were supposed to be studying. In actuality Remus was leaning back against the trunk of a tree, looking out at the Giant Squid in the lake, while Lily lay on her back next to him, sucking on a sugar quill.

Remus glanced at Lily and quickly looked away. The year had been wonderful and painful all at the same time. He and Lily were closer friends than ever after their argument at the beginning of the year, but that was the thing. They were just friends. Remus had been very careful to make sure to keep physical distance between them and not to touch Lily unnecessarily. He saw the confused looks she sometimes gave him when he moved away from her a bit, but she didn't say anything.

They continued to study together, Snape being with her less often. There had even been a few times when the three of them had managed to sit at the same table for almost an hour without one of them hexing the other. Thankfully, it didn't happen too much. No matter what Lily said, Remus didn't really care for the Slytherin.

"Remus," Lily said, pulling Remus from his thoughts.

"Hmm," he answered, rather relaxed in the warm sunshine.

"You should come visit me sometime this summer," she said, rolling over onto her stomach and looking up at him.

"Um, what?" he said nervously.

"It would be fun," she said. "We could go to a film and there's this great ice cream place right by my house that we could walk to. It's almost as good as Fortescue's."

"I don't know Lily," Remus said although that voice inside his head was chanting at him again to say yes. That voice was getting rather annoying.

"Oh come on, please?" she begged, sticking her lip out a little. "I get so bored in the summers, listening to Petunia prattle on about some ridiculous nonsense or other. Mary is coming to stay for a week, but that's it. My parents said we're not going on holiday this year or anything. I'll go mad."

"What about Severus?" Remus asked. In deference to Lily, he had begun to call the other boy by his first name in front of her, although Severus did not reciprocate. "I thought he lived near you?"

"Well normally he's around sometimes, but his father is a complete berk and he told Sev he has to get a job this summer like 'a real man'." Lily rolled her eyes. "Apparently fifteen is too old to hang out with your friends and do nothing." She took another lick of her quill and Remus swallowed thickly at the sight.

"What would your parents think if they knew there was a werewolf in your house?" Remus asked and Lily stopped sucking on the quill and narrowed her eyes.

"Were you planning on coming over on the full moon?" she asked.

"Well, no," Remus said carefully, well aware that he'd riled her temper.

"Then I don't understand why you would ask me such a ridiculous question," she replied.

"It is what I am," Remus continued, his indignation overtaking his common sense. Lily sat up, setting her sugar quill carefully on its wrapper and then rose to her knees, putting her face right up to Remus'.

"It is what you are for twelve hours a month," Lily hissed, only inches from his face. "It is not _who_ you are. Are we clear?" Remus stared at her, that stupid voice screaming, _Kiss her, kiss her_. He told it to shut up and then swallowed instead.

"Crystal," he replied. Lily sat back on her heels and smiled.

"Good," she replied. Then she picked up her candy and popped it back in her mouth. Remus looked at her with wide eyes. Merlin girls were scary.

In the end, Remus agreed to come for a visit, against his better judgment. But the happiness on Lily's face and her excited squeal, not to mention the kiss she bestowed on his cheek, made it all worth it. He just hoped that James and Sirius wouldn't find out.

* * *

**1 August 1975**

Remus nervously pulled at the neck of his t-shirt as he walked up the sidewalk to Lily's house. He was having second thoughts again, being here at her house where there was no one from Hogwarts to run into. Remus was afraid that he wouldn't be able to stop himself. 'Think of James,' he kept saying to himself.

He rang the bell and a few moments later the door was opened by an excited Lily. Remus' mouth dropped open when he saw her. She was wearing a tank top and the shortest shorts he'd ever seen. He supposed they weren't really that short, but since he wasn't around muggles all that much, living in the country as he did, they were awfully short to him. Her feet were bare, her toenails painted pink. He swallowed thickly as his eyes made his way up her seemingly endless legs.

"I'm so glad you came," Lily said, flinging her arms around his neck and hugging him. Remus pulled away from her as quickly as he could, although for an altogether different reason that he normally did. He should have worn jeans that weren't quite so tight, he thought. Or even better, robes. Damn muggle neighborhood anyway. But Lily's smile as she pulled back from him, made Remus smile in return. Merlin but she was beautiful.

"Come on in and meet my mum," she said happily ushering Remus into the house. The house was nice, pictures of two girls covered the walls. Lily's sister Petunia looked so unlike her it was hard to tell they were even related. "Mum, Remus is here," Lily called and a red-headed woman walked out of the kitchen, wiping her hands on a towel. She looked similar to Lily except that her eyes were blue instead of green.

"Remus, it's so nice to meet you," Mrs. Evans said, extending her hand.

"You as well, ma'am," Remus replied, shaking her hand and nodding to her.

"So polite," Mrs. Evans said, giving Lily a wink. Lily rolled her eyes. "Are you hungry? I've just pulled some biscuits from the oven."

"Chocolate chip," Lily said, gleam in her eye. She knew Remus could never pass up chocolate.

"That sounds very nice, thank you," Remus said. Lily giggled as she led him into the kitchen.

"You don't have to be so formal Remus," she whispered, tickling his ear with her breath. Remus colored a bit.

"Now Lily, stop teasing your friend," her mother admonished gently, pulling glasses from the cupboard. She filled three with lemonade and sat down at the table with the two teens. "So Remus, tell me about your parents."

"Mu-um," Lily complained.

"What?" her mother asked.

"Don't give him the third degree," Lily said shaking her head and taking a biscuit from the plate.

"I'm not giving him the third degree," Mrs. Evans protested. "I'm just trying to get to know him better."

"It's all right Lily, I don't mind," Remus said with a smile. The three chatted for a bit until Petunia stormed into the kitchen.

"Mother, you've got to do something about," she trailed off as she caught sight of Remus. "Who are you?" she demanded.

"Petunia!" her mother scolded. "That's no way to speak to your sister's guest." Lily stuck her tongue out at her sister when her mother wasn't looking.

"I'm Remus Lupin," Remus said standing and holding a hand out to Petunia. "I go to school with Lily." Petunia looked down at his hand and sniffed disdainfully.

"Oh, you're one of _those_," Petunia said with disgust.

"Petunia Louise Evans, you will apologize this instant," Mrs. Evans said sharply. Petunia glared at her mother and Remus was startled to see that Lily was near tears.

"Excuse me Mr. Lupin," Petunia finally said. "I apologize." With that she swept from the room. Remus turned to Lily whose shoulders were now shaking and she swiped a hand across her face. Before he could do anything Mrs. Evans had crossed the kitchen and gathered her daughter into her arms.

"Why is she so hateful?" Lily whispered. "We used to be friends."

"I'm sorry sweetheart," her mother replied. "It's these new friends she's made. They're not very nice or tolerant of anyone different from themselves. I'll talk to her." Lily sniffed as Remus shifted uncomfortably from foot to foot.

"I apologize for my daughter, Remus," Mrs. Evans said. "I had no idea she would be so rude."

"It's all right," Remus replied. Mrs. Evans sighed and let go of her youngest child.

"Now the two of you sit down and finish your lemonade," she said. Lily and Remus did as they were told and silence fell across the kitchen.

"Sorry," Lily finally said.

"You don't have anything to be sorry for," Remus replied.

"We were having such a nice time and then Petunia had to go and ruin it," Lily said.

"Well we can still have fun, can't we?" Remus asked. "I thought you said something about a film." Lily smiled and soon her sister was forgotten as the two of them made plans for the rest of their day.

* * *

They walked down the sidewalk, eating ice cream cones and heading back towards Lily's house. Remus had enjoyed the cinema. His mother had taken him a few times, but his life was far more wizard than muggle. And Lily was right, the ice cream was excellent. She smiled at him as they walked and slipped her free hand into his. He forced himself not to freeze and continued to walk at the same pace. So she was holding his hand, so what? It didn't mean anything. But when she moved closer to him and her arm began to rub against his, he changed his mind.

Damn, how was he going to get out of this without hurting her feelings? Although a big part of him didn't really _want_ to get out of it. She led him into a play park and they sat down on a bench, Lily still clasping his hand. And Remus realized that he wanted to slip an arm around her shoulders and pull her closer to him. And so, he ignored the giant picture of James in his mind and did just that. Lily smiled up at him and laid her head on his shoulder. And Remus bent his head down, so it was resting on hers. They sat that way for quite some time until Remus saw that the sun was beginning to sink in the sky.

"We should go," he finally said. "I'm supposed to be back before dark."

"All right," she said with a sigh. They stood and Lily took his hand again and they walked the rest of the way to her house. They stopped and sat on the front steps.

"I had a really good time today," Lily said and Remus smiled at her.

"Me too," he said. "I'm glad you convinced me to visit." She looked at him, her shoulder brushing against his and leaned forward ever so slightly.

"Remus," she whispered.

"Hm?" he said, his face lowering towards hers.

"Are you going to kiss me now?" she asked.

"Yes," he said.

"Finally," she replied just as his lips touched hers. Jolts of electricity coursed through his body and he actually groaned. His hands came up to cup her face and he pulled her closer to him as her arms wound round his neck. He devoured her lips for what felt like hours. When he finally pulled away from her as his lungs began to scream for oxygen, they were both panting. Lily's hands were on his shoulders, his forehead leaned against hers, his hands still framing her face.

"Wow," she managed. He grunted in response, not actually capable of speech at the moment. "Remus," she said as his nose began to trace her jaw, his hand slipping down to her neck.

"Yes," he said. Lily sucked in a breath as he pressed a kiss to her neck.

"It's almost dark," she squeaked. Remus sat up and forced himself to let go of her.

"Right," he said, still trying to get his breathing back to normal. Not to mention the tightness of his jeans. "Right." He finally stood and offered her his hand, pulling her up. She was on the step above him, so they were the same height for the moment.

"Good night," she said and quickly kissed his lips, then turned and ran into the house.

"Good night," he whispered as he stood alone on the front walk. "I love you."

* * *

**1 September 1975 – Fifth Year**

Remus entered King's Cross with trepidation. He hadn't seen or spoken to Lily since the day he had spent at her house. She'd sent him a few owls, but he hadn't responded and the last one he'd received over a week ago, she had been angry and hurt and confused. And it was his fault.

He had gone home and ridden the high of being with Lily for almost two days. He had a constant grin on his face and his father had finally asked him what was wrong with him. His mother had just smiled and told his father to leave him alone. She'd winked at Remus then and hugged him. 'Lily is a very lucky girl,' she'd said. Personally, Remus thought he was the lucky one.

Then he'd gotten an owl from Sirius, asking when he was going to Diagon Alley to get his supplies for school. He wanted Remus to meet him and James and Peter so they could all shop together. As soon as Remus read the letter he felt guilty. James would be crushed. And then he would be angry. He would never forgive Remus and Sirius would take James' side. Peter probably would too, simply because he had always idolized James. Remus would be an outcast in his own dorm. He would lose his friends, his friends that had accepted him for what he was and always been there for him. James or Sirius always came to the hospital wing to help him back to the dorm after the moon; James hovered over him almost like a mother for the next day or two, making sure he was all right. And Sirius would crack jokes and try and make Remus forget about whatever injuries he'd incurred that month. He'd never in a million years expected to have friends like them when he'd started Hogwarts.

But, sweet Merlin, Lily. Remus didn't know if he could stay away from her after that kiss. He'd wanted to kiss her forever and probably would have if Lily hadn't finally stopped him. Her skin was so soft and her lips were the sweetest thing he'd ever tasted. She smelled like raspberries and honeysuckle and parchment. It wasn't just the physical attraction either, although Remus did think that Lily was the most beautiful girl he'd ever seen. But she was also smart and talented, kind and generous. She was his best friend, everything he'd ever wanted in a girl before he even knew that he wanted it. She was perfect.

It wasn't fair, he brooded. He never thought he'd find a girl that would not only accept his lycanthropy, but like him as more than a friend. And now that he had, she belonged to someone else. No, that was stupid, she didn't belong to James. She didn't even _like_ James, how James expected to convince her to go out with him was beyond Remus. And why should Remus give up his own happiness just because he and James happened to like the same girl? It wasn't Remus' fault that Lily preferred him over James.

He sighed heavily. What was he going to do? How could he even meet his friends and act like nothing had happened? He felt completely different than he had the day before he'd gone to Lily's. He wasn't sure how to explain it exactly, but he did. Surely everyone else would notice it too.

In the end, he had written back to Sirius and agreed to meet them. When Lily's letter had arrived the next day, he had read it sadly, but not replied, not really knowing what to say. He felt torn in two, one part of him not wanting to upset his friends and the other not wanted to upset Lily. No matter what he did, he would hurt someone he loved and he had no idea what to do.

Lily had sent him another letter three days later, thinking that maybe he hadn't gotten the first, and again he ignored it. He became more and more withdrawn and quiet, barely eating anything, staying in his room for hours at a time. His mother began looking at him with concern until she finally cornered him one evening.

"Remus, is something the matter?" she asked.

"No Mum," he replied.

"Do not lie to me young man," she said. "You were so happy the couple of days after you visited Lily and now you've been brooding like you lost your best friend." She paused and looked at him. "Have you lost your best friend?"

"No," Remus said with a sigh. 'Not yet anyway,' he thought to himself.

"Did you and Lily have a fight?" she asked.

"No," Remus repeated and again thought, 'not yet anyway.'

"Is it the boys then?" his mother persisted. She always called James, Sirius and Peter, 'the boys'.

"No, Mum, it's just, nothing," he said, shaking his head. He wasn't sure he could explain it to his mother even if he wanted to. "It's probably just the moon in a couple days." His mother looked at him skeptically for a moment longer, then hugged him.

"You know you can always talk to me if you need anything," she said.

"I know Mum," Remus replied, his voice suspiciously shaky. She patted his cheek and then went to make dinner.

When he'd met with his friends, they had remarked on his quietness, but Remus had played it off as still being tired from the moon a few days before. Truth be told, he hadn't been sleeping much at all, dreams of Lily plaguing him nearly every night. In some she was so angry, she screamed at him in front of everyone in the Great Hall. In others she just took one look at him and burst into tears. And still others, she ran from him right into James' arms and he lost not only her, but the rest of his friends for hurting her.

And just when he'd decided to hell with what James wanted and sat down to write Lily a letter to apologize, his father had thrown down the Prophet in disgust at breakfast one morning. Remus looked up from his parchment.

"What's the matter Dad?" he asked.

"Nothing," his father said, trying to grab the paper he had just thrown down. Remus was quicker and pulled it towards him.

_**Ministry Considers New Werewolf Legislation**_ the head line read. Remus' brow furrowed and he began to read the article. When he finished, he let out a breath and sat back in his chair. If this passed, it would be disaster for him. It was already hard enough for a werewolf to get a job in the wizarding world, but this would make it illegal for anyone to hire him. He looked down at the parchment where he had begun to write his letter to Lily and crumpled it in his hand. Lily would be better off with someone who could actually offer her a future.

Remus shook himself from his thoughts as he finally reached the barrier at the station and thought again that maybe homeschooling wasn't such a bad idea. He took a deep breath and walked through.

"Moony!" Sirius called, waving at his friend as Remus pushed his trolley towards the train.

"Hey Sirius," Remus said picking up his trunk.

"Pete's already got a compartment for us," Sirius said, taking the other end of Remus' trunk. "I'm just waiting for James."

"I thought you were at his house," Remus said in confusion. Sirius had spent almost the entire summer at James'.

"I had to go home for a couple days," Sirius said, rolling his eyes. Remus just nodded understanding that Sirius had been summoned by his father.

"Well, I'll join you later, I have to go to the Prefect's carriage first," Remus said and Sirius grinned, clapping his friend on the back.

"Ah yes, our resident man-in-charge," Sirius said. "All the better for pranking, eh?" Remus just shook his head and pulled his trunk on the train. "I'll take it to the compartment," Sirius said. "We're just in the next car. See you later." Remus waved and pulled his prefect badge out of his pocket.

He wondered who the female prefect from Gryffindor was, although he didn't know why he wondered. Of course it would be Lily. Still, Remus thought, maybe it would be Mary. She would still be angry with him, as Lily's friend, he was sure, but it would be better than having to deal with an angry, or worse, sad Lily.

When he walked into the compartment, his eyes scanned the benches and sure enough, a shock of long red hair caught his eye. He swore under his breath and went to stand in the corner, as far away from her as he could get. If she knew he was there, she didn't look up, just continued to stare at her hands in her lap.

"Hey Lily," he heard someone say and glanced over to see the Corner bloke from Arithmancy sit down next to her. The wolf growled.

"Hi David," she said quietly, sounding completely unlike herself. Remus looked at the floor. His fault.

The Head Boy and Girl came in and started the meeting. Remus barely heard a thing they said. He kept his eyes on the floor, looking up at Lily from under his fringe. She continued to look at her lap, only glancing up when the Head Girl asked her a question. Remus quickly looked away, not wanting her to know he had been staring.

"Everyone will have to take a turn patrolling the train," the Head Boy was saying. "To make things easier, I've partnered you with your housemate from your year." Remus' stomach flipped knowing he'd be paired with Lily. "We'll set up schedules for patrols at school and get them to you tomorrow with your timetables," the Head Boy continued. "Fifth years, make sure you don't forget about taking the first years to the dorms after the feast. We'll also pair you up with an older prefect for the first few patrols just so you know what to do. I think that's it. Stick around if you have any questions."

The students all rose and headed towards the door, the head girl handing out the patrol schedule for the train. Remus glanced at his and saw he and Lily had the third patrol in a little over an hour. They were supposed to meet at the engine and work their way back. Remus sighed and walked back to the compartment he was sharing with his friends.

* * *

An hour later, Remus was walking towards the front of the train to begin his patrol. He had spent the time thinking about what he was going to say to Lily when he saw her. So far, he hadn't really come up with anything. When he reached the engine he looked up and saw Lily standing there waiting for him. Remus' heart caught as he looked at her. All he wanted to do was kiss her again. Instead, he looked at his feet.

"Lily," he said quietly in greeting.

"Remus," Lily said coldly. Remus' heart clenched. They began to walk down the corridor of the train, looking into compartments as they went. This early into the ride, there really wasn't much going on, although they did have to reverse a charm a second-year put on another, giving bunny ears to his friend. They had almost reached the end of the train and Remus realized he might not get another chance to talk to her.

"Lily, I just wanted to say I'm sorry," Remus began, but Lily turned to him, fire in her eyes and he broke off.

"You're sorry?" she hissed. "You came to my house and you kissed me like you did and then you completely ignore me for a month? And all you can say is you're sorry?" She had been getting louder as she spoke and Remus saw a head poke out of a compartment and stare at them. Remus looked around and saw a door to what he assumed was the luggage compartment. He opened it and pulled Lily inside, closing the door and then standing in front of it to block it.

Instead of luggage, there were boxes and containers of every size inside and Remus wondered what it was all for. Shaking his head when he realized it really didn't matter, he turned back to Lily. She was fuming.

"Let me out of here right now," she demanded.

"No, not until you let me talk to you," Remus replied.

"And just why in Merlin's name should I listen to _anything_ that you have to say?" she spat.

"Because we're friends," he said simply.

"Are we really?" she asked. "If this is how you treat your friends Remus Lupin, I'd hate to be your enemy."

"Please Lily," he begged.

"Fine," she said resignedly.

"I am sorry," Remus said again. "I didn't mean to act this way, but some things happened and I," he broke off lamely, his hand once again straying to the back of his neck.

"What things?" Lily demanded, folding her arms tightly across her chest. Remus sighed.

"James fancies you," he said.

"Yes, so?" Lily replied.

"You know?" Remus asked. She rolled her eyes.

"Of course I know Remus," she huffed. "It's not like he hasn't been obvious about it."

"Well, the thing is," Remus paused and cleared his throat. No matter how he said this next bit, Lily would be angry. "The thing is James liked you first."

"What do you mean liked me first?" she asked in confusion. "You and I have been friends since first year."

"I mean he told the rest of us that he fancied you first," Remus said. Lily was silent for a moment, her brow furrowed and then she finally realized what Remus meant.

"You mean he called some kind of dibs on me?" she demanded.

"I'm not sure what 'dibs' is," Remus said. "But, he really likes you Lily."

"But _I_ don't like _him_," she said vehemently. "Not like that. Doesn't that count for anything?"

"Of course," Remus said, getting a bit frustrated. "No one is going to force you into a marriage contract with him. But don't you understand? He's one of my best mates and I know that he likes you."

"And don't you think that if I don't show any interest in him, that he'd want me to be happy with someone else?" she persisted.

"Sure, if that someone else was anyone other than me," Remus said, sinking down on top of a box, his head in his hands. "It would be like a betrayal to him if you and I were together."

"Remus, this is ridiculous," Lily said. "Potter doesn't have any kind of ownership over me. I can date anyone that I want. It's none of his business. And if he can't be happy for us, then he's not your friend." Remus said nothing, just sat looking at the floor.

"There's more," he finally said, not looking up.

"What else could there possibly be?" Lily asked in exasperation sitting down on a carton across from him.

"You've obviously not seen the Prophet this summer," Remus said and Lily shook her head. Remus proceeded to explain the proposed legislation that was being drafted. When he finished, he did not get the response he was expecting.

"So," Lily said.

"So?" Remus repeated. "So, if this passes I won't be able to get a job anywhere in the wizarding world. I couldn't provide for myself or anyone else. I'd be an outcast. It's bad enough I already have to register so they always know where I am and that most people won't hire a werewolf anyway. But this would take away any chance I'd have." Lily drew in a deep breath and let it out as if she were trying to stay calm.

"Okay, first, this is _proposed_ legislation, it hasn't actually passed," Lily began. She paused and looked at Remus. "And second, I don't want you to take this the wrong way, but Remus, we're not even dating and you're acting like you've asked me to marry you or something." Remus looked at the floor again. "But for the sake of argument, let's say that we were going to get married. There are two of us and if you can't work that doesn't mean I can't."

"Do you really think that if they are going to ban anyone hiring werewolves that they'll let them get married?" Remus asked her incredulously. "You have no future with me Lily, if this passes."

"You know, for a half-blood with a muggle-born mother, you sure do forget that there's a whole other world out there outside the wizarding one," Lily said dryly. She began to tick off points on her fingers. "You can get married in the muggle world, get a job there, live there, Remus there are solutions. But as I said, I think you're getting far ahead of yourself right now." Remus looked up at her.

"Remus, I," she stopped and bit her lip. "We've been friends for a long time, but for nearly a year I've felt something more than friendship for you. And when you kissed me," she stopped and sucked in a breath. "That was, well, I can't even describe what that was." He chuckled. She smiled and leaned forward, taking his hand. "Please Remus, I know you're worried and maybe even a little scared, but don't give up on this before we've even gotten a chance to figure out what _this_ is." She leaned towards him and he moved forward without realizing it. She licked her lips and he nearly moaned out loud. Just before he reached her mouth, he stopped.

"But James," he began to protest.

"I really don't want to talk about Potter right now," Lily said and closed the remaining distance between them, pressing her lips to his.

It was just like it had been the first time. Shocks went through Remus' body and he put one hand behind Lily's neck, the other at her waist. They were still sitting on the cartons across from each other but after a few seconds that wasn't close enough for Remus. He pulled Lily across the small space and onto his lap as he deepened the kiss. She whimpered against his lips and he started to pull away thinking he'd frightened her, but she gripped his neck and pulled him back. He pulled her tighter against him and it still wasn't close enough. When his hands began to wander, Lily pulled away abruptly and stood up.

"Sweet Merlin, what are you doing to me?" she panted out and Remus couldn't even reply. He was busy reciting potions ingredients in his head and being very thankful for the robes he was wearing.

"I'm sorry," he finally managed. "I don't know what got into me, I," he trailed off shaking his head. He couldn't look at her because if he did, he'd grab her and throw her up against the wall of the car they were in and devour every inch of her. He groaned at the image and went back to the potions ingredients.

"Remus," she said and he took a deep breath before he looked up at her. Her lips were swollen and red from his kisses and her hair was disheveled. The wolf growled in satisfaction that he'd marked her as his own and Remus shook his head to get rid of _that_ image. She was still breathing somewhat heavily and before he could stop himself, Remus jumped up and did indeed push her back against the wall and begin kissing her again. His body was pressed tightly against hers, her hands on his hips, as he left her lips and moved to her neck. She gasped as he lightly nipped the juncture of her shoulder and neck and then moved her hands and pushed against his chest. As much as he didn't want to, he took a few steps back. Lily continued to push him until he was leaning against the opposite wall of the car.

"Stay," she said, pointing a finger at him. Then she walked backwards to the other wall and stood there staring at him. "Why is it like this?" she asked.

"Like what?" he said hoarsely.

"Like I can't get close enough to you. Like I want to kiss you forever. Like I want to do…other things that I know I'm not ready for," she said, biting her bottom lip, her cheeks reddening. "Like I forget about any resolve I have as soon as your lips touch mine." He took a step forward, but she pointed at him again. "I said stay."

"Sorry," he replied, holding his hands up in surrender. "I don't know why it's like this, but I feel all the same things." They continued to stare at each other for a few minutes.

"Then how can you give this up?" she asked.

"I can't," he admitted. "But James."

"Is a big boy," Lily said firmly. Remus finally nodded.

"Can we just wait a bit to tell him?" Remus requested. "Just until I figure out what to say."

"All right," Lily agreed.

"If I promise not to get carried away, can I kiss you again?" Remus asked with a grin.

"You'd better," she replied and he stalked across the room towards her.

* * *

**29 September 1975**

Four weeks. It had been four glorious weeks with Lily. It wasn't that they'd had a lot of time together, but just knowing that she was his made Remus feel like he could do anything. He was so happy, his friends began to wonder if someone had put a permanent cheering charm on him. Then there were the glances and looks between the two of them during meals or classes or when they passed each other in the corridors. One day in Arithmancy, she even took his hand under their desk. Remus could tell that Mary was suspicious and he thought Sirius might be too. James, on the other hand seemed not to notice and Peter was completely clueless as usual.

And that night was the first patrol that Remus and Lily would have together. It wasn't supposed to happen until the following week, but Remus had had to switch with someone else due to the full moon coming up. Professor Dumbledore had made sure to change all the upcoming months' schedules so that it wouldn't become suspicious for Remus to continue to have to switch patrol times.

Remus was to meet Lily in the common room just before curfew. The first patrol was always the busiest as students hurried to make it back to their dorms. Remus didn't like taking points, especially if it was only a few minutes after curfew, although the7th year Ravenclaw he'd patrolled with the week before seemed not to understand Remus' reluctance.

"It's only five minutes," Remus had said. "Maybe they were trying to finish an assignment in the library or something."

"Then they should have planned ahead," the Ravenclaw had said. Remus shook his head. Ravenclaw's were quite fond of the rules.

"Ready?" he heard behind him and turned to see Lily approaching from the dorm stairs, smile on her face.

"Yes," Remus replied, returning her smile.

"Later Moony," James called from the couch by the fireplace. "Hey Evans, if you found me out after curfew, would you _punish_ me?" He waggled his eyebrows suggestively and Remus held back a growl by the slimmest of margins.

"It would be double points for you Potter and I'd recommend McGonagall give you detention," Lily retorted. Prefects were not allowed to give detention, but they could talk to a professor about giving one if they felt one was warranted.

"I'd take detention every night if it was with you," James said, still with the suggestive leer and Remus' hands clenched into fists at his sides. Lily's hand brushed his arm as she turned back towards James and Remus felt himself relax slightly.

"Potter, it's no wonder you can't get a girl to go out with you," she said, shaking her head. "You are a disgusting pig."

"You love me Evans, I know you do," James continued arrogantly. "One day you'll admit it."

"Sod off Potter," she said and spun around heading for the portrait hole. Remus glared at James for a second before following. When he reached the corridor outside, he was seething.

"Stupid, arrogant wanker," Remus hissed through gritted teeth. Lily grabbed his arm and towed him to a small alcove around the corner from their common room.

"Remus," she said quietly, but Remus continued to mutter under his breath, his face red with anger. Lily said something else, but Remus wasn't really paying attention. He was busy dismembering James in his mind. Suddenly, soft lips were on his and Remus' eyes widened before sinking into the kiss. He sighed and tangled his hands into Lily's hair, kissing her for all he was worth. After a few minutes she pulled away, breathless once again.

"As much as I'd like to stand here and snog you all night, we do have a patrol to do," she said. He groaned and lowered his forehead to hers, pulling in a deep breath. Then he kissed her quickly on the lips.

"You're right," he replied. "Let's go."

They walked in silence for a bit, coming upon a few students still out and rushing back to their dorms. Lily didn't like to take points either, so the students they did encounter were given warnings with promises of lost points if it happened again. When things had finally quieted down and it seemed as if everyone was in their common rooms for the night, Lily turned to Remus.

"You need to tell him Remus," she said and Remus sighed.

"I know," he said. "I don't want him talking to you like that anymore either."

"That's not what I'm worried about," Lily replied. "It doesn't bother me, but I know it bothers you and I don't want you to start pounding one of your best friends in the middle of the common room because you're trying to defend my honor."

"How can it not bother you?" Remus demanded. "The things he says, the things he suggests." He shook his head in disgust. He loved James, he really did, but he was a complete prat sometimes.

"It doesn't bother me because I know that's just his way of trying to get my attention," she said. "If he really wanted me to like him, he'd be much more subtle about it." She shook her head. "But that's neither here nor there. I'm thinking about you." She took his hand and gave it a squeeze. "Besides, I'm sick of hiding the fact that we're together. Mary is getting ridiculously suspicious."

"You can tell her you know," Remus said. "It's not like she's friends with my friends or anything." Lily glanced at him out of the corner of her eye. "What?"

"Well, she's sort of been spending a little time with Black," Lily explained.

"What do you mean 'spending a little time'?" Remus asked, his eyes narrowing.

"Spending some time in a broom closet with him, actually," Lily said dryly.

"Ah," Remus said. He knew Sirius had a new conquest, he just wasn't sure who it was and Sirius, surprisingly, hadn't been very forthcoming about it.

"How did you not know?" she asked in confusion. "I thought Black bragged about all the women he beds." Remus looked at her in surprise.

"They've?" he trailed off. "Already?"

"No, no they haven't," Lily said. "It was just a figure of speech."

"Oh, well, normally, yes, he tells us all about it," Remus said. "Most times with far too many details, if you know what I mean. But he hasn't said a word about Mary."

"I wonder why that is?" Lily mused.

"Maybe he really likes her?" Remus suggested. The two of them looked at each other for a moment and then burst out laughing.

"Doubtful," Lily said. "Maybe Mary just doesn't want anyone to know. He does have a reputation and all. Anyway, enough about that. You do need to tell Potter."

"I know," Remus said. "And you do realize I have been calling Snape, Severus in front of you. Don't you think that you can return the favor? I mean you never call Peter, Pettigrew."

"That's because Peter isn't an arrogant toe rag like Potter and Black," she returned. "Sorry, James and Sirius," she amended at Remus' look.

"Thank you," he said, then leaned over and kissed the tip of her nose.

"So you'll tell them?" she asked.

"Yes," Remus promised. "Tomorrow." Lily smiled and took his arm and they finished the rest of their patrol.

* * *

**30 September 1975**

Remus put another forkful of cottage pie into his mouth and glanced at James out of the corner of his eye again. He wanted to ask his friends to meet him in their dorm room after dinner so he could tell them about Lily, but he still hadn't plucked up the courage to do so. James and Sirius had finished their dinner and moved on to pudding, so he knew he needed to talk to them soon. He finally opened his mouth to speak, when James turned to him instead.

"Moony, come up to the dorm with us after dinner," he said, indicating Sirius and Peter, as well as himself. "We need to show you something."

"Oh, er, all right," Remus replied. "There's actually something I wanted to talk to you about too."

"Great," James said with a grin that Remus really couldn't read. James went back to his cake and exchanged glances with Sirius and Peter. Remus started to worry. What if they already knew? Maybe Mary and Sirius had been talking about their suspicions and had figured it out. Maybe what James wanted to show Remus was the business end of his fist. Remus swallowed thickly and realized that he was finished with his dinner.

"Uh, I'll just meet you guys up there," he said, then quickly got up from the table and hurried from the hall. He nearly ran through the corridors to Gryffindor Tower, giving the password to the Fat Lady and rushing through the common room. Once in his dorm, he began to pace, running a hand nervously through his hair. Merlin, what was he going to do?

James, Sirius and Peter entered about ten minutes later, looking at a very disheveled Remus who was now lying across his bed, his face buried in his pillow. James locked and sealed the door.

"Moony, you all right?" Sirius asked. Remus groaned.

"Are you sick?" asked Peter and Remus finally turned his head to look at his friends. They didn't look angry, only concerned. Perhaps they weren't here to thump him then.

"I'm not sure," Remus replied cautiously. "Might have been something I ate."

"Well the surprise we've got for you will help you forget all about that," James said, his eyes gleeful.

"Okay," Remus said warily. When James looked like that it usually meant they were about to do something that might get them into loads of trouble. The three boys looked at each other and nodded, then spread out a bit on the far side of the room near the window.

"Pete, you better sit on the bed," Sirius warned. "Don't want you to get trampled."

"Oh, right," Peter said and went and sat on Sirius' bed which was across from Remus'. Remus looked at all of them, thoroughly confused.

"Trampled?" he said. "Sirius, what?" But Sirius interrupted him.

"Just watch Moony," Sirius said. He glanced at James and James nodded, then a look of pure concentration came over his face. As Remus watched, Sirius and James began to waver for a moment or two and then were replaced by a huge black dog and an enormous stag. Remus' eyes widened to the size of saucers before he glanced at Peter. Only Peter wasn't there anymore. Instead there was a fat, brown rat sitting in the middle of Sirius' bed.

"What the bloody hell?" Remus whispered. The dog, who was Sirius, stepped forward and nudged Remus' hand with his head. Remus unconsciously began to pet the dog's head. He glanced at the stag, James, who shook his head and antlers, then pawed the floor and bowed his head a bit. Remus bowed his in return. Another glance at Peter, who had run to the edge of Sirius' bed, his whiskers shivering and shifting. Remus moved to the end of his bed and leaned forward, reaching out a hand to pick up the rat. Peter ran up his arm and sat on his shoulder, tickling Remus' cheek with his whiskers. The dog let out a happy bark, then licked Remus' hand.

"What did you three do?" Remus asked. The rat ran back down his arm and Remus placed him gently on his bed, then stood. The dog ran back to the spot he had started in and seconds later, his friends were back to themselves.

"Moony, meet, Prongs, Wormtail and Padfoot," Sirius said proudly, pointing to each of them as he gave their new nicknames.

"What did you do?" Remus asked again.

"We got the idea in second year, right after we'd worked out your furry little problem," James explained. "So we've been studying and working at it and Sirius and I finally got it over the summer. Pete was practicing too and once we got back here, we just waited until he could do it."

"But why exactly?" Remus asked. He suspected the reason his friends had done it, but he hoped he was wrong.

"So we can spend full moon nights with you, of course," Sirius said, as if that should be obvious.

"No," Remus said, shaking his head. "Absolutely not."

"Why not?" Sirius pouted. "It would be fun."

"This isn't a game Sirius!" Remus shouted. "I will not have the three of you there where I could injure or worse, kill you. I'm a raving monster, don't you understand!?"

"Remus, calm down," James said, trying to placate his friend.

"No I will not calm down!" Remus bellowed. "I don't keep my head. I wouldn't know it was you! Don't you get it?"

"Moony look," Sirius said. "We've done all kind of research." Remus snorted. "We have!" Sirius protested. "Werewolves don't care much about animals. It's human blood they want. You won't attack us, I know you won't."

"You can't know that for sure," Remus replied tiredly. "Besides how exactly do you expect to keep this a secret?" Sirius rolled his eyes.

"We've got the cloak," Sirius said. "We'll wait for Madame Pomfrey to come back and then we go out onto the grounds under the cloak. Pete transforms, stops the tree, we crawl into the tunnel, Pete starts the tree back up and follows us. James and I transform in the tunnel and then we join you in the shack."

"No, you can't still be human once you get into the tunnel," Remus insisted.

"Remus, James wouldn't fit through with those antlers. We've got to wait until we're inside. You're locked up in the shack, the tunnel is huge, even if you did get out James would be a stag long before you could get to us," Sirius assured him. Remus sighed. They weren't going to let it go, he knew this. Damn, but this was the stupidest idea they'd had yet.

He looked up at his friends and saw the hopeful expressions they were wearing. They'd done this for him. Remus. A werewolf. It had taken them nearly three years, but they hadn't given up or decided it was too hard. They'd kept working at it until they got it. For him. Even Peter, who wasn't the most talented wizard around, had managed it. For him. Remus couldn't help it, his eyes got watery when he thought about how much they cared about him.

"You're all illegal," he said, giving his last half-hearted protest. Sirius began to laugh, loud and bark-like. Remus grinned at how much Sirius' personality fit his animagus form.

"Since when does that ever stop us doing anything, Moony?" Sirius demanded with a grin. Remus shook his head.

"The three of you are mental, you know that?" Remus said quietly. But all the while his heart was pounding out a beat of love and pride that his friends would go to these lengths to help him.

"You're our best mate, Moony," James said, putting a hand on his shoulder. "And mates stick together." Remus swallowed thickly.

"Thanks," Remus replied, his voice shaky. He stood then and looked at James who grinned and hugged him, clapping him hard on the back. Sirius did the same and Peter simply smiled widely and patted Remus' arm. Then the four of them laughed in the self-conscious way that teenage boys do when there has been too much honest emotion in the room.

"So didn't you say that you had something you wanted to talk to us about?" James asked and Remus' heart sunk. Dear Merlin, how could he tell James now? He looked up at the expectant eyes of his friend and imagined what would happen when Remus told him that he was dating the girl James had fancied for over two years now.

"Oh, yeah," Remus said. "Um, it's not important really. We can talk about it some other time."

"Are you sure?" James asked and Remus nodded, not trusting himself to speak. "Okay then."

"Show me again?" Remus asked and his three friends nodded, changing back. Remus wore a grin the rest of the evening and the stag and dog play fought each other and the rat rode the dog's back, forgetting all about meeting Lily in the common room after curfew to tell her how the talk with James had gone.

* * *

**1 October 1975**

Remus made his way down the stairs to the common room. It was very early, the sun wasn't even completely up yet, but he had been unable to sleep any longer. His mind was awhirl with his friends' new found talent and he was still having a hard time believing that they'd done all of this for him. So many things could have gone wrong. He shuddered thinking of the pictures in the book James had showed him last night – wizards and witches half transformed, their limbs in the wrong places, feathers on their faces.

When he stepped off the last stair, he was surprised to see that he wasn't alone. A lone figure lay on one of the couches in front of the fire. With a start, Remus realized it was Lily and he cursed remembering the meeting he'd forgotten.

"Lily," he said, gently shaking her shoulder. "Lily, wake up." Her eyes fluttered and she looked up at him in confusion.

"Remus," she said sleepily. "What are you doing here?" Before he could respond, she sat bolt upright on the couch. "Are you all right?" she demanded. "Are you hurt?" Her hands moved quickly over him, looking for some kind of injury.

"I'm fine," he said confused, but she didn't seem to hear him. Finally, he grabbed her hands and held them to his chest. "I'm fine," he repeated. She looked at him for a few seconds and then her expression turned murderous. Remus kept hold of her hands, quite sure she might hit him if he didn't.

"Where _were_ you?" she demanded. "I waited here for hours and you never came. I thought that James and Sirius had killed you."

"I'm sorry, something happened and I forgot all about it," he said quietly. Her expression grew more deadly if that were possible.

"That something had better be that you were unconscious or petrified," she said through gritted teeth.

"I didn't tell them," he admitted and Lily leapt up from the couch, staring down at him.

"What?" she exclaimed. Remus stood and tried to take her hand, but she yanked her arm away from him.

"Just listen, please," Remus begged. "I can explain." He could tell Lily was winding up for an all-out blow-up and he certainly didn't want her to have it in the middle of the Gryffindor common room. Especially since he was beginning to hear movement in the dorms above.

"This is something I need to tell you in private," Remus continued. "Will you come with me? Please?" He tried to put his most contrite expression on his face. Lily just glared at him and nodded once. He led her from the common room, down the hall to an unused classroom. Once inside, he locked and sealed the door.

"I had every intention of telling them last night," Remus began while Lily fumed a few desks away from him. "I even told them I wanted to talk to them about something after dinner. But they had something they needed to show me too."

"So you were too busy planning your next prank to remember to tell them about us," she spat.

"No, it's nothing like that, I swear!" Remus insisted. He took a step towards Lily but she backed away. Remus sighed. "After they found out about my lycanthropy, the three of them started discussing ways they could help me with it. And they finally worked it out and showed me last night."

"Worked what out?" Lily demanded. Remus took a deep breath and looked her in the eye.

"They became animagi," he said. Lily stared at him, her mouth hanging open.

"Th-they what?" she stuttered out. "A-all of them?" Remus nodded. Lily sunk down into the chair behind her. "I can't believe it," she whispered.

"Neither could I," Remus admitted. "If I hadn't seen it with my own eyes, I probably wouldn't have."

"But, why?" Lily asked. Remus rubbed the back of his neck and looked down. "Remus," Lily warned.

"They did it so they can stay with me at the full moon," he finally said. Lily gasped. "I told them they were mad, that it wasn't safe, but they've done research." Lily looked at him skeptically. "I know, I thought the same thing, but Sirius insists that they have. And really, I think he's right. Animals don't really interest me. There are plenty of rats in the shack and there were always mice in the cellar where I transformed when I was growing up. I didn't even pay any attention to them."

"But still," Lily said. "A dog and a stag are a lot bigger than a rat or a mouse."

"I know," Remus replied, the thought having crossed his mind as well. "But I honestly think it will be all right. I can't explain it, it's just a feeling I have I guess."

"So I understand why you didn't tell them last night," Lily said. "But you are going to tell them now right?" Remus looked away. "Right?" she prodded. He finally looked back up at her, guilt all over his face.

"You're not going to tell them," Lily said and it wasn't a question.

"I will, it's just," Remus trailed off.

"It's just what, Remus?" Lily asked, her tone clipped.

"How can I do this to James after what he's done for me?" he questioned. "He could have permanently damaged himself if something had gone wrong. It took them three years Lily, three! They never gave up, they just kept trying. And all three of them are breaking the law because of me. How can I tell him?"

"So James' feelings are more important than yours? Than mine?" she demanded. "Is that what you're telling me?"

"No! That's not what I meant," Remus exclaimed. "How can I hurt him Lily?" He looked up at her, eyes full of anguish and he saw her expression soften. She moved toward him and wrapped her arms around him, his automatically encircling her waist.

"I just need more time," Remus said after a few minutes. Lily nodded into his chest.

"Remus are you sure you want to do this?" she asked looking up at him, worrying her bottom lip between her teeth. "Us, I mean?"

"How can you ask me that?" he said incredulously.

"Because I know how important your friends are to you and I know how guilty you feel going behind James' back and how worried you are about his reaction when he finds out," Lily said. "Maybe I'm not worth all this." Remus brought his hands to her cheeks, staring into her eyes.

"Don't ever say that, don't ever even think it," he insisted. "You are worth all of this and more. Don't ever forget that." And then he kissed her, a gentle, sweet kiss that quickly grew to the all-consuming passion their kisses always did. When Remus finally released her, she slumped against him, her breath coming in pants.

"I will tell him," Remus said. "I just need to figure out how." Lily nodded and he kissed the top of her head. "We should head back. Everyone else will be up soon." Lily nodded again and the two of them walked back to the common room.


	3. Loving Lily

**A/N - Here you are, chapter three! I hope that people are enjoying this and I'd love it if you let me know, even if you're not enjoying it! :) Thanks for reading! **

**Chapter 3**

**Loving Lily**

**2 December 1975 – Fifth Year**

Remus sat on his bed in the hospital wing, hurt beyond belief. He wasn't physically hurt. Well, he was and a bit more than usual too, given the events of the previous night. But that wasn't what was bothering him. He was angry, disappointed and heart-broken. Not only had Sirius betrayed his secret, he had set Remus up to do something unthinkable, something horrible, something Remus would have never forgiven himself for, accidental or not.

Had it not been for James…Remus shuddered. He didn't even want to think about that. But almost as bad and maybe even worse in some ways was that now Severus Snape knew what he was. He had to count on a slimy Slytherin keeping his secret. Professor Dumbledore had assured him that Snape had given his word he wouldn't say anything, but Remus didn't really trust him. The only think that gave him a bit of hope was that Lily did and Remus trusted _her_.

"Remus?" a soft voice said and Remus looked up to see Lily moving the screens apart. She knew already, he could tell, Peter had probably told her. How could she want to be near him when he'd almost murdered her friend?

"How are you feeling?" she asked. He shrugged and then felt a small, cool hand running through his hair. He drew in a breath, blinking rapidly, not wanting her to see the tears that were forming in his eyes. He felt the bed shift and knew that Lily had sat down on the edge. Her hand moved to his back, rubbing small circles, and he lost a bit more of his resolve.

"Remus," she said quietly, pulling on his shoulder to turn him over and he finally complied. "Oh Remus," she said and pulled him into her arms. He buried his face in her neck and let the tears fall. When he'd finally composed himself, he tried to turn away from her again, cheeks red with embarrassment.

"Talk to me please," she said and he sighed.

"I don't understand why he would do that," Remus finally said in little more than a whisper. "I thought he was my friend."

"I know," Lily replied sadly. "For what it's worth, I don't think that he meant for anything to happen."

"That's the problem," Remus said. "He never thinks."

"I won't disagree with you there," Lily said, taking his hand in hers. He looked down at their clasped hands.

"How can you even want to be around me?" he asked.

"What on earth are you talking about?" she returned, looking confused.

"I almost killed your best friend," he said.

"That wasn't your fault and it wasn't you," she said. "It was the wolf and he was only reacting how he _should_ react. I don't blame you Remus." She sighed. "And besides, Severus isn't my best friend." Remus gave her a puzzled look. "You are." Remus blushed again and ducked his head, but there was a smile on his lips.

"I've got to go," she said. "It's almost time for Charms." He nodded. She leaned back to glance out the screens and then leaned forward again and kissed him. He tangled a hand in her hair and pulled her closer to him. A noise outside in the ward pulled them apart abruptly. Lily sat up and straightened her hair as Remus leaned back into his pillows trying to get his breathing under control. The sound of sharp footsteps on the stone floor approached Remus' bed and the screens were pulled further apart by Madame Pomfrey.

"Mr. Lupin," she said. "It's time for your next potion. Hello Miss Evans."

"Madame Pomfrey," Lily said in greeting. "I'll see you later Remus."

"Bye Lily," Remus replied. Madame Pomfrey ran a diagnostic over him as Lily left.

"Your heart is racing," Madame Pomfrey admonished. "What have you been doing?" Remus' face turned bright red as he heard Lily's giggle before she left the ward. Madame Pomfrey looked from Remus to the closed infirmary door, smirk playing at her lips. "Yes, well, try to keep the excitement to a minimum until I release you, yes?" Remus looked at his lap, mortified. Madame Pomfrey handed him the potion. He drank it and leaned back against the pillows of his bed, once again going over the events of the previous night.

He was lost in his thoughts and didn't immediately hear the noise at the edge of the screens around his bed, which was unusual for him given his heightened senses. When he looked up, he saw James standing next to him.

"James," Remus said a bit startled by his friend's sudden appearance.

"Hey, Moony," James said and Remus flinched. He really didn't need any more reminders of his affliction right now. "Sorry, Remus," James said. "How are you doing?"

"All right," Remus said with a shrug. The two boys sat in silence for a few minutes until Remus nervously cleared his throat. "Thank you," he finally said. "For rescuing Snape before I could, well, you know."

"It was nothing," James said, nervously shifting from foot to foot.

"It wasn't nothing," Remus continued. "If I had gotten to him I'd be in Azkaban right now."

"Well, you're welcome then," James said. "Look, Moo-, er, Remus, Sirius is really upset and he's sorry and everything. You know him, he doesn't think and," James trailed off as he looked at Remus' face.

"Do not tell me that you're going to try and defend him," Remus spat, livid.

"No, I'm not," James assured his friend. "There is no excuse for what he did. But he did it without thinking. He didn't intend for Snape to get hurt. He didn't even think you'd get free. He just thought that Snape would see you and wet his pants or something. He feels horrible about everything."

"That's just Sirius' problem though, isn't it James?" Remus challenged. "He never thinks about the consequences, just whether he'll get a laugh out of it or not. But besides all of that, he let Snape in on my secret, _our_ secret. You don't think he's going to run right to his Death Eater wannabe friends and tell them all about me?"

"Dumbledore said Snape swore he wouldn't tell," James said.

"Well excuse me if that isn't very comforting," Remus retorted. "How am I ever supposed to trust Sirius again?" James sighed and ran a hand through his hair, making it even messier than it had been.

"I don't expect you to just forget about it and forgive him," James said. "But at least give him a chance."

"I don't know, James," Remus said tiredly, leaning back against the pillows and closing his eyes.

"I know it's going to take time," James continued. "And you might not ever trust Sirius like you used to, but I swear to you Remus, he's completely torn up about this. I've never seen him like this. Please?" Remus opened his eyes and looked at his friend. How could he say no to James after everything James had done for him and after Remus was keeping such an enormous secret from him? A secret that would break his heart. But he couldn't bring himself to agree, not just yet.

"I don't know James," Remus said. "I just don't know."

"Well, you didn't say no," James pointed out with a smile. Remus snorted. "So when's Pomfrey letting you out of here?"

"Maybe after dinner," Remus replied. "Depends how my shoulder heals up." Remus had dislocated his shoulder after trying to break his way out of the shack into the tunnel to get to Snape. As much as it had hurt, it was actually a good thing as it kept the wolf quieter than he would have been, knowing that prey had escaped him. James nodded.

"Mr. Potter, Mr. Lupin needs his rest," Madame Pomfrey said, suddenly coming up behind James. "And I'm sure you have a class in which you need to be."

"Yes, Madame Pomfrey," James said with a cheeky grin and the mediwitch clucked her tongue and shook her head. Remus still saw the slight smile on her face as James left though. He lay back in his bed as the matron lowered the head of it and turned on his good side. Closing his eyes with a yawn, he realized that he was really quite tired. He felt Madame Pomfrey tuck the sheets in around him and a hand brush his hair back. He smiled and dreamed of Lily.

* * *

Remus was indeed released later that evening only after agreeing to wear the sling Madame Pomfrey presented him with as well as assuring her he would come back the next day after lunch and let her check him over again. He walked slowly back to the common room, not out of any pain, but because he didn't really relish seeing Sirius.

And then there was Lily. Two days before the full moon, they'd had another row about telling James about the two of them. It wasn't until Lily insulted his, seemingly to her, non-existent Gryffindor courage that Remus agreed to tell James after the moon. But now James had saved Snape and Remus from fates possibly worse than death. Remus knew he wouldn't survive six months in Azkaban and Snape's worst nightmare was probably becoming some filthy half-breed, although Remus doubted he would have been able to stop at just changing Snape over. Remus once again wondered just how he could explain his relationship with Lily to his friend, who would surely see it as some kind of betrayal.

Remus sighed as he reached the portrait hole and stood in silence in front of it for a few minutes. He rubbed his forehead with his fingertips of his good hand, feeling an enormous headache coming on as he tried to figure out just how he was going to get out of this situation without someone getting hurt.

"Do you plan to give me the password or are you going to stand there all night?" the Fat Lady snapped irritably.

"Sorry," Remus replied. "Mistletoe."

"That's more like it," the Fat Lady said and swung open to reveal the common room. Remus stepped through and immediately glanced toward the fireplace where he and his friends usually sat. All three of them were there and Sirius and James stood as soon as they saw Remus. Remus stopped and stared at Sirius, who returned Remus' gaze uncomfortably. Remus finally shook his head in disgust and began to walk towards the stairs to the dorm. Sirius made to follow, but Remus saw James grab Sirius' arm and shake his head slightly. Sirius' shoulders slumped.

Remus climbed the stairs to his dorm and shut the door quietly behind him. He sank down on his bed and lay back, throwing his good arm over his eyes. Moments later, the door creaked open. Remus lowered his arm and squinted at the door, but it was only Peter.

"Remus?" Peter said tentatively as he stepped into the room.

"Yeah," Remus replied tiredly.

"I'm sorry about what happened yesterday," Peter said.

"It wasn't your fault Pete," Remus answered.

"I know, but I'm still sorry," the other boy said.

"Thanks," Remus mumbled.

"And I told Lily about it too," he said. "I hope you don't mind, but she was looking for you earlier."

"No, it's all right," Remus said.

"Sirius," Peter began, but Remus moved his arm and shook his head, anger returning.

"I don't want to talk about Sirius," Remus spat. Peter swallowed thickly and started to leave the room, then shook his head and squared his shoulders, coming back in and walking over to Remus' bed.

"I know you don't want to talk about him, but you can listen," Peter said with an uncharacteristic bit of hardness to his voice. Remus looked up at him in surprise. "Sirius wants to apologize. He feels horrible about what he did and he knows how stupid it was. I know you're angry and you should be and I don't expect that you're going to forgive him any time soon, but you can still at least listen to what he has to say." Remus was so shocked by his normally skittish friend's outburst that he couldn't reply. He simply stared at Peter with his mouth hanging open. Peter held his gaze for a minute longer, then nodded once and turned and left the room. Remus lay on his back for a long time, staring up at his canopy and trying to figure out just what in Merlin's name had happened to his friends.

* * *

**7 December 1975 – Fifth Year**

It had been five days since Remus was released from the hospital wing. He'd been able to get rid of the sling two days ago and had been avoiding everyone, even Lily, ever since. He studied in a small unused classroom he'd found on the third floor instead of the library or the common room. He came back to his dorm either early or late, so as to avoid his friends when they came up to ready themselves for bed. James had tried to talk to him again the night before, but Remus had brushed him off saying he had to start revising for exams and escaping from the dorm as quickly as possible. He ate breakfast early before most of his housemates were even awake and took to going down to the kitchens for lunch and dinner.

Lily was worried about him. She slipped him a note in Arithmancy earlier that day, asking what was going on and begging him to talk to her. He'd written just two words back, 'Not now', and had seen the slump of her shoulders and the brightness in her eyes when he'd rejected her again, but somehow it didn't bother him as much as it probably should have. He had gotten up almost before they'd been dismissed from class and hurried away before Lily could say anything.

And now he was out on the grounds standing and staring out at the lake. It was cold and while he had his cloak, he still shivered now and then. He could have cast a warming charm on himself, he knew, but he didn't. Remus heard a noise to his right and turned to see Hagrid coming up the hill from the forest towards the lake.

"Bit chilly to be out tonight, init?" Hagrid asked. Remus shrugged. "Gettin' late too. Mebbe you should get back inside."

"I'll go in a few minutes," Remus mumbled. Hagrid put a hand on Remus' shoulder, causing Remus' knees to buckle for a few seconds.

"Where's yer friends?" Hagrid asked. Remus shrugged again. "Ah, that the problem is it? Well I'm sure it'll work out."

"I'm not so sure it will," Remus said quietly.

"They do somethin' that bad?" Hagrid questioned.

"You could say that," Remus replied. Hagrid looked at him for a few moments.

"I don' know what happened, mind, but I gotta say, in all me years here I never seen friends the likes o' you lot," Hagrid said. "Wha'ever it was, it's not worth losin' friends like that over."

"You probably wouldn't say that if you knew what it was," Remus said.

"Nobody died did they?" he asked, in jest Remus knew, but it still caused the Gryiffindor's hands to curl into fists. He shook his head, not trusting his voice. "Maimed fer life?" Hagrid continued and Remus shook his head again. "Well then, not worth it I'd say." They stood in silence for a few minutes.

"What if one of those supposed friends betrayed you so badly you didn't think you could ever trust them again?" Remus finally said, staring back at the lake once more.

"Ah," Hagrid said simply. "Well, trust, tha's a tricky thing, init? Don' trust many people meself, Perfesser Dumbledore's one o' the few. But if it were me, I'd wanna know why for starters."

"That's just the thing, I think I know why and it's such a stupid reason that could have had such horrible consequences, I can't even believe that he would have done it," Remus said, starting to get angry again.

"We talkin' abou' Sirius Black here?" Hagrid asked and Remus started, quite surprised. Hagrid chuckled. "I know a lot more abou' wha' goes on round here than yeh think. Lemme tell you somethin'. I went to school with Orion Black, he was in me year and a nasty bugger he was. Din' know Sirius' mum so well, she was a few years ahead o' us, but she was no prize herself. Sirius sorted into Gryffindor, bein' as decent as he is, growin' up with the two o' them? Well, let's just say he ain't had the best o' role models."

Remus said nothing, just continued to stare out at the lake. He knew that Sirius didn't have an easy time of things at home. His parents had been furious when he'd been sorted into Gryffindor, his father had even demanded Dumbledore do a resort. When Sirius had been put in Gryffindor for the second time, Sirius' father had been livid. Sirius rarely spent much time at home during breaks and holidays, preferring James' house to his own. And though he tried to hide it, Remus had seen the careful movements and the grimaces of pain after Sirius had been home for a time. Injuring himself once a month, Remus knew what someone who'd been battered looked like. He'd never said anything to Sirius about it, not wanting to embarrass his friend, but James had made enough comments for Remus to know he was right. But even with all of that, it still didn't excuse what Sirius had done.

"Hard times are comin'," Hagrid continued. "Some o' them are already here. We're all gonna need all the friends and trust we can get if we're gonna make it through." He clapped Remus on the shoulder once more. "You better get back up to the castle. It's gettin' late." Remus nodded and pulled his feet out from where they'd sunk into the earth at Hagrid's shoulder clap. He looked up at the half-giant.

"Thanks Hagrid," he said.

"Any time," Hagrid replied, then shooed Remus towards the castle again. When Remus reached the steps, he turned back and saw Hagrid still standing and watching him, a silent sentry making sure he was safely inside.

* * *

When he reached the common room, he stopped, surprised to see that it was nearly empty. Two small girls, who looked to be first years, giggled in one corner. The only other occupant was curled up in an armchair near the fire, her head leaning on the arm, eyes closed and book slack in her hand. Remus looked toward the two first-years.

"You'd better head to bed," he said, pulling his robes so they could see his prefect badge more clearly. "It's getting late." The two girls giggled again and then scurried up the stairs to their dorm. Remus watched until they disappeared from view. He crossed the common room and sat down on the end of the coffee table in front of Lily's chair. He took the book from her hands and set it behind him on the table, then tucked a stray lock of hair behind her ear, tracing his finger down her jaw line after. She stirred and blinked sleepily at him.

"Hi," she said quietly. Remus tried to smile at her, but failed miserably. He'd treated her awfully these last few days. He stood and handed her the book that he had taken from her hands.

"Here," he said. "I'm sorry that I woke you, but I didn't think you'd want to sleep down here all night."

"It's all right," she said, sitting up in the chair and taking the book from him.

"Well," he said awkwardly. "I guess I'll go up to bed." He turned, but she grabbed the sleeve of his robes.

"Remus wait," she said and he turned reluctantly around. Lily looked at him and then bit her lip, looking down at her lap. "Won't you please tell me what's wrong?" She peeked at him through her hair and Remus sighed.

"I think you're smart enough to know what's wrong, Lily," he said, wanting nothing more than to fall into his bed and sleep.

"You've been avoiding me," she accused, ignoring his statement.

"I suppose I have," he admitted.

"I don't understand why," she said quietly. He sighed again.

"I don't deserve someone like you," he finally said. Her head snapped up and she looked at him in shock. "After what happened, I don't know how you can even want to be around a monster like me."

"Nothing happened," Lily said, shaking her head.

"I nearly killed Snape!" Remus exclaimed.

"But you didn't," Lily insisted.

"Only because James just happened to be in the right place at the right time," Remus retorted. "If he hadn't been there, I would have! Don't you see Lily, the next time it could be you."

"I'd never be so stupid as to walk down the tunnel to the Shrieking Shack on the full moon when I know there's a werewolf at the other end," she hissed. "So I don't see just how, exactly, it could have been me." Remus sat down on the couch and put his head in his hands.

"And just how am I supposed to tell James, the person who saved me from being sent to Azkaban for life and who saved Snape from being killed, that I'm dating the one girl he truly loves," Remus said from behind his hands.

"I've told you before James is a big boy and," Lily stopped. "Wait, what?"

"He loves you Lily," Remus said tiredly, looking up at her. "I think I've known it all along, but I just didn't want to admit it to myself."

"That's ridiculous," she said with a toss of her head, but Remus could see that she looked unsure.

"I don't think he even knows it himself yet, but I can tell," Remus assured her.

"And just how can you do that?" she demanded.

"I know the signs," Remus said. He locked eyes with her. "Because I'm in love with you too." She opened her mouth and then closed it again, continuing to stare at him. He looked back at her sadly and then shook his head, looking down at the floor once more. The next thing he knew, she had flung herself onto his lap and was kissing him for all she was worth. He tried to pull away, but she wrapped her arms tighter around his neck and soon he was returning her kisses with equal fervor. When they finally came up for air, she took his face in her hands.

"I love you Remus Lupin," she said quietly. Remus stared at her in shock, then took her hands from his face and clasped them between his.

"Don't say it just because I did," he replied, but his heart was beating just a little faster at her admission.

"I'm not," Lily insisted. "I love you Remus." He searched her eyes and saw nothing but honesty and openness there and he kissed her again. Then he pulled back once more.

"James would be better for you than me," Remus said. Lily began tracing his jawline with her nose.

"I don't love James," she said simply, continuing her path to his neck.

"He's smart and comes from a good family, he'll be able to get any job he wants once school is over, he's better looking than I am but mostly, he's not a werewolf," Remus continued, sucking in a breath as she kissed his neck.

"Maybe _you_ should date him if he's so wonderful," she said dryly. Remus pushed her shoulder gently and tilted her chin up to look at him.

"I mean it," he said.

"And_ I_ meant what _I_ said," Lily returned. "I don't love James, I love _you._ I don't want to be with James, I want to be with _you_. Why can't you believe that?" Remus shrugged.

"There's something else," he said and Lily sighed.

"What?" she asked.

"I can't tell him," Remus said.

"Remus," Lily said, shaking her head.

"After everything he's done for me, becoming an animagus, saving Snape, I just, I can't Lily. I can't do it," Remus said sadly.

"So are you saying that you're breaking things off with me?" she asked.

"No," Remus said, knowing that even if he did, he wouldn't have the strength to stay away from her. "I'm saying that if you want to keep seeing me, it will have to stay a secret." Lily's eyes flashed in anger.

"So sneaking around behind his back is better and less hurtful than just telling him to his face?" she demanded.

"No," Remus said flatly. He was disgusted with himself. Of course it wasn't better, it was worse, not to mention the most cowardly way to go about things.

"You don't have to do it alone," she said. "I'll be with you, we can tell him together." Remus shook his head. "At least he won't hit you if I'm there." She smiled at him, but the most he could manage was a half-smirk. "Look we're both tired," Lily continued. "It's been a horrible week. Let's just go to sleep and talk about this again tomorrow, all right?" He nodded. She leaned into him and kissed him again, a slow, sweet kiss for once and then stood, holding a hand out to help him up off the couch. He picked up her book from where it had fallen to the floor and handed it to her. They walked to the dorm stairs, hand in hand and Remus kissed her once more before they parted and went up to their respective rooms. He sighed when he reached his and rested his forehead against the closed door. Lily was right, they had to tell James.

* * *

**20 December 1975**

But time had gotten away from them and there never seemed to be a proper moment to tell James. They were all busy with end of term projects and exams, Lily and Remus revising in the library nearly every night. And now the train had nearly reached King's Cross and they would all be going their separate ways for three weeks, Sirius, of course, heading to the Potter's.

Remus had sat in the compartment with his friends, sitting with Lily and hers would look too suspicious, although Lily and Mary had come by and played a few games of exploding snap with them. And Remus and Lily had patrolled the train together, sneaking into the same luggage car and snogging for a bit before they returned to their compartments.

"You're still coming at Christmas, yeah?" Lily asked when Remus had finally released her lips.

"Are you sure?" he asked. "Isn't Christmas for families?"

"Don't be daft, Remus," she chided. "We open gifts on Christmas Eve, we always have. Christmas afternoon, we lie around and watch movies on the telly. And Petunia won't even be there, she's going somewhere with her stupid friends. You're not interrupting anything. Besides," she'd said, as she nipped at his earlobe. "I don't think I can go three weeks without seeing you." At that he'd crashed his lips to hers once again and they'd been rather occupied for quite some time.

* * *

**25 December 1975**

Remus stood nervously on Lily's front step, waiting for her to come to the door. He had the small wrapped package in his pocket. He hoped that she liked it, but more importantly, he hoped that they would get to exchange gifts privately. Remus heard steps inside and the door was flung open, his arms full of Lily before he was even ready for her.

"Oomph," he said as she jumped at him, nearly knocking him off the step.

"Sorry," she giggled, letting him get his footing before she kissed him enthusiastically.

"Lily," he admonished, his face turning red.

"What?" she asked with a laugh. "Mum and Dad don't care, don't worry." She took his hand and pulled him inside, taking his cloak after she shut the door. "Mum, Dad, Remus is here," she said happily, towing him into the lounge.

"Hello Remus, it's nice to see you again," Lily's mother said, leaning down and kissing his cheek.

"You too, Mrs. Evans," he replied with a small smile.

"None of that now, you call me Rose," she said, giving his arm a gentle squeeze.

"This is my dad," Lily said, turning the man in the room. "Dad, this is Remus."

"Pleased to meet you son," Mr. Evans said, shaking Remus' hand.

"Thank you sir, it's nice to meet you too," Remus replied.

"If you can call my wife Rose, you can call me Harold," Mr. Evans said. Remus just nodded, not knowing how to respond. Lily's parents were very nice, but he wasn't used to such a casual atmosphere. He still called James' parents Mr. and Mrs. Potter and he'd known them for years.

"Mum, Remus and I are going up to my room," Lily said before she took Remus' hand and started pulling him towards the stairs.

"All right dear, we'll eat in about an hour," her mother replied. Remus stared at Mrs. Evans' back as she settled back on the couch next to her husband. She tucked her legs up underneath her and leaned her head on his shoulder, as they turned their attention to the program they had been watching.

"Lily," he hissed as Lily yanked him into her room and shut the door. "Maybe you should leave the door open."

"Why?" she asked in confusion.

"Well, because," he said, his face reddening. He rubbed the back of his neck. "Because it's just not proper is all." Lily's brow was still furrowed in puzzlement. Suddenly her face cleared and she gave him a sly grin.

"Why, do you plan to have your wicked way with me?" she asked, stalking towards him like she was a predator and him the prey.

"Lily," he protested again, holding up his hands to try and ward her off. But she ignored him and wrapped her arms around his waist, pulling her body very close to his.

"What's the matter Remus?" she asked, grinning at him. She pulled him impossibly closer and he groaned. "Afraid you won't be able to control yourself?" She began to kiss his neck and he sucked in a breath. Unable to restrain himself any longer, he grabbed Lily's face in his hands and began kissing her, moaning into her mouth as she pressed herself against him. He wasn't sure how long they snogged, but it was long enough for things to get rather uncomfortable in certain regions of his body and he abruptly pulled away from her and took a few steps back, facing the wall and trying to calm himself.

Lily was panting as well and as he looked over his shoulder, he saw that her lips were swollen and her face was flushed. Growling, he turned back around and stalked towards her, grabbing her around the waist and carrying her to her bed. The two of them tumbled down upon it, Remus hovering over her. He continued to kiss her, some part of him knowing that if they didn't stop soon, he wouldn't be able to, but the other part not really caring too much. He ground his hips into hers and she gasped.

"Remus," she said between kisses.

"Hmm," he managed, sucking lightly on her neck. She got her arms underneath of him and pushed against his chest.

"Remus," she said again. He ignored her and moved to her collarbone, running his tongue slowly along it. "Remus," she gasped, then shoved at him harder. "Stop."

With the most supreme effort, he pulled away from her, sitting up at her side. He raised his knees and rested his elbows on them, dropping his head and breathing heavily. Lily stayed on her back, looking up at the ceiling and breathing just as hard. After a few minutes he turned and looked at her.

"Now do you see why we need to leave the door open?" he asked and she began to giggle. He tried to glare at her, but he lost the battle with one look at her face. Soon both of them were laughing so hard that tears were running down their cheeks.

"All right," she said when they had finally gotten control of themselves. "I see your point." She stood and went to the door, opening it a few inches. She looked back at Remus, who raised one eyebrow. She sighed and opened it a few more. He smiled at her this time when she turned around and she stuck her tongue out at him playfully. He grabbed her around the waist when she walked back toward the bed and she shrieked. He laughed and kissed the tip of her nose, then helped her sit up.

"I've got something for you," he said.

"I thought we decided to open the door," she said cheekily and he rolled his eyes. He took the small box from his pocket and handed it to her.

"Oh, wait, let me get yours," she said, jumping up and opening the door of her wardrobe. She pulled out a long, thin package and handed it to him. "Open yours first," she commanded.

"Bossy, aren't we?" he asked, but ripped into the paper all the same. Inside was a handsome, leather-bound book and the most elegant quill he'd ever seen.

"It's a self-inking quill," she explained. "You're always forgetting your ink bottle when we study, so I thought this would be perfect for you." He chuckled a bit. It was true, he never did seem to have enough ink with him to finish his essays. He picked up the book and opened it. His eyes widened when he read the fly leaf inside.

"Lily this is a first edition," he said. She nodded, smiling happily.

"I found it in an antique bookshop this summer when my mum and I went shopping one day. It was in horrible shape, I don't think the shopkeeper even knew what it was," she explained. "I took it to a book dealer that my dad knows and had it rebound for you." Remus ran his hand lovingly over the cover. Treasure Island had been his favorite as a boy. His mother had read it aloud to him the summer he was 10. He had reread it countless times since.

"This is, I don't even know what to say," Remus said. "Thank you." He leaned forward and kissed her, slowly and lovingly, cupping her cheek when he pulled back from her. "Open yours now," he said, suddenly less sure of his gift than he had been. Hers had been so personal, perfect for him and him alone. Remus rubbed his neck nervously as she took off the paper. Lily opened the lid of the box and gasped, bringing a hand to her mouth.

"Remus, it's beautiful," she whispered, eyes never leaving the pendant in the box.

"Do you really like it?" he asked.

"Of course," she said, looking up at him. "Put it on me?" He nodded and pulled it from the box. She turned around and held her hair off her neck. Remus fumbled with the clasp once, but then managed to put it around her neck and fasten it. Before she let go of her hair, he leaned in a planted a soft kiss just above the clasp. Then he wrapped his arms around her from behind as she picked up the pendant and ran a finger lightly over it. There were two gold hearts, one smaller than the other and completely contained within the larger one.

"When I saw this, I knew that it was perfect, because you carry my heart around in your own," he said, tightening his hold around her. She pulled in a breath and turned her head to look at him. There were tears glistening in her eyes. "Lily?" he asked in concern. Instead of answering, she kissed him, just as softly as he had kissed her. He sighed and deepened the kiss turning her so she was facing him. The next thing either of them noticed was a throat clearing behind them. Remus jumped away from Lily as if he'd been burned and looked into the amused face of Mrs. Evans.

"I just came up to tell you that dinner was nearly ready," she said, a smirk playing about her lips as Remus' face turned a rather impressive shade of red.

"Mum, look at what Remus gave me," Lily said excitedly, jumping off the bed and holding out her necklace. Mrs. Evans admired it and then smiled at Remus.

"It's beautiful Remus," she said. He smiled and ducked his head at the praise. Mrs. Evans took Lily's chin in her hand. "Come down and help me set the table, hm?" she said, kissing her daughter's forehead.

"Mum," Lily said, rolling her eyes, but Remus saw her pleased expression as well.

"I'll help," Remus offered and stood taking Lily's hand. The two teens followed Lily's mother to the dining room, both glancing lovingly at the other as they walked down the stairs.

* * *

**30 January 1976**

Remus plodded back to the common room after his last class of the day. He made his way up the stairs to his dorm, thankful that none of his mates were there. Sinking down onto his bed, he threw an arm over his eyes and sighed. He pulled the small package out from under his pillow and stared at it. It was Lily's birthday and she still wasn't speaking to him.

After dinner on Christmas, the two of them had discussed James and how they would tell him about their relationship. Lily convinced him the best thing to do was to tell him right away when they got back to school. Remus had agreed until he had sat with his friends on the train. Sirius was overly cheerful, but something was wrong about it. Even Peter could tell that his mood was forced. When Sirius finally left their compartment to go and find his latest female conquest, James explained what had happened at Christmas. Sirius had an enormous row with his parents and his mother had subsequently disowned him. Not before his father had given him a nasty beating, his mother slapping him so hard across the face that James could actually discern the handprint when Sirius had finally arrived at Potter Manor.

"He's pretending like it doesn't matter and we all know how much he can't stand his family, but he's still hurt," James said. "Moony, I know that you and he haven't been on the best of terms since everything that happened with Snape, but, well," James paused and ran a hand through his already messy hair. "He needs us right now, mate." Remus nodded wordlessly.

It was true that he hadn't really spoken to Sirius much more than he was absolutely forced to before the Christmas holiday. Remus was still angry with him about what he'd done and truth be told, a small part of him probably always would be. But Sirius was in trouble that much he could tell. This false bravado was actually more concerning than if Sirius had been depressed and angry. An angry Sirius, Remus knew how to handle. A falsely cheery one, he did not.

And so, the three of them had rallied round the fourth of their quartet. Remus knew there was no way he could tell James about Lily now. James would need Sirius once they found out the truth and Sirius was in no shape to be there for James, no matter how he appeared on the outside. Lily had understood, at first, but the longer Remus waited, the more impatient she became. Sirius was very good at hiding things from those not close to him and Lily didn't realize just how much he was really suffering.

She had confronted Remus nearly two weeks before, but he had put her off once again. She hadn't spoken to him since, despite the numerous notes he had given her and even the owl he sent once, trying to explain. She avoided him in the common room and in classes and took to studying on her own or with Mary in a different corner of the library. Even Snape was rarely around anymore, having become more entrenched with his Death Eater wannabe friends.

And that night he and Lily had patrol together. They had arranged it that way the month before so that they could have some time alone on Lily's birthday, but now Remus wasn't sure if they would even speak to each other. He ran a finger over the box again and put it in his pocket. He would still give her the gift, even if she refused to talk to him.

That night he made his way down to the common room and out through the portrait hole to where he usually met Lily. Instead of Lily, however, he came face to face with Dorcas Meadowes, a Ravenclaw sixth year prefect.

"Lily asked me to switch patrols with her tonight," Dorcas said by way of greeting. "Something about her birthday?" Remus nodded, unable to say anything, as the two began walking towards the Great Hall. Dorcas tried to engage Remus in small talk, but finally gave up when he gave nothing more than one word answers and didn't ask her anything in return.

That hour seemed to be the longest of his life. His hand kept straying to the box in his pocket and he wondered just what Lily was doing for her birthday and just who she was celebrating it with. Her dorm mates most likely, Remus thought. He doubted Mary would let her best friend's 16th birthday pass without some kind of celebration. Sighing, Remus glanced at his watch again and was glad to find there were only ten minutes left in his patrol.

As soon as it was over, he said good-bye to Dorcas and trudged back to his dorm. When he stepped through the portrait hole, he was surprised to see the entirety of the fifth years, as well as a few sixth years, sitting on the couches near the fire, a large cake on the table, surrounded by bottles of butterbeer.

"Moony!" Sirius called. "Come have some of Evans' cake." Remus had stopped short just inside the portrait and stared at everyone laughing and joking with each other. Lily looked up from her seat on the floor in front of James and met Remus' eye almost defiantly, before she quickly looked away.

"Come on Moony," James repeated. "It's not chocolate, but it's awfully good." He grinned at Remus and gestured with his eyes toward where Lily sat in front of him, his smile triumphant. Remus felt as if his heart was being ripped out of his chest.

"No thanks, Prongs," Remus said quietly. "I'm really tired. I'll just head up to bed. Happy Birthday Lily." Remus crossed the room and began to climb the stairs, aware of more than one set of eyes on him. He refused to look and see if one was Lily's.

When he reached his dorm, Remus took the small package out of his pocket and ran his finger lightly over the top. Then he opened his trunk and buried the box inside, as far to the bottom as he could get it. He flopped down on his bed without even changing out of his clothes and closed the curtains of his four-poster. He put up a silencing charm for good measure and stared at the canopy until he fell into a fitful sleep.

* * *

**7 February 1976**

It had been another week and Remus was no longer sad and depressed. Well, he was these things, but he was also angry and his anger was trumping his depression at the moment. The morning after Lily's birthday, when he'd woken up feeling worse than he had before he went to sleep, he realized that while he hadn't told James like he promised that he would, there were extenuating circumstances. Things he had tried to explain to Lily and get her to understand. He wasn't refusing to tell James outright, but he needed more time until Sirius got his head on straight again.

Lily, however, seemed to be unable or unwilling to listen. Remus knew it was difficult for her. She still didn't understand completely how the wizarding world worked, even after spending nearly five years in it. And she had absolutely no concept of how pureblood families acted, especially one Noble and Ancient House of Black. She couldn't wrap her mind around growing up with parents that didn't love her, as she had two of the most loving parents there were. She didn't realize that most purebloods had children not out of love, but necessity for carrying on the family name. It was a more a business arrangement than a marriage. Add to that the inbreeding and the madness passed down through the generations, well, Remus had no doubt that Lily could not even begin to fathom what it was like for Sirius.

But that still gave her no excuse for not trying to understand, for not giving Remus the benefit of the doubt and letting him go about telling James in his own way and his own time. And he couldn't understand what she had been doing with James at her birthday party. Was she deliberately trying to make Remus jealous or was she pointing out what she could easily have if the two of them were no longer together? It stung, to be sure, but it also nearly enraged Remus that she would treat not only him, but James, so callously. Especially since she knew how James felt about her.

Remus stalked toward the library determined to find Lily and make her understand. He wouldn't take silence or no for an answer. At this point, even if she didn't want to be with him any longer, he needed her to know what was going on with Sirius.

Remus passed through the library quickly, keeping his eyes open for the auburn haired witch. He found her alone in the back near the restricted session, head bowed over an essay. He cleared his throat when he reached her table and she looked up in surprise. Her expression changed almost immediately to one of cool indifference.

"I need to speak with you," Remus said without preamble. Lily's eyes narrowed.

"Have you spoken to James?" she asked.

"Not about what you want me to," Remus replied coolly.

"Then we have nothing to say to each other," Lily said with a sniff.

"Yes," Remus snapped. "We do." Lily looked up at him again. He could tell she was shocked by his tone, but anyone else wouldn't have been able to see it. "I suggest we go somewhere else. I don't think Madame Pince would appreciate this conversation taking place in the library."

"I've got an essay to finish," Lily said, turning back to the parchment on her desk. Remus gritted his teeth, trying to clamp down on his anger. The full moon was in three days, so it was harder than usual. He didn't want to scare her and he certainly didn't want to hurt her, but he needed to talk to her. He bent down and put his mouth next to her ear.

"You will stop acting like a spoiled child and come with me right now, Lily Evans," he hissed. She glared at him, but something in his expression must have startled her, because he saw her swallow and then turn to gather up her things.

"Fine," she said with a huff. "I'll give you ten minutes." Remus didn't reply, but she would give him all the time he needed, that much he knew.

When Lily had finished putting everything in her bag, she stood and followed Remus from the library. He walked ahead of her, teeth clenched, hands fisted at his sides. Lily, for her part, kept up with his quick pace and soon they reached an unused classroom. Remus opened the door and ushered her inside, his manners still intact despite his temper. Once they had both entered, Remus cast a locking and silencing charm on the door. He then spun to face Lily.

"This has got to stop," he said.

"Why because _you_ say it does and because you're the man, so I have to follow what you say?" she demanded, crossing her arms in front of her.

"No, damn it, because you need to understand just what Sirius is going through right now," Remus retorted.

"Sorry, Remus, but Black doesn't seem to be suffering any ill-effects of whatever happened to him at Christmas," she said with a shrug. "You've told me how much he hated his parents. I'd say he was right chuffed to be rid of them."

"His father beat him Lily!" Remus roared. "His mother slapped him so hard, the mark from her hand didn't come off his cheek for three days, even with the best bruise salve money could buy!" Remus hadn't told Lily the extent of the abuse, just about the disownment and Sirius' mother's slap, not wanting to break his friend's confidence. Lily stood and stared at him with her mouth gaping open for a moment. She recovered quickly however.

"What are you talking about Remus?" she asked with a shake of her head as if she couldn't believe what Remus was saying.

"Sirius'. Father. Beat. Him." Remus repeated. "What part of it don't you understand?" Lily stood in shocked silence. "He showed up at James' house with a bloody back, a broken wrist and broken ribs. Not to mention the handiwork of his mother on his face. When James' brought him inside, he passed out in the hall after coughing up blood. He probably should have gone to St. Mungo's, but neither of James' parents wanted the Blacks to be able to get at Sirius again. So, Mrs. Potter called a healer friend of hers who came and took care of him. He could have died Lily. They don't even know how he managed to make it from his house to James' without collapsing." Remus' anger had slowly morphed into despair for his friend. No matter what Sirius had done with the whole Snape incident, no one deserved to be treated that way, especially by their parents.

Remus looked up at Lily who still hadn't said anything. He was unsurprised to find tears streaming down her cheeks, but a bit surprised that he didn't feel the need to rush to comfort her. She needed to hear this and understand.

"This wasn't the first beating he'd gotten either. Whipping was a regular punishment of Mr. Black's. His mother preferred 'cleaner' punishments, hexes or the cruciatus," Remus continued. Lily gave a strangled sort of cry and began shaking her head. "And there was no child protective service to come in and rescue him. The first thing a pureblood child in a family like Sirius' is taught is that you _never_ reveal the family secrets. What goes on behind closed doors stays there or the next time, it will be worse."

"Stop, Remus, please," Lily begged, but Remus shook his head.

"No, not until you've heard it all," he said. "Not until you understand. This is why I can't say anything to James right now. Sirius may project to everyone that all is fine and wonderful in his world, but it's an act. One that he's gotten good at over the years, out of necessity, but one that James and I can see through. Sirius needs us, all of us, and he won't have that if I tell James the truth." Lily sniffed a little, but Remus could see that her tears were slowing.

"Why didn't you explain this to me before?" she asked. "I would have understood and then we wouldn't have been fighting all these weeks." Remus shook his head.

"Sirius doesn't want people to know," he said. "And I respect my friends' privacy."

"I understand that," Lily said. "But if I'd just known, I wouldn't have been upset." Remus sighed. "What?" Lily asked.

"Why couldn't you just trust me when I said that Sirius needed us right now?" he asked. "Why did I have to give you all the information?"

"Well, Sirius really wasn't acting like he was upset," Lily pointed out.

"That's not what I'm saying Lily," Remus replied, running his hand through his hair tiredly. "I'm saying that you should have trusted me enough to know when the time was right."

"Well, it's not like you've given me any reason to where this subject is concerned," Lily retorted. "You've been telling me for months that you were going to tell James and yet you haven't."

"You know why," Remus said, trying to keep a lid on his temper once again. "There were always reasons."

"Exactly," Lily snapped. "There's always a reason, always some extenuating circumstance. I'm beginning to think that you don't really want anyone to know about us. Maybe you're ashamed of me."

"That's ridiculous," Remus said.

"Is it really Remus?" Lily returned. "You keep assuring me that you're going to tell your friends and yet you never do. You say that you love me but we have to meet in secret. I can't even hold your hand if other people are around. You tell me what that means."

"You know that's only for James' benefit," Remus replied angrily. "It has nothing to do with you."

"So you say," Lily said. Remus threw up his hands in exasperation.

"This is exactly what I'm talking about!" he shouted. "You don't trust me. You can't take anything I say at face value. You expect there to be some ulterior motive behind it. I'm not a bloody Slytherin!"

"No, you're a Gryffindor, or you're supposed to be at any rate," Lily yelled back.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Remus demanded.

"Just that I'm not seeing any real courage from you now, am I?" Lily spat. Remus opened his mouth to reply and then closed it again. His face, which had been red with anger, drained of all color. His shoulders slumped and he looked down at the ground.

"I guess we have nothing left to say to each other then, do we?" he said quietly, as he turned and lifted the spells that were on the door. It wasn't until he had opened the door and stepped into the hall that Lily spoke.

"Remus," she said pleadingly. Remus stopped but didn't turn around, his hand tightening on the knob of the door.

"I'm tired, Lily," he said. "I can't do this anymore." His heart screaming at him to stop, he forced himself to let go of the door and take a step forward and then another. And even when he heard the quiet sobs of Lily behind him, he refused to turn around, but kept walking away from the girl who held his heart within her own.


	4. Losing Lily

**A/N - Hello all, here's chapter four. I hope that people are liking how this is going and I thank you all for reading. Any time you'd like to let me know what you think, I would love to hear it! **

**20 February 1976 – Fifth Year**

"Lupin," a voice said and Remus turned his head to see Mary Macdonald standing before him. "I've got to talk to you." Remus gestured to the chair across the table from him and Mary sat down. "I know about you and Lily." Remus stared at her, Lily's name making his heart clamp painfully.

"And," he said, when Mary didn't continue to speak.

"And, you have to talk to her," Mary said. "She's not sleeping, she barely eats, and she even messed up a potion yesterday." Remus sighed. He'd seen the smoking ruins of Lily's Strengthening Potion the day before, something that never happened. Professor Slughorn had even asked her if she needed to go to the hospital wing, he was so shocked.

"There's nothing for Lily and I to talk about," Remus said quietly.

"Like hell there's not," Mary hissed. Remus started, quite unused to the normally quiet Mary so angry, not to mention swearing. "Look, I know that she said some things that were stupid, but you haven't exactly been innocent in this whole mess. I can't pretend to understand why you just won't tell Potter about the two of you, personally, I think you're being a total git, but that's neither here nor there. The important thing is that Lily loves you and unless I've gone completely daft, you love her just as much. This whole fight of yours is stupid and you need to get over it."

Remus sat in silence as Mary stared at him. She was right, about everything, he realized that. But knowing she was right and actually doing something about it were two different things. Finally, Remus made up his mind. He gathered up his parchments and books and stuffed them back into his bag. And then he looked up at Mary.

"Where is she?" he asked.

* * *

Remus paced in the classroom as he waited for Lily. Mary had hurried off to fetch her and the longer it took, the more Remus didn't think this was a good idea. He missed her more than anything, his entire being ached to hold her in his arms, but he still didn't know if he could do what Lily wanted. He knew she was right to be upset with him. He'd had plenty of chances to tell James as she'd pointed out. Regardless of what had happened with Sirius over Christmas, Remus could have told James long before.

Finally the door creaked slightly and Remus glanced up to see Lily standing in the doorway. He forced himself not to rush to her and grab her in his arms, but it was extremely difficult. She came into the room and pulled the door shut behind her, leaning against it and staying as far away from Remus as she could. He saw the dark circles under her eyes, even from this distance, and she looked pale and drawn. She worried her bottom lip between her teeth and her hands were clasped tightly behind her back. Remus wasn't sure how long they stood silently staring at one another, but it was Lily that finally broke the silence.

"I'm sorry," she whispered, so quietly he almost didn't hear her even with his heightened senses.

"For what?" he asked, taking a step forward.

"For not trusting you," she said. "You were right about that. For all that I pretend otherwise, I'm actually rather insecure when it comes to you and me." Remus looked at her in surprise and took another step towards her.

"Sorry?" he said.

"You're the first person I've really dated, Remus," she replied. "And I love you so much it hurts sometimes. I guess I'm afraid that you might not feel the same way about me."

"How can you think that?" Remus asked incredulously.

"I think that's why you not telling James bothers me so much," she admitted. "Sometimes I feel like your friends are the most important thing to you." Remus looked down at the ground. He understood now, why she was so insistent. If the situation were reversed, he would feel the same way.

"No, Lily, that's not it at all," he protested. "My friends are important to me, yes, but so are you. You're all important for different reasons. I never had friends before Hogwarts and that's what makes it so hard for me. I want to tell them, I want to go stand on top of the Astronomy Tower and scream it out for everyone to hear. But then there's this little part of me that reminds me that if I do, I'll lose my friends forever." Lily nodded, tears leaking from her eyes. Remus crossed the remaining distance between them. He put a finger beneath her chin and tilted her head up so she was looking at him.

"That doesn't mean that I love them more than I love you," he said. "I don't think I could ever love anyone as much as I love you." He stared at her and realized then how much he'd hurt her with his silence. His friends would come round, he knew they would, even James. His resolve hardened. "I'll tell them. Right now, I'll tell them, let's go." He stepped back from her and took her hand, opening the door and trying to pull her through. She resisted and he looked back at her in confusion.

"No," she said. Remus' mouth dropped open in shock. She'd been badgering him to tell James for months and now she didn't want to?

"What?" he finally said.

"No, you shouldn't tell them, not yet," she replied. She took a deep breath. "I thought a lot about what you said about Sirius and what his upbringing has been like. I can't even imagine a parent doing something like that to their own child." She shivered. "I've been watching Sirius these last couple of weeks and you're right, Remus. He's not doing well." Remus just continued to gape at her.

"Sure he's joking around like always and chasing after girls and everything else, but his eyes, they're not right," she continued.

"What do you mean?" Remus managed to ask, although he was pretty sure he knew what she meant.

"I've looked into his eyes before," she said, a bit nervously and Remus couldn't help but smirk. She slapped him lightly on the arm. "Stop that, he is good-looking, you know that as well as I do and he's done his fair share of hitting on me." That was true as well, although Remus knew for Sirius it was all in fun. He would never move in on the girl James fancied. _Unlike you_, that little voice said in his head. He forced it away and smirked again.

"Anyway," Lily continued, rolling her eyes at Remus' expression. "I was talking to him in the common room a few days ago. He asked me for help with a potions essay." Remus looked up at her sharply. Sirius didn't ask for help with homework. Sirius rarely even _did_ his homework. "Yes, that in and of itself, was rather telling. But while we were talking I really looked at him and he looks…lost is the only word I can think of to describe it and even that's not quite right." Remus nodded. He'd often seen Sirius looking off wistfully in the distance when Remus came upon him the few times he was by himself.

"What I don't understand," Lily said, "is why he's so sad. I mean, I get that he's upset about the abuse and everything, but his parents were horrible to him by all accounts. Shouldn't he be happy that he doesn't have to go back there?"

"Oh, I'm sure he's happy about that," Remus agreed. "And he loves Mr. and Mrs. Potter and they him. But the rest of it," Remus trailed off, shaking his head. "No matter how cruel they were, they were still his parents. And they didn't want him. What does that say to a child?"

"You mean, if his parents didn't think he was good enough to be loved, who else would?" Lily asked and Remus nodded.

"It's been that way ever since I met him," Remus said. "Why do you think he goes after so many girls, but never dates any of them more than a few times? Why do you think he broke things off with Mary?" Lily looked at him quizzically. "I really think he felt something for her, something more than just a snog in a broom closet. And that scared the hell out of him because the two people that were supposed to love him unconditionally didn't, so how could anyone else?"

"It's why he does what he does, the pranks and the cockiness and everything," Remus continued. "It's all an act. If he didn't have us, I think he'd fall right off the edge."

"I've come to understand that," Lily said. "That's why we're not going to tell James yet."

"Are you sure?" Remus asked her.

"Remus, he's your friend and he needs you right now, needs all of you like you said," she replied. "I may be a spoiled child, but I'm not that selfish." Remus colored a bit.

"Sorry about that," he said. "I didn't mean it."

"Yes you did," Lily said with a smirk. "But you're right. I was acting like a brat." Remus chuckled. His expression sobered when he looked at her again.

"Thank you for understanding," he said. "But if you change your mind, I want you to tell me. I can't lose you Lily."

"You won't," she said with a smile, closing the remaining distance between them. She put her arms around his waist and laid her head against his chest and sighed. He ran one hand up into her hair, the other rested on her hip and laid his cheek atop her head.

"I've missed this," he said.

"Me too," Lily replied and then tilted her head up to look at him. "But I've missed something else more." He lowered his lips to hers and began to kiss her slowly. The passion built, as it always did, and with his next coherent thought Remus realized that he had Lily pressed up against the wall, her legs wrapped around his waist. His kisses trailed from her lips to her jaw and then down her neck, one hand still locked on her hip, the other snaking its way under her jumper. Lily hissed as his hand travelled higher and Remus groaned as his hand closed over soft flesh. She ground her hips into him as he reclaimed her mouth, his thumb lightly stroking under her jumper.

"Remus," she gasped and with a growl, Remus moved back from her, letting her legs drop to the floor. She leaned back against the wall, panting and looking beautifully disheveled. "Why," she breathed. "Why did you stop?" Remus was having problems of his own, his hands braced against another section of wall, eyes closed and willing his body to obey what he was telling it.

"Because," he finally said. "I don't want it to be like this."

"Like what?" she asked.

"In a dingy classroom against the wall," he replied. "I want it to be special the first time and as much as you're going to protest, I don't think you're really ready for this. I don't think I am either." They stared at each other for a few long minutes. "You're just sixteen Lily and I'm not even that yet. I just think, I think that we should wait, for a while at least." Lily walked up and wrapped her arms around his neck.

"I love you Remus Lupin," she whispered and kissed him again. This time he kept a lid on his emotions and didn't let himself get carried away. Not that he didn't want to. Merlin, he wanted to, especially when her tongue was doing such delicious things to his, but he held back. When he pulled back from her, he smiled.

"I love you Lily Evans," he replied, pulling her back into his embrace. They stood that way for quite some time.

* * *

**25 April 1976**

The next two months had passed rather uneventfully for Remus and Lily. They continued to study together and spend time alone when they could. Sirius slowly got back to his old self, although Remus still saw that there was a bit of sadness in Sirius' eyes now and again. Remus supposed that even though Sirius had known his whole life that his parents didn't really care about him, a small bit of hope had always been there that they would change their minds. And now Sirius knew that they wouldn't. Growing up was hard sometimes.

They still hadn't told James, something neither of them could explain really. Remus mused that it might be because he and Lily had gotten so comfortable with their circumstances; neither really felt any real need to alter them. James had also stopped all the lewd and suggestive comments to Lily, at least when Remus was around. And since Lily hadn't said anything to Remus about it, he assumed James had stopped altogether. The selfish part of Remus hoped this was because James had finally realized that Lily wasn't interested and had decided to move on to someone else.

Remus and the rest of the Marauders had stayed in the castle for Easter break, but Lily had gone home, something about meeting Petunia's new boyfriend. Remus had missed her desperately. The train was due to arrive just before dinner, so Remus knew they wouldn't get any time together until after. He followed James, Sirius and Peter down to the Great Hall, Remus keeping watch for Lily the entire time.

"Moony, what are you looking for?" James finally asked, as Remus had craned his neck to try and see through the mass of students now entering the castle from the train station.

"Nothing," he said quickly. Sirius looked at him strangely as Remus tried to put on an innocent face.

"Looking for someone in particular?" Sirius asked, quirking an eyebrow.

"No, Padfoot, just watching," Remus replied with a shrug of his shoulders. Sirius smirked.

"I think our Moony might just have found himself a girl," Sirius said. Remus instantly colored than cursed in his head as all his friends' grins widened. "So, who is she Moony?"

"No one," Remus said. "There's no one."

"Come on, you can tell us," James urged his friend. "Is it that cute 4th year Hufflepuff? You know, Jacobson? Or that Ravenclaw, what's her name?"

"Meadowes," Peter supplied.

"Yeah, her," James said. "You've done patrol with her a few times, haven't you Moony?"

"Yes, but it's not her," Remus insisted. "It's not anyone. Come on, let's just get to dinner." As he said this, he caught a glimpse of red hair from the corner of his eye. Unbidden, his head turned and his eyes locked with Lily's. She gave him a smile and a tiny wave and Remus couldn't help but smile back. When Remus turned back, James and Peter were a few steps ahead of him, making their way with the crowd into the Great Hall. Sirius had hung back, however.

"Evans?" he said now, raising an eyebrow at Remus.

"What are you talking about Padfoot?" Remus asked, forcing his face to remain neutral.

"Your little reaction there to Evans," Sirius explained. Remus rolled his eyes.

"Well, we are friends," he said. "Surely you've realized that by now."

"Friends, right," Sirius said, still looking thoughtfully at Remus. Remus met Sirius' gaze, his face betraying nothing, although his heart was pounding in his chest.

"Stop being an idiot Padfoot," Remus finally said. "I'm hungry." He turned and walked into the Great Hall, Sirius following behind. As the two sat down at the table across from James and Peter, James turned to Lily who was sitting a couple of seats down from him.

"Hey Evans," James said. "Good holiday?"

"Not particularly, as a matter of fact," Lily said, her lip curled in disgust.

"Why not?" Peter questioned.

"I had to meet my sister's new oaf of a boyfriend," Lily replied, shaking her head. "He's a complete git." Remus raised an eyebrow at Lily's grumbling. She glanced at him quickly and rolled her eyes. He knew she would fill him in on the story later.

"That's too bad," James said politely. Remus' head snapped up. On any other occasion, James would have made some kind of joke about Petunia's boyfriend or some suggestive comment.

"All right, who are you and what have you done with my friend Prongs?" Remus asked and James chuckled. He shrugged.

"I dunno, just thought I'd try something new," James said with a cheeky grin. "Can't hurt, can it?"

"Guess not," Remus replied, heart sinking. So James hadn't given up on Lily after all. He turned back to his food, suddenly not very hungry anymore.

Thankfully, James' turning over of a new leaf didn't last long. Within days he was back to his old cocky, arrogant self, something which relieved Remus more than he thought it actually should.

* * *

"You know," he said to Lily a few nights later, as they sat alone cuddled on the couch in the common room. Remus had taken to waiting up after his friends had gone up to bed, claiming the approaching O.W.L.S as his reasons for needing quiet study. Lily would sneak back down from her dorm, Mary already knew about the two of them and her other two roommates were heavy sleepers, and they would sit together for a bit.

"What?" Lily asked when Remus did not continue his train of thought.

"I've been thinking," he said, idly playing with a tendril of her hair. "What if we came back to school next year as a couple? We could tell everyone that we spent time together over the summer and things just sort of happened. I mean everyone knows that we're friends, it wouldn't be too much of a stretch to think that we saw each other during the summer."

"You think this would make it easier to tell your friends?" she asked. He shrugged.

"I don't know if it would be easier, but O.W.L.S. are coming up and for all James and Sirius' pretense that they don't care about grades, I know they both want to be Aurors. To do that they need to do well on the exams," he explained. "I just don't want to be the reason James fails." Lily nodded.

"All right," she said.

"Are you sure?" Remus asked, pulling her up from where she was resting on his shoulder to look at her. "If you want to tell him now, I'll do it, I swear that I will."

"Remus," she said, putting a hand to his cheek. "It's fine. I'm rather comfortable with the way things are right now actually and coming back from the holiday as a couple seems as good a way to tell them as any." She smiled and he returned it, lowering his head to kiss her. They had just pulled away from each other, when the portrait hole opened. Lily jumped back from Remus, pulling a book from the table onto her lap and flipping it open.

Remus looked up but saw nothing, then heard the telltale swish of fabric and smelled the telltale scent of dog.

"Accio cloak," Remus muttered and James' invisibility cloak came flying toward Remus. "Padfoot," he said by way of greeting.

"Moony," Sirius replied, looking suspiciously between Remus and Lily. "Evans."

"Black," Lily returned, continuing to look at her book. Remus noticed that it was upside down and he almost visibly flinched.

"What are you two still doing up?" Sirius asked. Lily closed her book and covered it with her arms, hiding the fact that it was upside down.

"What do you think we're doing?" Lily demanded. Sirius stared at her blankly. "Revising," she said with a sigh and a roll of her eyes.

"Awfully late for that, isn't it?" he asked, crossing his arms in front of him.

"In case you'd forgotten, Black," Lily nearly spat. "We do have O.W.L.S. coming up in six weeks."

"I had forgotten Evans, thanks for the reminder," Sirius replied with a grin. "Still it is almost 1 am."

"So it is," Remus said. "Which means you are out after curfew Padfoot. Again."

"And since we're both prefects, I guess that means we have to take points," Lily continued with a smirk. "And talk to McGonagall about detention." Sirius gaped at the two of them.

"You'd take points from your own house?" he asked incredulously, ignoring the detention threat. That was nothing new and besides, he and James were trying to beat the record. "Really Moony?"

"Rules are rules, Padfoot," Remus said somberly.

"I didn't hear you saying that when you helped us turn the Slytherins' hair pink last week," Sirius retorted. Remus shrugged.

"Maybe," Lily interrupted. "If you're a good boy and head on up to bed right now, we'll reconsider." Sirius looked at her in mock offense.

"I assume you two will be following me," he said.

"Of course," Remus replied.

"Fine, then," Sirius said and grabbed the cloak back from Remus before heading to the stairs. Remus and Lily began gathering up their books and parchments. Lily leaned toward Remus once she had seen Sirius disappear, but at a quick shake of Remus' head, she pulled back. Remus wouldn't put it past Sirius to put the cloak back on and come down to spy on them. Although Remus was certain he'd be able to hear and smell him, there were charms Sirius could use to prevent that.

"Good night Lily," Remus said as they reached the stairs. "Library tomorrow after dinner?"

"I'll be there," Lily replied with a smile and the two parted, going to their respective rooms.

* * *

**15 June 1976**

Remus laughed with his friends as they left their Defense Against the Dark Arts O.W.L. They headed outside into the bright sunshine and settled down on the grass beneath a tree. James immediately brought out the snitch he'd nicked from the Quidditch shed and began showing off with it. Remus rolled his eyes and took a book from his bag. They had Transfiguration tomorrow and he wanted revise vanishing animals again. Last time he'd vanished his mouse, one whisker had remained behind.

James and Sirius, of course, would rather do anything than study after they'd just spent an entire day taking exams and Peter was too caught up in the stupid tricks James was doing.

Remus glanced to his right at Lily and her friends sitting near the water's edge with their feet in the lake. She had pulled her robes up to her knees and the sunlight was glinting off her red hair. When she threw back her head and laughed at something Mary said, Remus' mouth went dry. Just two more weeks, a fortnight, and they would be home on summer holiday. Then whenever Remus was with her, he wouldn't have to pretend. He could hold her hand or kiss her and not worry about who saw.

The two of them had made plans to spend as much time together as possible. Remus knew his parents would let him take the Knight Bus whenever he wanted to and while it wasn't Remus' favorite mode of transportation, if it meant he got to see Lily, he'd do it. He could also always floo to the Leaky Cauldron and take a muggle train or bus to Lily's as well. His mother had promised to practice side-along apparition so maybe Remus wouldn't have to take the bus at all. And next year when they came back to school, everyone would know they were a couple.

"Snivellus," Remus heard Sirius whisper and his attention returned to his friends. Snape was standing a few feet away. Remus frowned but he didn't say anything, just glanced back toward Lily who didn't seem to have noticed. She and Snape had not been near as close as they once were and Snape was rarely around anymore that Remus noticed. But Remus didn't think that Lily would take too kindly to Sirius and James hexing Snape in the middle of the grounds in front of everyone. Remus knew he should say something when Sirius disarmed the Slytherin and James cast impedimenta on him, but he didn't.

When they washed his mouth out with pink bubbles, however, Remus stood, intending on telling his friends to stop before things went too far. Lily beat him to it. He couldn't help it, he swelled with pride when she told James and Sirius off and tried to defend Snape. He didn't even get too angry when James asked her out for what had to be the thousandth time, although he warily took a step forward when Lily pulled her wand on his two friends. Lily could hold her own, that much he knew and he very much doubted if James or Sirius would throw any serious spells her way, if any at all. But his heart still thudded loudly in his ears at the implied threat. So loudly that he almost didn't hear what Snape said. Almost.

When Snape called Lily a mudblood, the rage roared in Remus' brain. He was only two days from the full moon and it took more effort than he had ever expended before to keep from charging Snape at that very moment. When Lily stalked off after reaming James one more time, Remus couldn't help but follow. He ignored James pulling Snape into the air once again and tried to catch up with Lily, not even thinking about how it would look to anyone else.

* * *

He found her in a classroom on the first floor, throwing hexes at the stone walls. He called her name after he had sealed and silenced the door, not wanting to startle her and find himself at the business end of her wand. She still whirled, her eyes sparking with anger, but Remus, knowing her as he did, could see something else underneath. One look at him and she broke, the tears starting and her wand falling limply to her side. Remus had crossed the room in three strides and gathered her into his arms. The wolf was howling and pushing against Remus to take revenge on the one who had harmed her, but he shoved it back down with extreme effort, wanting to hex Snape into oblivion quite a bit himself. Lily had finally quieted and he tipped her chin up so she was looking at him.

"Don't listen to a word that greasy git says," Remus said. She snorted a bit at his description of Snape, then frowned again.

"I don't know why I'm so upset about what he has to say," she said, pulling away from Remus and turning her back on him. "It's not like we've been close this year and I know that his friends all want to be Death Eaters."

"He was still your friend once," Remus said quietly. Lily nodded.

"I asked him once, before we came to Hogwarts, if it mattered that I was a muggle-born and do you know what he said?" she asked, turning to face Remus again. Remus shook his head. "He said no, it didn't matter at all." A strangled laugh escaped her. "How things change." Remus pulled her back into his arms, kissing her temple. Her softness and warmth soothed and calmed him more than anything else could. It was only the feel of her against him that kept Remus from going after Snape and ripping off his arms. The more he thought about it though, the angrier he got and soon even Lily wasn't enough balm to his rage.

"You're shaking," Lily said in confusion after a few minutes, pulling back to look up at him. His jaw was clenched in anger and there was a vein in his temple that was throbbing. "Remus?" Remus pulled in a breath and then another, trying to keep himself from exploding. He pulled himself away from Lily and took a few steps back. He clenched his fists and tried to force the image from his mind, but all he saw was Snape's greasy face spitting out the word 'mudblood' and Lily's tears just minutes ago.

"I want to hurt him," Remus managed through clenched teeth. "I want to beat him to a bloody pulp for what he said." Lily watched him apprehensively, her eyes darting unconsciously between him and the door. Remus could see that she was nervous, perhaps even scared, and he tried to pull himself together. "Lily, you've got to get out of here," he finally said. "I'm going to lose control." But Lily didn't move.

Remus was scared now. He remembered what it had been like when he was a little boy, before he figured out how to control the wolfish tendencies that came out a few days before every moon and stayed around a day or two after. He had thrown a pot at his mother once when he had gotten angry over a punishment. His father had quickly deflected it wandlessly, but not enough. The handle of it had still hit her forehead and caused a small gash. Remus had felt guilty about that for months. The last thing he wanted to do was hurt Lily. But Lily wasn't listening to him.

Instead of leaving, she was walking towards him slowly, her hands out in a gesture of supplication. She was still holding her wand, but quickly set it down on a desk once she saw Remus looking at it.

"It's all right Remus," she said soothingly. "Just take a deep breath and focus on me. You don't want to hurt me, I know that you don't." Remus' breaths were coming quickly through his nose. His eyes were darting round the room as he searched for any other threats besides the woman in front of him. Lily had nearly reached him, she was only a few feet away. Remus took a quick step back. Lily stopped and held up her hands once more. Remus growled in warning. He shook his head, trying to clear the murderous thoughts that had invaded it, trying to pull in his breath more slowly, but his vision was slowly turning red. He moved quickly to the side and picked up a bench, flinging it against the wall with a yell. Lily flinched.

Remus leaned his hands against the desk in front of him, pulling in a deep breath. He let it out slowly and pulled in another. She had to leave, he needed her to leave.

"Lily, go, please," he managed, his hands tightening around the sides of the desk. He'd throw it next, he knew he would, especially if she didn't go.

"Remus let me help you," she said pleadingly. "I know that I can." Remus' nostrils flared. He could smell her fear and while the rational part of his mind realized it was fear for him and not fear for herself, the irrational part, which was taking over more and more control, only smelled fear. He looked up and stalked toward Lily. Remarkably, she held her ground and even smiled at him. 'Run,' Remus was screaming at her in his mind, but Moony just gave her a feral grin.

He gripped her upper arms and pushed her back against the wall. He claimed her lips, but this was nothing like their normal kisses. This was harsh and brutal. She reared back from him and hit her head on the stone wall, causing her to cry out. The cry of pain was like a whip to Remus' brain and with one last almighty roar, he shoved the wolf down and locked him in place. Lily's head hitting the stone forced her to lean forward and knock Remus' forehead with her own. His head still throbbing with the effort of getting rid of the wolf, he bit down against the pain. Somewhat surprised that he didn't feel anything from the bite, but unable to process that amidst the pounding in his head, he pulled away from Lily and sunk to his knees, his head in his hands.

When he managed to get his breath back, he looked up at Lily. Her face was tear-stained and her lower lip bleeding and swelling. He leapt to his feet, horrified, instantly moving toward her, but she flinched away from him.

"Lily," he whispered. "Oh Merlin, Lily." Tears sprang to his eyes and he moved towards her again, slowly this time. She stood still, watching him warily until he reached her. He raised a hand and rested it on her cheek. She allowed the touch and most of the fear left her eyes. He gently ran his thumb along her swollen and bloody lip and she hissed in pain.

"I'm so sorry," he said, shaking his head. "What have I done?" He dropped his hand and stepped away from her, hiding his face in his hands.

"Remus," she said tentatively and he shook his head again, refusing to look at her. He had hurt her because he'd let his anger get the best of him and let the wolf take over. "Remus," she repeated and Remus looked up to see her standing directly in front of him.

"You've got to get to the hospital wing," he said. "Madame Pomfrey needs to look at that. Sweet Merlin, it's so close to the moon, what if I infected you? We have to go, now!" He pulled on her arm, but she didn't budge.

"No," she protested. "No, I don't want you to get in trouble."

"Lily, I _hurt_ you!" he exclaimed. "I hope I get expelled. I wouldn't deserve any less."

"No, Remus, it was my fault," she insisted. Remus looked at her incredulously. "You told me to leave, insisted on it and I didn't. If I'd listened this wouldn't have happened. Besides you didn't bite me on purpose. My lip just happened to be in the way after I knocked you on the forehead."

"Oh god, your head, let me see," he insisted. He turned her around and gently began to feel the back of her head. There didn't seem to be any blood, thank Merlin, but there was a nice sized bump forming. "Lily you need to get looked at." She shook her head again, stubbornly, but the motion seemed to make her woozy and she stumbled a bit.

"That's it," he said and without even asking her, he swung her up into his arms and hurried toward the hospital wing.

* * *

Madame Pomfrey was puttering around the infirmary when they arrived, looking as if she was beginning to pack some things up for the summer.

"Mr. Lupin?" she said in question and Remus strode in with Lily in his arms. Thankfully, they had met no one but a pair of first-years on their way. It seemed that almost all the students were out enjoying the nice weather.

"Lily's hurt," he said, laying Lily gently down on the bed.

"How did this happen?" Madame Pomfrey asked briskly as she began to run a diagnostic over the weakly protesting Lily.

"I did it," Remus said shamefully.

"No, Remus," Lily said at the same time Madame Pomfrey's eyes widened.

"Mr. Lupin?" she said again, clearly shocked by his admission. Remus sighed and looked the matron in the eye.

"I was angry about something that happened earlier, something that someone said to Lily," Remus began. "I let my emotions get the better of me and I pushed Lily against the wall. She hit the back of her head and then came forward and banged her forehead into mine. That's when I bit her lip."

"Remus," Lily protested, but Remus ignored her. Madame Pomfrey pulled him aside, out of Lily's hearing.

"You do realize, Mr. Lupin, how close you are to the full moon," the mediwitch said and Remus nodded. "And you are quite sure that what you have told me is exactly how the incident occurred?" Remus nodded again and Madame Pomfrey sighed. "I will have to speak to the Headmaster."

"Yes ma'am," Remus said quietly. Madame Pomfrey looked at him sadly and then turned back to Lily's bed.

"All right Miss Evans, let's have a look at your head." Remus sat down on a bed across the ward from Lily's and watched. Lily had continued to protest until Madame Pomfrey threatened to silence her. Lily had remained quiet after that, but Remus could feel her eyes on him, every chance she got. When the matron had finally finished and given Lily a pain potion, Remus approached the bed.

"Remus," Lily said, tears pricking her eyes. "Why did you say that? You know that's not how it happened." He said nothing, just looked at her sadly. "I'm not going to let you take the entire blame for this."

"Why? It is my fault," he said.

"No, it's not," she replied vehemently. "I should have gone." Remus said nothing, just looked down at the floor. He'd known that he never deserved Lily in the first place. He never should have allowed himself to feel anything for her. He would only put her in danger for the rest of their lives. He'd been stupid, he could see that now. He wouldn't make the same mistake again.

His thoughts were interrupted by Professor Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall entering the hospital wing. Professor McGonagall's mouth was in the thinnest line Remus had ever seen and the headmaster's eyes held none of their usual twinkle.

"Professors," Remus said before either of them could speak. "I want you to know that while I completely regret everything that happened to Lily, I intend to accept whatever consequences you deem appropriate without question."

"Remus, no!" Lily cried, struggling to get out of her bed.

"Miss Evans," Professor McGonagall admonished, gently pushing Lily back into the pillows. Madame Pomfrey hurried from her office.

"If I need to restrain you to the bed, I will do it Miss Evans," the mediwitch said warningly. Lily sighed and buried her face in her hands.

"Minerva," Professor Dumbledore said. "Perhaps you could speak to Miss Evans about the events and I will talk with Mr. Lupin." Professor McGonagall nodded.

"Of course Albus," she said, sitting down on the edge of Lily's bed. Madame Pomfrey conjured screens around them, abruptly cutting off all sound from within. Remus realized the screens must have been charmed with privacy spells.

"Come my boy," the headmaster said, ushering Remus toward the back of the ward. He conjured two chairs, one a fluffy, chintz armchair and the other a straight-backed wooden one. Remus had no doubt as to which one he was to sit in.

"Now, if you could relay to me what happened this afternoon," Dumbledore said gravely as they sat down.

"It's just as I told Madame Pomfrey," Remus replied. "I was upset that at something someone had said to Lily. With the moon so close, I let my emotions get the best of me and I got very angry. I pushed Lily up against a wall and she hit the back of her head. When she came forward, we bumped foreheads and then I bit her lip." He looked the old wizard in the eye, almost daring him to try and contradict what Remus had said.

"You say that you were upset about something that someone said to Miss Evans," Dumbledore began. "Would you like to share with me just what that something was and who said it?"

"Not particularly sir," Remus replied respectfully. "It wouldn't change the outcome of what happened."

"Perhaps not, Mr. Lupin," the headmaster said calmly. "However, I feel that there is more to this story than you are telling."

"I kissed her first," Remus admitted. "Before she hit her head on the wall."

"I see," Dumbledore said. "And was this kiss against her will?" Remus sat in silence. He wasn't exactly sure what the answer to that was. "Mr. Lupin?" Dumbledore prodded.

"I don't really know sir," Remus admitted. He took a deep breath and met the headmaster's eyes. "I've kissed Lily many times before with her permission. I'm sure that she would have given it this time as well, but I didn't wait for that."

"Am I correct in my assumption that you and Miss Evans are in a relationship of a romantic nature and have been for some time?" Dumbledore asked and Remus could have sworn that he saw a twinkle in the old man's eye for a split-second before it disappeared.

"Yes, sir," Remus answered.

"And am I also correct in assuming that you do not ask for permission every single time you desire to kiss Miss Evans?" Dumbledore continued, smirk playing about his lips.

"Yes, sir," Remus replied, face coloring.

"And this does not seem to bother her?" the headmaster asked.

"No, sir," Remus nearly whispered, face reddening even further.

"Well then, I think we can safely conclude that tacit permission was given today as well," Dumbledore said, actually smiling this time.

"It still doesn't change what I did," Remus said.

"Let me ask you something Mr. Lupin," the headmaster said, his voice grave once more. "Did you intend to hit Miss Evans' head against the wall?"

"No sir, but," Remus began to protest, but Dumbledore held up a hand.

"And when the two of you bumped foreheads, was it your intention to bite Miss Evans?" he continued.

"No sir," Remus replied. "I actually thought I was going to bite my own lip. I didn't realize how close she still was to me."

"It seems to me then, that everything that happened, while unfortunate, was nothing more than an accident," Dumbledore concluded.

"Sir, I was out of control," Remus said quietly.

"How do you mean, my boy?" Dumbledore asked.

"I was so angry, the wolf started to take over," Remus explained. "Normally, I can push him back down, but seeing Lily so upset, it got harder and harder to keep him under control. When I knew that he was going to take over, I told Lily to get away, but she wouldn't go. When I pushed her up against the wall, that wasn't me. It was the wolf and he wasn't…kind, or gentle." Dumbledore sat in silence for a moment, his fingers steepled under his chin.

"Are you aware, Mr. Lupin, that there is suspicion that wolves mate for life?" Dumbledore asked and Remus looking at him in confusion. "I do realize that you are not an actual wolf, but a werewolf, however, study of werewolves has shown many similarities to the wolf. Pack behavior, for instance, howling to communicate with others of your kind for another. It does not seem so inconceivable that you would have other characteristics in common as well."

"I'm sorry, Professor, but I'm not sure I understand," Remus finally said.

"If werewolves are similar to wolves in this regard then the wolf would perhaps consider Miss Evans to be your mate," Dumbledore explained, causing Remus to redden again. "In that case, the anger you felt was most likely the wolf's wish to protect and avenge any slight done to her."

"Even if that were true, sir, I still should not have lost control like that," Remus said. "And if Lily is my…mate, why would I have wanted to hurt her."

"I do not believe that you did," the headmaster said. "I have the feeling it was more about the wolf claiming her as his." Remus blanched. Besides the fact that he was sitting here having a conversation with his headmaster about Lily being his mate, which was completely disturbing in and of itself, he couldn't actually believe that was what the wolf had wanted. And if it were, well, then Remus needed to get as far away from Lily as he could.

Before he could say anything, the screens around Lily's bed moved and Professor McGonagall rose from her bed. She approached Remus and Professor Dumbledore, neutral expression on her face.

"Mr. Lupin, if you could excuse us please," his head of house said and Remus nodded, moving back towards Lily's bed.

"Remus," she said, reaching out a hand to him. He took it and squeezed her hand briefly before letting go and setting it gently on her bed. "I told Professor McGonagall the truth. So I'm sure that nothing will happen."

"It doesn't matter, Lily," Remus said.

"What do you mean?" she asked. Remus looked down at her and knew this wasn't the time to say anything. She'd been through too much today and she was hurt because of him. Besides, they still had their Transfiguration exam and he didn't want to upset her before that. Today, he'd comfort her and tomorrow he would tell her that they could no longer be together.

"Nothing, forget it," he said. "I'm just rambling." She smiled and pulled on his hand and he sat down on the edge of her bed. He looked at her and realized that her lip was far less swollen than it had been.

"Madame Pomfrey says I can leave by dinner," Lily said.

"That's good," he replied.

"And I was thinking about what you said about waiting until next year to tell everyone about us, but maybe we could just do it after exams are over," she said, looking at him nervously. Remus said nothing. "I mean there's less than two weeks of school left anyway and this way, James can have the whole summer to get used to the idea."

"We'll talk about it later, okay?" Remus finally said.

"All right," Lily agreed with a smile. Before she could say anything else, the two professors approached her bed.

"Mr. Lupin, Miss Evans," Dumbledore began. "We have discussed what you each told us and it seems that your stories are nearly identical, save for the amount of blame you each place on yourselves and the other." His eyes were twinkling madly now. "As such, Professor McGonagall and I have decided that this entire situation is nothing more than a regrettable accident and therefore, no punishment is needed. However, I do ask that both of you remember that you are prefects and request that you set a good example to the rest of our students."

"Meaning, no snogging in broom cupboards," Professor McGonagall finished severely and both Remus and Lily blushed.

"Yes, Professor," Lily said.

"Yes, ma'am," Remus echoed. Professor McGonagall nodded sharply and then walked out of the hospital wing. Dumbledore leaned closer to the pair on the bed.

"You'll notice she said nothing about empty classrooms," he whispered with a wink, before standing and leaving as well. Lily and Remus looked at each other gobsmacked, until Lily broke into peals of laughter. Remus tried to join in, but only managed a smile as his heart broke a bit further with the notion that he wouldn't be hearing that beautiful laughter again for quite some time.

* * *

**16 June 1976**

Remus breathed a sigh of relief that their final exam was over. His mates had gone on ahead, Sirius and James deciding to go for a fly around the Quidditch pitch and Peter tagging along as always. Remus was on his own, walking back to the common room. His relief was short-lived, however, when he saw Lily's smiling face approaching him. He was going to have to tell her now, he was going to have to hurt her.

He was a bit worried, given his reaction to her the day before, especially since the full moon was tomorrow. Although anger was what usually set the wolf off and he didn't expect to be angry in any way, shape or form. Quite the opposite actually.

"Remus," Lily said with a smile when she finally reached him.

"Hi, Lily," he said quietly.

"What's the matter?" she immediately asked, her brow furrowing in concern. "Are you worried about the exam?"

"No," Remus replied with a shake of his head. "It's just, I need to talk to you."

"All right," she agreed and Remus led her to the empty Arithmancy classroom. Once inside, he turned his back on Lily and took a few deep breaths.

"Remus, what's going on?" she asked.

"What happened yesterday," he began without turning around, but Lily interrupted him.

"If you're going to apologize again, just stop," she said. "I've already told you that it wasn't your fault and I know that I should have left when you told me to." She put a hand on his arm and he sighed.

"Lily," he said turning around. "What happened yesterday could happen again, only next time I might not be able to keep myself under control for as long as I did. What if I lash out at you unexpectedly? For a minute there, I didn't even know who you were. I just registered you as a threat."

"You were angry yesterday about what Severus said," Lily said, trying to calm him. "And me getting upset about it didn't help matters any. I know now that you're more sensitive right around the moon and I'll just have to remember that."

"Lily, that's ridiculous," Remus protested. "I don't expect you to hide your feelings about something because you're worried about making me angry. That's no way to have a relationship."

"It's only a couple of days a month," she said shrugging. "It's not that big of a deal."

"Yes, it is," Remus said vehemently. He turned away from her abruptly and began pulling in long breaths through his nose, letting them out through his mouth and forcing himself to calm. So much for not worrying about being angry, he thought derisively.

"I'm sorry," she said and he hung his head.

"This is what I'm talking about," Remus said quietly. "You haven't even done anything wrong and you're apologizing to me. You have every right to feel the way you do and we should be able to discuss things like this whenever one of us feels the need, not just when I'm not close to transforming." He turned back to face her. "Lily, this isn't going to work."

"Don't say that," Lily insisted, taking his hands in hers. "We can figure this out Remus, I know that we can." He shook his head sadly.

"But you shouldn't have to," he said. "You should be able to be yourself all the time. You shouldn't have to worry about saying or doing the wrong thing. And I don't want you to, it's not fair to you."

"What's not fair to me is making this decision without asking me," she said.

"If it keeps you safe, then it's worth it," Remus replied, letting go of her hands.

"Remus, don't do this," Lily said. "I love you."

"It's because I love you the way that I do that I have to do this," Remus maintained. "I can't stand the thought that I might hurt you, intentionally or otherwise."

"Does this have something to do with Potter?" Lily demanded. "It is because I asked you to tell him before term was over?"

"No Lily, this has absolutely nothing to do with James," Remus said with a sigh. He stepped forward and leaned down and kissed her forehead. Her eyes closed and he could see a tear leaking from the corner of one. He forced himself to step away from her.

"Good-bye Lily," he whispered. "I'm sorry." He left the room and as he closed the door behind him he heard the heaving of a sob. Swallowing thickly and trying unsuccessfully to hold back tears of his own, Remus walked as quickly as he could from the classroom. He knew if he stayed he would lose all his resolve. He never could stand to see Lily cry.

He reached the common room and headed for the stairs to his dorm. Mary was coming down the girls' side.

"I've been looking for you," she said. "Have you seen Lily?"

"Yes," Remus answered tightly, looking down at the floor so as not to let Mary see the tears on his cheeks. "You should probably go to her, she'll need you. She's in the Arithmancy classroom." And then he hurried up the stairs leaving a stunned Mary in his wake.

* * *

"Moony?" Remus heard, but he ignored it and buried his face further into his pillow. "Moony," Sirius said again, shaking the bed hangings. "Come on it's time for dinner. What are you doing in bed?" With the last, Sirius wrenched open the curtain and stared down at Remus.

"I'm not going to dinner," Remus said, his voice muffled by his pillow. "Not hungry."

"Are you all right?" Sirius asked in concern.

"Just tired," Remus said. "Must be all the late nights recently, plus the moon coming up tomorrow." Sirius sat down on the edge of Remus' bed.

"That's a load of dung," Sirius finally said. "Is this about Evans?" Remus couldn't help it, his body stiffened at Sirius' question. "Thought so," Sirius said quietly. Remus turned his face so he was looking at his friend.

"What are you talking about?" he said evenly.

"As stupid as you think I am, Moony, I'm not completely oblivious," Sirius replied dryly. "I've seen the way you look at her and I've seen the way she looks back at you." Remus lay in silence. "How long?" Sirius asked.

"How long what?" Remus replied calmly, not wanting to give Sirius any information he didn't already have.

"How long have you been snogging Evans?" Sirius asked flatly.

"First of all, her name is Lily and second of all, I don't know what you're talking about," Remus answered.

"Don't bullshit me Remus," Sirius said, sounding a bit irritated. Remus sighed.

"I really don't want to talk about this Padfoot," he said. "And anyway, it doesn't matter anymore."

"How long Remus?" Sirius repeated, angrier now. Remus sighed again.

"Since last summer," he said quietly. Sirius turned and gaped at him.

"Last summer?" he asked incredulously. Remus nodded.

"I went to visit her and it just sort of, happened," Remus said lamely.

"And you bloody kept it from us the entire year?" Sirius said.

"I intended to tell you, many times, something just always came up that stopped me," Remus shrugged. "And like I said, it doesn't matter anymore anyway."

"Why not?" Sirius asked. Remus proceeded to explain to Sirius what had happened the previous day and why it had driven him to break things off with Lily. The two friends sat in silence for a few moments. "You're in love with her?" Sirius asked quietly and Remus could only nod. The quiet descended again.

"Do you think that was the best idea then?" Sirius finally said and Remus looked up at him in confusion. "I mean if you're in love with her and all."

"What about James?" Remus asked.

"What about him?" Sirius replied.

"You were the one that told me that if I went after Lily, I'd lose James," Remus retorted.

"That was before I knew you were in love with her," Sirius said simply. "Look Moony, you know what mindset I operate from with girls. Have a good time for a little while, then move on to someone else. I'm not the best judge of how actual relationships should go. I've never let myself feel that for anyone." Remus almost said something about Mary, but decided not to for the moment. "If he knows that you love her, Prongs will come round." Remus shook his head.

"He loves her too," he said and Sirius' eyes narrowed.

"Are you sure?" he asked.

"Trust me Padfoot, I know what it looks like," Remus said with a snort.

"Huh," Sirius said, looking across the room thoughtfully.

"Besides, I told you what happened yesterday," Remus continued quietly. "I can't risk anything like that ever happening again. I could have really hurt her. I won't put her in danger like that again."

"Don't be stupid Moony," Sirius said, shaking his head.

"Sirius," Remus said warningly, but Sirius interrupted him.

"I mean it Moony, how often in a lifetime does love like that come along? Don't cock it up just because you're scared."

"So you'd have me seriously injure or maybe even kill Lily instead?" Remus demanded.

"You haven't killed any of us yet and we've lived with you for five years," Sirius replied. "Not to mention run around with you at the full moon for the last eight months."

"That's completely different and you know it," Remus retorted.

"So, we'll teach Lily to become an animagus or that crazy shield spell they showed us in Defense a couple weeks ago, the one that feels like a brick wall if you run into it," Sirius said with a shrug of his shoulders. "There are solutions if we just think about them."

"That's just the point Sirius," Remus exclaimed. "We shouldn't have to think about solutions. Lily should be able to be safe around me and if she's not, then I don't deserve her."

"You're a real hypocrite, you know that," Sirius said. "You tell me all the time how I shouldn't be ashamed of my name because I'm nothing like the rest of my family. How I deserve to be happy and get respect from people because I'm my own man. But yet you can't say the same about yourself."

"Because being a werewolf is who I am," Remus snapped. "It won't go away or change or be different, no matter how I act or what I do. I'll always be a monster."

"Damn it Remus," Sirius began, but Remus held up a hand.

"I'm done talking about this Padfoot. You're not going to change my mind," he said, then turned on his side, so his back was to his friend. "Tell Prongs and Wormtail that I'm tired and I'm not hungry."

"Remus," Sirius protested.

"I mean it Sirius," Remus said angrily. Sirius sighed and Remus felt the bed shift as he stood.

"I still think you're an idiot Moony," Sirius said quietly.

"Noted," Remus responded. "And don't say anything to Prongs."

"Fine," Sirius said tightly. Remus stayed still until he heard the door to the dorm open and close. Then he flung himself on his back and stared up at the canopy of his bed. Sirius would keep his secret, of that he was sure. But that little voice inside his head was back, agreeing with everything Sirius had said. Remus drifted off, dreams of Lily invading his sleep for quite some time.


	5. Tragedy

**A/N - Hello all. Just a warning, sad, angsty chapter ahead. Thanks to DerangedDynamic for the first review on this story and thanks to the rest of you for reading! **

**Chapter 5**

**Tragedy**

**16 June 1976 - Fifth Year**

"Remus," a voice whispered and Remus started awake, eyes instantly searching for the source of the sound. His nose was telling him who exactly it was, but that was impossible. "Remus," came the whisper again, accompanied by a soft shaking of his shoulder.

"Lily?" Remus said propping himself up on his elbows in his bed.

"Lumos," he heard and Lily's wand tip lit up, showing her face in shadow.

"What the bloody hell are you doing in here?" he hissed, looking around to see if his roommates were there.

"It's all right," she assured him. "I closed the hangings and put a silencing charm around your bed." She climbed up and sat next to him, tucking her legs up underneath her and forcing him to scoot over to make room.

"What are you doing here?" he asked again. "And put your wand out, they might see."

"Nox," Lily said, plunging them into darkness once again. "I came because I wanted to talk to you."

"There's nothing else to talk about," Remus said quietly. "You shouldn't be here."

"Remus, I'm not going to let you throw away what we have because of one incident," Lily insisted.

"It was more than an 'incident'," Remus retorted. "I could have really hurt you. Or worse."

"But you didn't," Lily said. "You managed to get yourself under control and then you took care of me. And if anything like that ever happens again I swear I'll listen to you when you tell me to go."

"Nothing like that _will_ ever happen again because we won't ever be in that situation again," Remus replied.

"Remus," Lily protested.

"Please Lily, don't make this any harder than it already is," Remus pleaded.

"It doesn't have to be hard Remus," Lily said and Remus could tell she was moving closer to him. "It shouldn't be hard. I love you and you love me and that's all that should matter." Before Remus could say anything, her lips were on his. He froze for a few seconds before he lost all will-power and his lips began to move with hers. Groaning in defeat, he sat up and pulled her closer to him, deepening the kiss. When he felt Lily's hand creep beneath his t-shirt, he pulled back abruptly.

"No, Lily, no," he said, grabbing her hand and pushing her away from him. "Stop, we can't do this."

"Why not?" Lily asked, sounding very much like a petulant child.

"Because I'm not going to change my mind about what I told you earlier today," he said. "No matter how many times you kiss me."

"You think…you think I came in here to, to, seduce you or something?" she spluttered out.

"Didn't you?" Remus asked evenly.

"No!" Lily exclaimed. "I came in here to talk to you, to make you try and see sense. I can't believe you'd think that of me." Remus heard a quiet sniffle and he sighed.

"Lily, I'm sorry," he said. "I just, I mean you did come into my room in the middle of the night."

"Well you've been up here all day, you didn't come to dinner and I couldn't very well ask one of your mates to ask you to come and talk to me without it being suspicious," she said tremulously. "What else was I supposed to do?"

"I'm sorry," he said again, groping for her in the dark. He found her arm and pulled her towards him, wrapping her in a hug. She rested her head against his chest.

"I meant what I said Remus," she said after a few moments. "I'm not going to give you up without a fight."

"Lily," he said warningly. She pulled away from him and took his face in her hands.

"Tell me you don't love me," she said. "Tell me that you don't love me and I'll leave and accept what you said today."

"You know I can't tell you that," Remus protested. "It's because I love you that I have to let you go. If anything happened to you, especially if I was the cause of it, I would never, ever forgive myself."

"Then we'll just have to make sure that nothing does," Lily replied simply. Remus sighed and shook his head.

"You sound like Sirius," he said without thinking.

"Sorry?" she replied in confusion.

"Oh, erm, Sirius knows," he said and Lily gasped.

"How?" she asked.

"He guessed mostly," Remus responded. "I just confirmed a few things."

"Is he upset?" Lily questioned and Remus could see her worrying her bottom lip between her teeth.

"No, surprisingly," Remus answered.

"Is he going to tell James?" she asked.

"I don't think so," Remus said. "Sirius knows we're not together anymore."

"We could be," Lily said simply. "And if Sirius already knows, it would be so much simpler to tell James." They sat in silence for quite a few minutes. Remus thought about what Sirius had suggested, about Lily becoming an animagus. It would solve the problem, if she could transform in an instant and it would probably be enough to pull Remus from his rage as her cry of pain had yesterday. And he could talk to one of the mind-healers his parents had brought him to as a child, to study meditation and controlling his anger, so he had a better handle on it before and after the moon. Sirius and Lily were right, there were things they could do. And Remus _had_ managed to get himself under control when it mattered the most. He felt himself wavering.

"Remus?" Lily said after the silence had gone on too long.

"I don't know Lily," he finally admitted. "My heart is screaming at me to say yes, but my head has an altogether different view."

"I vote for heart then," Lily quipped and Remus chuckled. She moved back towards him until she was sitting on his lap. "Please Remus. I love you." There they were, those three words that undid him every time. He groaned and leaned his forehead against hers.

"It's so much easier to keep up my resolve when you're not so close to me," he said and she giggled. There was another long pause. "I can't make you any promises Lily," he said. "I'm still terrified by what happened yesterday." He wrapped an arm around her waist and squeezed. She kissed his cheek and ran her fingers through the hair at the nape of his neck. "But sweet Merlin, I love you so much." Lily rested her head on his shoulder. Neither of them said anything else, not wanting to spoil their tenuous reconciliation.

Remus ran a hand up and down her back and Lily continued to idly play with his hair. Soon, he felt her shift and then she was kissing his neck and his jaw, moving ever closer to his lips. His arms tightened around her and when she reached his mouth, he nearly devoured her. Her hands moved up under his shirt again and his skin felt like it was on fire wherever she touched him. His hands seemed to move of their own accord and as they travelled up her back under her pajama top he realized she was truly bare underneath the flimsy garment. He groaned again and crushed his lips to hers once more, his hands moving around her sides to cup her breasts.

She gasped and squeezed his shoulders under his shirt, trying to move even closer to him, now straddling his lap. Remus pulled away from her sucking in a breath and flipped them so she was lying on his bed beneath him. He stayed on all fours straddling her body and looking down at her, his body commanding him to do something that his brain didn't think was all that good of an idea, silencing charm or no.

"Lily," he panted. "We can't, not here, not now." She made a noise of protest and grabbed him around the neck, pulling him down on top of her. She kissed him again and soon they were nothing more than hands and lips everywhere.

"I don't want to stop," she said. "I want this, I want you." Remus stared at her for a few seconds and then rolled to the side so they were both on their backs. Lily shifted to her side, propped up on her elbow. "Remus?"

"I can't do this," he said. "I want to. Merlin do I want to, but I can't."

"Why not?" she asked.

"Because," he said, propping himself up on his own elbow and running a finger down her cheek. "I won't take advantage of you this way when I haven't even given you a guarantee about us yet."

"I don't want a guarantee," Lily protested, but Remus held up a hand.

"If we did this and then tomorrow I decided that I was right about leaving you, how would you feel?" he asked. She shrugged. "Lily," he admonished.

"Fine," she huffed. "I guess I'd feel a bit, used."

"If I know you, and I like to think that I do, it would be more than a bit," Remus said with a grin. She rolled her eyes. "I'm not like Sirius," he continued. "I don't just want a meaningless shag."

"It wouldn't be meaningless," she said quietly.

"No, you're right it wouldn't," he agreed. "But I won't take that from you until I think we're both really ready for it. And I have some thinking to do before I am." She nodded.

"Can I stay a little bit longer?" she asked. "I promise not to try and seduce you." He chuckled a bit and pulled her to him, kissing the top of her head. He lay back on the bed and she snuggled into his side, her head on his chest. He began to rub her arm and she sighed in contentment.

"Don't fall asleep," he warned. "We don't want to be caught like this."

"I know," Lily said and he thought he felt her yawn. He knew that he should get her back to her own dorm, but he was quite comfortable and he loved the feeling of her warmth against his side. His eyelids began to droop and before he could stop himself he was snoring lightly. Lily smiled in her sleep, snuggling closer to him and his arm tightened around her.

* * *

Something was shaking him and hissing in his ear. Remus brought up a hand and swatted at it, but the hissing just got louder.

"Wake up," the hissing voice said.

"Padfoot?" Remus said with a yawn, blinking his eyes sleepily.

"What the ever-living hell, Moony?" Sirius asked, but there was amusement on his face.

"Hm?" Remus said, shifting a little. When he did, he realized there was a weight on his arm. Puzzled, Remus looked to his left and his eyes widened. "Shit." Sirius snorted.

"What time is it?" Remus asked. "Is everyone already up?"

"No, lucky for you, I'm just getting in. It's just 5." Sirius said. "And I thought it rather odd that there was absolutely no sound coming from your bed whatsoever, seeing as how you snore and all."

"I do not snore," Remus objected.

"Yes, you do," a quiet voice from beside him said. Remus looked at Lily who had a grin on her face, although her eyes were still closed. Remus huffed in annoyance as Sirius chuckled.

"I'll leave you to it then," Sirius said with a smirk and dropped the open curtain of the bed.

"Good morning," Lily said with a smile.

"Morning," Remus returned brushing a stray lock of hair off her forehead. "As much as I'd like you to stay exactly where you are, looking exactly as you do, you'd better go before anyone else wakes up."

"And how exactly do I look, Mr. Lupin?" Lily asked cheekily and Remus had to swallow, hard.

"Um, never mind that," he said, clearing his throat. She laughed and pulled herself up on an elbow to kiss him. When she pulled back, she had a wide grin on her face. He rolled his eyes.

"What are you doing today?" she asked. He shrugged.

"Probably not much," he said. "Full moon and all."

"Right," Lily replied. "I will see you later though?"

"Yes," he said, tapping her lightly on the nose. She grinned. He rose from the bed, pushing aside the hangings and holding a hand out to help her up. When she stood, she reached up on tiptoe and kissed him once again. He lost himself in the kiss for a few moments before a throat clearing brought him back to reality. Remus looked over to see Sirius waggling his eyebrows. Remus made a rude hand gesture.

"Bye," Lily whispered, then left the dorm with a wave. Remus sighed as he stood in the doorway and watched her.

"You've got it bad Moony," Sirius whispered when Remus headed back to his bed.

"Shut it Padfoot," he retorted, then pulled his curtains shut and rolled over clutching his pillow, which still smelled of Lily, in his arms.

* * *

**17 June 1976**

Remus was sitting up in his bed in the hospital wing, arguing with Madame Pomfrey.

"But I feel fine," he insisted.

"Be that as it may Mr. Lupin, that was quite a nasty gash you had on your arm," the mediwitch replied.

"But you've healed it," Remus pointed out. "It's fine now."

"Still, I need to watch it for infection," Madame Pomfrey said.

"Please, Madame Pomfrey," Remus begged. "Term's almost over, I want to spend time with my friends before summer. I swear if it starts to look infected I'll come back right away." He gave her his best pitiful face, something she rarely fell for. But she must have been in a particularly good mood or else she knew he wasn't really in danger of an infection.

"Fine," she said, throwing up her hands in exasperation. "But you come back immediately if there is any change at all in your arm.

"I promise," Remus answered. Madame Pomfrey shook her head and began muttering under her breath as she walked back to her office. Remus grinned and got up to get dressed, reaching for the clean robes that James always brought for him. He had just finished dressing when Madame Pomfrey came back into the ward looking worried.

"Professor Dumbledore just flooed," Madame Pomfrey said. "He'd like to see you in his office as soon as possible."

"Is something wrong?" Remus asked, confused as to what the headmaster would want to see him about. The Marauders hadn't been involved in any pranks since well before the start of O.W.L.S.

"He didn't say," the matron replied. "The password is Peppermint Toads." Remus nodded and left the hospital wing, making his way quickly to Dumbledore's office.

Once up the moving staircase, Remus knocked lightly on the door, which opened of its own accord shortly after. He stepped inside and was surprised to see not only Professor Dumbledore, but Professor McGonagall as well. He looked at the two of them in confusion and Professor McGonagall stepped aside to reveal a third occupant of the room. Remus' heart dropped and his stomach clenched at the sight of his father.

"Dad?" he nearly whispered. John Lupin looked up at his son, his eyes red-rimmed, and his expression bleak.

"Remus," his father said. "I'm sorry Remus, I'm so sorry." He put his head in his hands and began to sob. Remus looked up at his head-of-house, who gave him a sympathetic look. She moved beside him and put a hand on his shoulder.

"Mr. Lupin, perhaps you should sit down," Dumbledore said, gesturing to a chair.

"No, tell me what happened," Remus demanded.

"Mr. Lupin," the headmaster said again, but Remus was having none of it.

"Tell me!" he nearly yelled. He felt McGonagall's hand tighten on his shoulder. Dumbledore sighed.

"Very well," he said. "Last night, your mother was attacked." Remus swayed for a moment. "Your father was detained at a meeting at work and did not arrive home until well after moonrise."

"No," Remus whispered.

"Werewolf tracks were found outside your home," Dumbledore paused and then cleared his throat. "Your mother did not survive."

"No," Remus said again. "No!" His knees buckled and it was only McGonagall's grip on his arm that kept him from falling to the floor. He regained his balance and spun on his father.

"The wards!" he exclaimed. "What about the wards?" When Remus had been a child and even now when he was home, he transformed in a fortified shed at the back of his parents' property. He'd never gotten out, but even still, his father had put wards around the house that while not able to stop a werewolf getting in, would give them enough warning that one was on the property that they could apparate or floo away. His father would drop the wards every morning after the full moon and put them back up the next. His father shook his head.

"Your mother met a family at St. Mungo's just after the last full moon," he said tearfully. Remus' mother volunteered to counsel other families who had a child that was bitten. "One whose 7 year-old daughter had just been bitten. Your mother had them over for tea a few days ago to explain some things to them and answer their questions. We took the wards down for them and I," his father hitched in a breath. "I forgot to put them back up."

"You forgot?" Remus said quietly.

"I'm sorry Remus, we usually just leave them up while you're at school and I've been so busy at work and I just," he trailed off shaking his head and bringing on a new round of tears.

"You forgot." Remus repeated. His father nodded. "You forgot!" Remus thundered. "How could you forget? I've been a werewolf for eleven years and you _forgot_?"

"I know, I'm sorry son, I don't know how, I," his father shook his head and buried his face in his hands once more.

"You killed her," Remus whispered. "As sure as if you were the werewolf yourself. You killed her!"

"Mr. Lupin!" Professor McGonagall exclaimed. "That is quite enough."

"No Minerva," John said through his tears. "No, he's right. It was my fault. And now she's gone. My beautiful Emily, gone."

"No John, he is not right," Professor Dumbledore broke in. "It was an accident. A terrible one to be sure, but there is no place for blame here, save on the werewolf that did this." Dumbledore moved toward Remus putting his hands on Remus' shoulders and looking them in the eye. "I know this is a shock my boy and a horrible tragedy, but you and your father are going to need one another now. Do not begin this journey at odds with one other." Remus tried to stay angry, but the sadness in the headmaster's eyes seemed to release Remus' own grief. The tears welled in his eyes and Dumbledore pulled him into an embrace as Remus began to sob into his robes. Professor McGonagall had joined his father on the couch and was putting a comforting arm around him. For quite some time there was no other sound in the room save that of quiet sobbing.

* * *

**21 June 1976**

Remus was numb. It was the only word he could use to describe it. He had come home with his father four days ago, to ready things for his mother's funeral. His father was not much help, he seemed to alternate between bouts of silence and drinking himself into oblivion. It was Remus that had called the few family members that still spoke to them since Remus had been bitten, to inform them of his mother's death. It was Remus that had arranged the service and ordered flowers and called his father's boss to arrange for time off for him. Remus had done all the cooking since he had been home, although neither of them was ever very hungry. And now he had to somehow get his father into his dress robes before everyone who was coming to pay their respects arrived.

"Dad," Remus said. His father looked up at him blearily. "Dad, you've got to get dressed now. Come on." Taking his father's hand, Remus led him like a child into his room where Remus had laid out his father's robes. "If you need any help, I'll be in my room. Dad?" Remus said when his father didn't respond.

"Dressed, yes," his father said and sank down onto his bed. Remus rubbed the back of his neck and then left, knowing he needed to get ready as well. He put on his robes mechanically, forcing his mind away from remembering why he was doing it. While he straightened his tie, he looked out into the back garden and something fluttering in one of the bushes caught his eye. Remus moved closer to the window and squinted, trying to figure out what it was. It looked like a spare piece of parchment, nothing interesting about that really, but something about it made Remus want to go and have a look. He finished with his tie and then slipped on his shoes, leaving his room. When he passed by his parents' room, no his father's room now, his dad was still sitting on the bed where Remus had left him. Remus sighed.

"Dad, you've got to get ready," Remus admonished. His father grunted and Remus shook his head, knowing he was probably going to have to dress the man himself. Still he walked out into the garden and towards the parchment caught in the bush.

For some strange reason, Remus' heart started to beat a little faster the closer he came to it. He sniffed the air smelling something familiar, but something that didn't belong. Remus stopped and sniffed again, turning in a small circle, testing the air around him. His brow furrowed. He knew that smell from somewhere or something, but he just couldn't place it. He turned back to the parchment and pulled it free of the branches. Realizing there was writing on it, Remus turned it over and his heart froze.

_Since you didn't see fit to leave me what was mine, I thought I'd take something of yours._

The note wasn't signed, but Remus knew exactly who it was from and exactly what he smelled in the air. Greyback. Why it had taken him this long to come after Remus' mother, Remus wasn't sure. Perhaps he'd tried before and the wards had stopped him. Or maybe he'd just been bored the last full moon and decided to take revenge for a decade-old grudge. Anger welled inside him and he crumpled the parchment in his fist.

He would have run and tried to track Greyback down that instant if he hadn't heard a series of small pops. Looking up, he realized that people were arriving for the funeral. Sighing, Remus shoved the note in the pocket of his robes and went back inside to see if his father was ready.

* * *

Most everyone had left right after the service. Remus hadn't had the forethought to provide any food, so there wasn't any reason for people to stay. Professor Dumbledore had performed the service and he was still there speaking to Remus' father. His friends had been allowed to come and Remus had been surprised to see Lily with them. She'd hugged him after the service was over and Remus wanted nothing more than to cling to her and sink into her softness and just sleep. But he hadn't. He had kept it friendly, as it should look to everyone, and thanked her for coming. He found himself staring wistfully at her as she talked quietly with James and Sirius and Peter. Then he fingered the note in his pocket and turned back towards his father and the headmaster.

"Professor," Remus said once he'd reached the two. "May I speak with you for a moment?"

"Of course my boy," Dumbledore replied and the two took a few steps away from Remus' father.

"I found this just before everyone began arriving," Remus explained, handing the note to his professor. "It was caught in a bush near the back of the property." Dumbledore opened the note and read it quickly. He glanced back at Remus.

"I assumed you have a suspicion as to whom this is from," the headmaster said and Remus nodded.

"It's not a suspicion, I know," he replied. "I smelled him. It was Greyback." Dumbledore closed his eyes for the merest of moments.

"Remus I must implore you not to make any rash decisions regarding this," the older wizard said. Remus growled low in his throat.

"How can you ask me that sir?" Remus said through gritted teeth. "He killed my mother."

"I understand that, but there is no proof son." Remus opened his mouth to protest, but Dumbledore held up a hand. "I realize that you know who did this and I believe you, but that will not be enough for the Aurors or Magical Law Enforcement. Not to mention the fact that you are merely 16 years old. You cannot use magic without reprisal, especially if it causes harm to someone else. Even someone like Greyback."

"What I'm planning on doing to him won't require magic," Remus hissed.

"Then you will lose," Dumbledore stated calmly. Remus glanced at him sharply. "Greyback is much older than you, much more experienced and much more calculating. You would go after him on pure rage and revenge alone. That will not be enough to defeat him hand-to-hand. While his crimes have been heinous and unspeakable, he has been as successful as he is because emotion is not part of his equation. Do not do this to your father, to your friends." Remus looked murderously at his headmaster. Dumbledore put his hands on Remus' shoulders.

"One day, I have no doubt that the opportunity for justice will prevent itself. But that day is not today." Remus blew out a breath and hung his head. Dumbledore patted his shoulder. "I will give you a few moments to say good-bye to your friends. I must take them back to school shortly." Remus nodded as the headmaster walked away. Remus heard, rather than saw, his friends approaching.

"You okay Moony?" James asked, clapping his friend on the shoulder. "Sorry that was stupid. Of course you're not."

"It's all right Prongs," Remus said with a sad smile. "I'm glad that you all could come."

"Dumbledore couldn't have kept us away," Sirius assured him. Lily came up next to him and took his hand. No one said anything, although Remus glanced at them all nervously.

"Are you coming back to school?" she asked. Remus shook his head.

"No, since exams are over there's no real reason to and my dad needs me," he replied. "Professor Dumbledore said he'd send my trunk over with one of the house elves later today if you guys could pack up my stuff?"

"Sure Moony, no problem," Sirius said. "Listen, we're all going to get together at Prongs' house a week or so after term's over. You'll come right?"

"I'm not sure, maybe," Remus said, glancing back at his dad.

"I'll owl," James assured him. Remus nodded. Dumbledore began approaching the group. "I guess we've got to go," James said. His friends all hugged him and Lily gave him a kiss on the cheek.

"Mr. Lupin, please let me know if there's anything you need," Dumbledore said, as he pulled an old brass key from his pocket. Remus nearly laughed at the irony of the object being used as a portkey.

"Yes sir," Remus replied. Dumbledore tapped the key with his wand, muttering 'portus'. He held it out to Remus' friends who all put a finger on it. A few seconds later, they vanished from sight, Lily's smile lingering in Remus' mind. He turned back toward his father with a sigh, walking toward the older man to help him back into the house.

* * *

That night Remus woke from nightmare after nightmare and they were all the same. Greyback stalked through Lily's backyard just before moonrise. He positioned himself beneath her window and when the moon rose, he struck. Remus awoke for the third time, bathed in sweat and panting heavily. He glanced up at the light from a wand tip.

"Son?" John Lupin said in concern. "Are you all right?" Remus was so shocked that his father was not only out of bed, but coherent enough to be concerned about Remus, that he didn't say anything for a few minutes.

"Uh, yeah Dad, just a nightmare," Remus finally managed. "Sorry I woke you."

"I wasn't asleep," his father admitted. He came into his son's room and sat down on the edge of the bed. "I know I haven't been too helpful these last few days. I'm sorry."

"It's all right Dad," Remus said. He felt his eyes fill. "I miss her too." His father nodded, then reached for his son, pulling him into his embrace. Remus clung to his dad, finally letting go of the emotions he'd been keeping inside for the last few days. His father rubbed his back and rocked him a little, like he had when Remus was little and was scared of the upcoming full moon. When he was finally spent, Remus pulled away in embarrassment.

"Sorry," he whispered.

"There's nothing to be sorry for," his father said, giving Remus' arm a squeeze. "Do you want to tell me about it? Your nightmare I mean." Remus shook his head. "You know where to find me if you do." He patted Remus' shoulder and then stood. Remus watched him walk from the room but called out to him when he had reached the doorway.

"Dad?" His father paused and turned around. "Thanks." His father merely nodded and left, walking down the hall to his own bedroom. Remus heard the door close with a quiet click.

He lay back in his bed staring at the ceiling, knowing he would get no more sleep tonight. The dream had been more vivid each time and in this last he had felt as if he were in the room while Greyback savaged Lily. Bile rose in his throat and Remus jumped out of bed, making it to the loo just in time to lose the contents of his stomach. He sat panting on the floor, his head leaned against the wall as the realization hit him. Greyback had killed his mother because Remus' father refused to give Remus up to him after Remus had been bitten. There was nothing stopping Greyback from doing the same thing to Lily or anyone else that Remus cared about, for that matter. Remus hung his head. It was over, for good this time. He had to keep Lily safe.

* * *

**2 July 1976**

Remus stared at the blank parchment in front of him. He'd started what seemed like a thousand letters, both in his mind and on parchment and none of them were right. He knew that seeing Lily in person would be much more difficult than explaining things in a letter, but he couldn't do it to her this way. Making up his mind, he began to write.

_Lily,_

_I'm sorry for not writing sooner, but could you meet me in the play park near your house tomorrow at 1:00? I really need to speak with you._

_Remus_

He glanced over the short note again, realizing that Lily would know something was wrong given the way he'd signed the note. But he couldn't lead her on or give her false hope right now. This was the end, there was nothing that she could say or do to make him change his mind. Greyback was more animal than man and Remus knew he would stop at nothing to make sure he had exacted every ounce of revenge he could on the Lupin family. Remus would not let Lily be caught in the crossfire. He loved her too much.

Sighing, Remus whistled for the family owl and tied the note to his leg. With a quiet hoot, the owl took off, Remus watching it until it was nothing but a tiny speck in the sky.

* * *

**3 July 1976**

Remus stepped off the Knight Bus in front of the ice cream shop that he and Lily had visited the previous summer. He remembered the way to the play park from here and he knew it was only a couple of blocks back to Lily's house from the park. She should be able to get there, no matter how upset she was. Remus hoped that the fact that they would be in a public place and that neither of them could use magic, still being underage, would keep Lily from making a scene. He knew how stubborn she was.

He made his way to the park and looked around for Lily but she hadn't yet arrived. It was still fifteen minutes until one so Remus found a bench near the back of the park and sat down. There were a few mothers in the park with their children, the kids happily running around or playing on the swings or the slide. Remus looked away from them, his own memories of his mother far too close to the surface for his liking. Perhaps this hadn't been the best place to meet. He needed to be clear-headed and strong if he was going to convince Lily.

As he thought her name he looked up and saw her walking into the park. She smiled happily when she saw him and he rose as she approached. She gave him a hug once she'd reached him and leaned up for a kiss, but Remus merely kissed her cheek and stepped back. She looked at him strangely but sat down next to him all the same.

"How are you doing?" she asked, putting a hand on his arm.

"I'm okay," he said with a shrug.

"How about your dad?" she continued.

"He's not so good," Remus admitted, looking off into the distance. "He still hasn't been back to work and his boss is starting to get impatient. He has some good moments now and then, so hopefully he'll go back in a week or two." Lily looked at him sadly, taking his hand in hers and giving it a squeeze.

"Lily," Remus said, clearing his throat. "I know who killed my mother." Lily looked at him in surprise. "I found this the morning of her funeral." Remus pulled the note from the pocket of his jeans and handed it to Lily. She read it and then looked at him, brow furrowed.

"How do you know who it's from?" she asked. "Or that it was even meant for you or your dad? It's not signed and there aren't even any names mentioned."

"I know," Remus assured her. "I know because it's from Greyback. I could smell him all over it. Although I didn't know who I was smelling until I read the note. It all sort of fell together then."

"Greyback?" Lily questioned. "The one that changed you?" Remus nodded. "But, why?"

"I'm sure it's never set well with him that my parents didn't abandon me and raised me as a wizard instead of a werewolf," Remus said. "Why it took him so long to finally take revenge I have no idea. There were usually wards in place during the full moon, wards that warned my parents if there was a werewolf on the property. My father set them up once I'd been bitten just in case I escaped from the shed. But he'd forgotten to put them up that night. Otherwise my mother could have just disapparated."

"Oh Remus I'm so sorry," Lily said, squeezing his hand again. Remus nodded. "So have you told the Aurors?" Remus shook his head.

"That's the only evidence I have," he said indicating the note. "And like you said, it's not signed, there's no names mentioned. It might not even have been meant for us. It could have blown into the bush from somewhere else. The only evidence that I have is my own suspicions. And even though I'm positive that I'm right, that's not enough for MLE, according to Professor Dumbledore." The two sat in silence for a few moments as Remus plucked up his courage to do what he knew that he had to.

"Lily, there's something else," he said quietly.

"What?" she asked. He looked up at her with such sadness in her eyes that she gasped. "No Remus, don't do this please." Tears welled in her eyes and he had to look away from her.

"Lily, he's out for my family for some reason and even though he got my mother, I doubt he'll be satisfied with that," Remus said. "I cannot put you in that kind of danger. I will not put you in that kind of danger. You live in a muggle neighborhood, the rest of your family aren't wizards. You're too young to apparate and there's no floo. Wards would do no good. You wouldn't be able to get away fast enough." Lily was shaking her head, the tears running down her cheeks in earnest. Remus knew his own eyes were wet.

"I love you Lily, with everything that I am," Remus said chokingly. "I could not bear it if you were forced into a life like mine or worse. If you had to watch your family slaughtered in front of you. I will not do that to you. I have to let you go."

"Remus," was all she managed, but he could hear the plea in her voice. He pulled her to him and hugged her as tightly as he could while she sobbed. He pulled back and cradled her face in his hands, closing his eyes and kissing her forehead. And then, he let her go.

"I'm sorry Lily," he whispered as he walked away as quickly as he could, lest he change his mind once again. He glanced back once when he reached the gate of the park to see Lily pulling the heart pendant from beneath her shirt and kissing it. With a choked sob, he turned and ran, summoning the Knight Bus as soon as he was able.

* * *

**24 August 1976**

Remus sat staring at the cold fireplace. He didn't know what time it was or how long he'd been sitting here. He wasn't even sure if he knew what day it was anymore. The house was quiet. His father was in his study again, drinking. He might even be passed out by now, depending on what time it was. Remus was sure that there was something he should probably be doing, but he couldn't remember what. It didn't matter much anyway. Nothing mattered anymore since he'd lost his mother and then Lily.

The summer had dragged along after that day in early July. His father went back to work for a few days and then came home for another week. The week after that he'd only made it in once and the week after that, he'd been fired. He had holed up in his study ever since, drinking himself into oblivion every day. Some days he made it to the kitchen for food and others not. Remus was able to rouse him enough the night of the full moon that his father got him locked into the shed properly, but a large part of Remus thought sure his father would forget to let him out in the morning. He hadn't though, to Remus' surprise, and he'd actually been somewhat sober that day. The same thing had happened last week. It was something, Remus supposed.

He'd gotten letters, lots of letters from his friends and few from Lily. He rarely answered any of them, mostly just an occasional one from James or Sirius so they knew he was still alive. Lily's he didn't respond to at all, but he'd read them. He kept them under his pillow and would pull them out at night and reread them by candlelight. He knew he shouldn't, it only made it harder, made his heart break a little more every time, but he couldn't help himself.

She wanted him back of course, tried to convince him that once they were back at school she was perfectly safe at Hogwarts and there was no reason why they couldn't see each other there. She'd said she would stay at school for Christmas and Easter and by the time summer rolled around again, she would be of age and able to apparate. She said she'd talked to her parents about getting their house hooked up to the floo network and they agreed, although Remus knew that the Ministry wouldn't allow it, at least until Lily was of age. And besides, her parents and Petunia couldn't go through on their own. They'd need someone magical to take them and there were three of them and only one of Lily.

School would be hard, Remus knew. He'd have to see her every day and he was sure that she would try and convince him of these things in person as well. Maybe he just wouldn't go back. He'd taken O.W.L.S. and the probability of him finding a job was small anyway. What was the point of taking N.E.W.T.S. when no one would likely hire him?

The sight of the fire flaring green startled Remus from his stupor. A head soon appeared.

"Moony?" James called, looking around. "Oh there you are," he said once he'd spotted Remus on the couch. Remus didn't say anything, just stared dully at his friend. "Hey Remus, are you all right?" Remus grunted. James' head turned and he said something to someone behind him. "Moony I'm coming through." James' head disappeared and was replaced by his body as he stepped from the grate, followed closely by Sirius.

"Moony, mate, what's going on?" Sirius asked, but Remus just sighed. "Where's your dad?"

"Study," Remus said flatly. James and Sirius looked at each other in concern and then glanced around the room. Plates and glasses were scattered about on the tabletops and more were piled in the sink and on the counter when Sirius peeked around the corner into the kitchen. Empty bottles of firewhiskey littered the table and the floor.

"Can't do a few dishes mate?" Sirius said jokingly but Remus shrugged a shoulder.

"Can't use magic," he said. Sirius glanced at James again, but Remus really didn't care.

"I'll be right back," James said and went down the hall toward the back of the house. Sirius sat down on the couch next to Remus.

"You haven't answered our last three letters Moony, we were worried about you," Sirius said.

"Sorry," Remus said with no feeling. James returned.

"His dad's passed out cold on the couch in his study," James reported. Remus snorted. His friends looked at him.

"Nothing new," Remus said. James shifted nervously, running a hand through his hair and glancing at Sirius. He finally sat down in the chair next to the couch.

"So, get your O.W.L. scores then?" James asked. Remus shrugged. "What did you get?"

"Doesn't matter," Remus replied.

"Course it does, Moony," Sirius said. "Bet you got O's in everything. Except potions, you're pants at potions." Remus jaw tightened. Lily had helped him in potions since first year because Sirius was right.

"Not as bad as Wormtail though," James said with a laugh. Remus didn't respond.

"Have you been to Diagon Alley yet?" Sirius asked. Remus shook his head.

"Not going back," he said.

"Sorry?" James said.

"Doesn't matter, can't get a job anyway, no one hires werewolves," Remus explained. "What's the point?" James looked at Sirius in concern. Sirius shrugged his shoulders.

"Listen Remus, you can't think like that mate," James said. "I'm sure that," but Remus cut him off.

"Just go James," he said with a sigh. "Go back to your parents and your big house and your perfect life and leave me alone. You too Sirius."

"Hey mate, my life is far from perfect," Sirius joked.

"Whatever," Remus said. "Just go."

"We're worried about you Moony," James began.

"Go!" Remus roared, standing from the couch. His two friends jumped in surprise. "Just get out of here and leave me alone! I don't know why you want to be friends with me anyway. I'm nothing but a half-breed, a monster, a drain on everyone! Just get the hell away from me before I drag you down too!"

"Remus what are you talking about?" James demanded.

"Greyback killed my mother!" Remus thundered. "He's still targeting my family and anyone that's around me is in danger!"

"Greyback can kiss my arse," Sirius spat. "I hope he does come round spoiling for a fight. We'll show him what a dog and a stag can do." James nodded in agreement. Remus looked from Sirius to James and knew his friends weren't kidding. His heart nearly stopped at the thought of his friends being hurt because of him.

"No!" Remus exclaimed. "No, you can't, I won't let you, I can't," he sunk down on the couch and put his head in his hands. "I can't lose anyone else, not after her, not after," he trailed off and shook his head, the tears returning. Sirius whispered something to James and Remus heard the sound of the floo, then felt Sirius sit down beside him.

"You're not just talking about your mum, are you?" Sirius asked quietly. Remus looked up to see that James had disappeared, through the floo presumably.

"No," Remus said miserably. "I had to do it Padfoot, I had to let her go. She was in too much danger."

"Moony," Sirius said, shaking his head.

"Don't start. Please," Remus begged. "I can't do it right now, I just can't. I've heard it all from her and I just can't." He put his face back in his hands, elbows resting on his knees. Sirius put an arm around his shoulders again.

"Okay, Moony, whatever you want," Sirius said.

"What happened to James?" Remus asked.

"He went to get his mum," Sirius replied. Remus looked at Sirius in horror.

"Look at this place Sirius, she can't come here!" Remus exclaimed.

"Relax Moony, she's seen worse than this in James' room," Sirius quipped and Remus snorted in spite of himself. "You need help mate and you know Mrs. Potter. She's not going to judge you or care." Remus nodded and seconds later, James stepped back into the room. He turned and held a hand out for his mother, helping her from the floo.

"Remus," she said as Remus and Sirius stood from the couch. "How are you darling?" Remus could see her eyes sweeping the room and taking in the dishes and empty bottles, but the genuine smile on her face never wavered.

"I don't think I'm doing so well, Mrs. Potter," he finally admitted. He could feel the tears gathering in his eyes as he said it. She took a few steps forward until she was standing directly in front of him.

"No my dear, I don't think that you are," she said. She held out her arms and Remus stepped into them. It reminded him of his own mum and as hard as he tried, he couldn't keep the tears away. "It's all right Remus, let it go," she soothed. And then, Remus wept. Mrs. Potter held onto him tightly and refused to let go. Remus knew that James and Sirius were still in the room, but Mrs. Potter seemed to sense his discomfort for she sent the boys outside with instructions to degnome the garden. She guided Remus to the couch and wrapped her arms back around him until he'd finally quieted. When he tried to pull away, embarrassed by his outburst, she took his chin in her hand and forced him to look at her.

"None of that now," she admonished. "You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of young man." Remus nodded, eyes still downcast.

"I'm going to get things cleaning in here and then I'm going to go and have a talk with your father, all right?" she said.

"Oh, well, I don't know if he can really, erm," Remus rubbed the back of his neck nervously.

"Don't worry, darling, I know plenty of sobering charms," Mrs. Potter said, patting Remus' hand. She turned and waved her wand at the dishes, causing them all to fly into the sink and begin washing themselves. The empty bottles made their way to the rubbish bin and the curtains opened with a quick slash of her wand. Remus blinked a bit at the brightness of the light now streaming in through the windows.

"Niva," she called and a small house-elf appeared with a pop.

"Mistress called for Niva," the elf said with an incline of her head.

"Niva, I would like you to bring groceries for Mr. Lupin and his son and then I'd like you to make some meals that can be easily reheated. A week's worth for two and then a few weeks' more for one. Remus will be returning to school with Master James in a week's time."

"Yes, Mistress," Niva said and with a snap of her fingers, she disappeared.

"Mrs. Potter, you don't have to," Remus began, but he was interrupted.

"Nonsense Remus," she said with a shake of her head. "Your father is a good man. A good man that's found himself in a dark place just now. You are one of James' best friends and therefore very special to me as well. Friends help each other, my dear." She gave him a smile. "Now, why don't you go and collect James and Sirius and the three of you can head to Diagon Alley for your supplies for next year. And do not even think of giving me that rubbish about no one giving you a job. Mr. Potter has plenty of contacts in all kinds of places. Not everyone is prejudiced."

"Yes, ma'am," Remus said.

"Good, now do you need any money dear? You know that we're happy to help," Mrs. Potter said. Somehow, the way that she said it did not make Remus feel like a charity case.

"No thank you, Mrs. Potter," Remus said. "Dad gave me a vault key last year, so I can just go to Gringott's."

"Excellent, that's settled then," she said with smile rising from the couch. Remus followed suit. "Now you boys behave yourselves while you're there. I'm going to talk to your father."

"Yes ma'am," Remus replied. Mrs. Potter patted his cheek and turned to leave the room. "Mrs. Potter?" Remus said tentatively. She turned back to face him. "Thank you."

"Of course darling," she said with a smile, then walked regally down the hall to his father's study.

* * *

When Remus returned from Diagon Alley with his books and supplies, he found his father sitting at the kitchen table drinking a cup of tea. The entire house had been cleaned and the kitchen looked nearly sparkling. The house elf, Niva, was still in the kitchen preparing meals.

"Ah, young master Remus is home," the elf said. "Niva is almost finished with dinner. You's is to put away you's things and sit down."

"Yes, ma'am," Remus heard himself say and his father snorted. Remus looked down and the two of them began to chuckle. Soon they were both laughing loudly and Remus felt a small piece of his heart mend. "I'll be right back," Remus finally managed and took his bags to his room. He returned a few minutes later to see Niva levitating platters and bowls to the table. Remus didn't think he'd seen so much food at once since the last feast at Hogwarts. When the little elf had gone back into the kitchen, Remus' father turned to him.

"Who does she think she's cooking for, an army?" he asked incredulously and Remus laughed again.

"Don't complain Dad, we haven't eaten this well in months," he said without thinking. Instantly the mood of the room changed. "Dad, I'm sorry, I," but his father held up a hand to stop him.

"It's I who owe you the apology," Mr. Lupin said. "I've been a horrible father since your mother," he pulled in a deep breath, "since your mother died and that's not fair to you."

"Dad, it's all right," Remus tried again, but his father put a hand on his arm to silence him.

"No Remus, it's not all right and thank Merlin that Rosalind Potter knocked some sense into me," he said.

"What did she say to you?" Remus asked nervously.

"Nothing I plan on repeating," Mr. Lupin said with a smirk. "Not until you're of age at least." Remus chuckled. "And if your mother was here, she'd kick my arse from here to London and back. I haven't done right by you son and that's going to change," Remus could only nod, the lump in his throat too big to talk around. His father seemed to realize this, for he picked up a steaming platter and put a piece of chicken on his plate, passing the platter to Remus.

The two ate and chatted about one thing and another throughout the meal. His father planned on trying to get his old job back and Remus hoped that he could. They discussed Remus' O.W.L.S, which while they hadn't been all O's as Sirius had suggested, had been rather close. Deciding to keep the same subjects that James and Sirius were, save Potions, as Remus really was pants at that, he also kept Ancient Runes and Arithmancy. Arithmancy was with some reluctance as he knew that Lily would be in the class as well and neither James nor Sirius was. But Arithmancy intrigued Remus like no other class did and he would have to start acting normally around Lily sometime. They were going to be at school for two more years together and being in the same house, he couldn't really avoid her entirely.

For the first time since his mother's death, Remus felt almost peaceful when he went to bed that night. His heart still ached whenever he thought of Lily, but he knew he had made the right decision all the same. He loved her too much to let anything happen to her and regardless of what Mrs. Potter had said, Remus wasn't counting on being able to find a good job after graduation. Lily deserved better than that.


	6. Temptation

**Chapter 6**

**Temptation**

**1 September 1976 – Sixth Year**

Remus walked nervously to the Prefect's carriage. It would be the first time in two months that he had seen Lily. After not answering any of her letters during the summer, he wasn't completely convinced that she wouldn't hex him on sight. He stepped inside and looked around, seeing that she wasn't there yet. Remus sat down next to Dorcas Meadowes and noticed the new Head Girl badge on her robes.

"Congratulations Dorcas," Remus said indicating the girl's badge.

"Thank you," she replied with a smile. "I heard about your mum, Remus. I'm so sorry." Remus merely nodded, never knowing what to say to people when they said that. 'It's all right' sounded odd because it definitely was not all right and 'thanks' was just as strange. Remus knew it was a thank you for the sentiment, but it sounded to him like he was thanking his mother for dying. Dorcas didn't seem to mind, however, as she began discussing the year and the new prefects with him.

A few moments later, the door to the car opened again and Lily stepped through. Remus' breath caught in his throat and he tried to look away, but he found that he couldn't. Lily glanced at him, her expression immediately changing to one of sadness and Remus had to look away. She wasn't angry with him it seemed, but Remus would have preferred that to the despair that he saw in her eyes.

He spent the rest of the meeting avoiding Lily's gaze and as soon as Dorcas dismissed them, Remus nearly flew to the door. He was stopped from going through by a new Hufflepuff prefect who was asking the Head Boy a question. Trying to politely move past them, Remus was nearly successful. But when he felt the hand on his arm, his eyes closed, knowing by the touch alone that it was Lily. He turned back toward her and she motioned to the back of the carriage. Sighing he followed her.

"How are you doing?" Lily asked when they had reached the corner.

"All right, I guess," he shrugged.

"How's your dad?" she asked.

"Better," Remus said. "Mrs. Potter came over and gave him some kind of lecture." Lily smirked and Remus couldn't help but smile a bit. They stood in awkward silence for a few minutes.

"I assume that you got my letters," Lily finally said. Remus nodded. "And I guessing that since you didn't respond, you didn't think too much of my ideas." Remus sighed.

"Lily," he said, then stopped, swallowing over the lump in his throat. He took her hands in his. "I know that I've said this before, but I can't ask you to put yourself in that kind of danger. I know that you could protect yourself by apparating or going through the floo, but what about your parents or Petunia? You can't side-along three people and you'd have to take each of them through the floo yourself. Please believe me when I say that there would never be enough time to get them all out. How would you feel if you had to watch one or more of them slaughtered? I will not do that to you nor will I let you be subjected to the same curse that I am." He looked at her and was not surprised to see tears running down her cheeks.

"This is so hard, the hardest thing that I've ever done," Remus choked out. "But I won't put you in danger needlessly. I'm sorry Lily." She squeezed his hands and nodded, standing up on tip-toe to place a kiss on his cheek.

"I love you Remus Lupin and I always will," she whispered in his ear and then she turned and nearly ran from the carriage. Remus watched her go, his heart feeling like it was being ground to bits in his chest. He couldn't pull in too deep of a breath for the stabbing pain that went along with it. His gut roiled and he felt as if he might be sick. Instead, he approached Dorcas where she was standing in conversation with Jonathan Chambers, the Head Boy.

"Dorcas," Remus said, his voice cracking. He cleared his throat. "Jonathan," he said acknowledging the Hufflepuff as well. "If it's not too much trouble, could you please not schedule Lily Evans and me to patrol together?" Dorcas looked at him strangely. Remus was well aware that she knew the two of them were friends.

"Why not?" Dorcas asked.

"It's personal and I'd rather not get into if you don't mind," Remus said. "But I would appreciate it." Dorcas studied him for a few moments and then shrugged.

"Sure Remus, if that's what you want," she said.

"Thank you," Remus replied and then left the carriage before he could let go the scream that was threatening to emerge.

* * *

**5 February 1977**

Five months. They had been back at school for five months and it felt like five centuries to Remus. He thought it would get easier as time went on, but in truth, it had only gotten harder. Lily had been quieter than usual and more withdrawn. Mary had given Remus another dressing down, but unwilling to tell her about his lycanthropy, he had been unable to give her an excuse for the break-up that Mary thought was good enough.

Remus was quiet as well, but his friends and most everyone else attributed it to the loss of his mother. Sirius knew the truth of course and had tried to talk to Remus about it on more than one occasion, but Remus always changed the subject. James had remarked more than once on Lily's change in personality and Remus could tell James was truly worried. Irrational jealousy often flared in Remus when these incidents occurred, although rationally he was actually grateful that his friend still seemed to care so much about Lily.

Remus walked to the library, having buried himself in his schoolwork since the beginning of the year. Although he had always been a good student and studied hard, his teachers had begun to comment on his even better than usual grades. Professor McGonagall had looked at him shrewdly when she'd returned his last essay and Remus saw her glance at Lily from the corner of her eye, then back to Remus. Remus had looked away for a moment and when he'd looked back up at his stern professor, he was surprised to see that her eyes had softened and there was a look of sympathy there. It lasted for no more than a second before she resumed her business-like façade, but Remus was grateful for it all the same.

He reached his usual table near the back and spread out his books and parchment and sat down to work on the Arithmancy assignment they had been set that day. It wasn't due for a week, but Remus had no other pressing homework and he couldn't just sit in the common room and do nothing. James and Sirius were at quidditch practice and Remus was sure Peter had followed them there to watch.

Remus had been working for almost an hour when he heard a quiet laugh that he recognized. Turning around he scanned the nearby tables, part of him hoping that she wasn't there and the other part yearning for a glimpse of her. He didn't see her, but heard the laugh again. Against his better judgment, Remus stood and followed the sound. He knew it was stupid, but he hadn't heard Lily laugh for so long that he wanted to see what had finally made her happy again.

Turning down another row of books, Remus stopped when he reached the end and heard quiet voices. Peeking around the next row, he saw Lily standing rather close to David Corner, both of them looking at a shelf of books that Remus knew held Arithmancy tomes. He supposed they were starting the same assignment he was working on.

As he watched, David whispered something in Lily's ear and she laughed again, reaching up to grasp one of the books on the shelf above her. David put his hand on the small of her back to keep her steady while she grabbed the book. Remus stared at the hand on Lily's back and swallowed a growl at the last possible moment. When Lily had put the book in her arms and turned to look at David again, he brushed a lock of hair behind her ear. Remus' hands fisted at his sides and his teeth clenched. He watched the two of them walk away and even knowing what a bad idea it was, he followed them anyway.

Remus hid behind the shelves as they sat down at a table a few feet from the row they had been in and Lily opened the book she had taken from the shelf. The two of them bent their heads over it and began reading. Lily asked David a question and he pointed something out in the book and they went back to their task. Remus was just about to turn away and go back to his own table, when David looked up at Lily, twirling his quill nervously between his fingers.

"Lily, can I ask you something?" he finally said.

"Sure David," Lily replied, focusing on him instead of the book.

"Well, there's a Hogsmeade weekend coming up and I wondered if you'd like to go with me," he said, his face turning a slight shade of red.

"Oh," Lily said in surprise and Remus grinned knowing she was going to turn the Ravenclaw down. "Actually David, I'd love to." Remus' mouth dropped open in shock. David's smile grew wide and Lily grinned back. And then the two went back to work on their assignment.

Remus somehow made his way back to his own table through the red haze of his vision. He stuffed everything on his table into his bag and strode from the library. He snarled at a pair of second-years who were trying to hide a handful of dungbombs behind their backs and took points from both of them. He threw a hex at Peeves just for being in the same corridor as him. He hurried through the common room without saying anything to anyone and pelted up the stairs to his dorm, throwing his bag across the room when he entered. All of the books on his bedside table soon followed and he was flipping open the lid to his trunk when Sirius walked in.

"Bloody hell Moony, what happened in here?" Sirius exclaimed looking at the mess that was their room. Remus turned and glared daggers at Sirius, but the appearance of his friend seemed to take all the fight out of him. Remus slammed down the lid of his trunk and dropped down onto it, putting his face in his hands. He heard Sirius muttering 'accio' and 'reparo' charms and Remus knew his friend was putting the room to rights and returning all of Remus' things.

"Thanks Padfoot," Remus said with a sigh when Sirius had finished. Sirius waved off the thanks.

"What's up Moony?" he asked. Remus sighed.

"I saw Lily in the library with David Corner today," Remus said. "He asked her to Hogsmeade."

"That ponce?" Sirius snorted. "She said no obviously." Remus shook his head. "She said yes? What the hell's wrong with her?" Sirius began to pace around their room.

"He's not that bad," Remus said with a shrug. "And he made her laugh."

"We'll prank him," Sirius said, still pacing. "We could use that one we did on Mulciber where he smelled like a dirty nappy for a week." Remus grinned remembering that one.

"We don't repeat pranks remember?" Remus said.

"Right, okay, how about fish guts then?" Sirius suggested. "Oh and then we could hang him over the lake and let the giant squid play with him." Remus snorted.

"Thanks Padfoot, but just leave him alone," Remus said. "This is what I wanted, Lily to move on and be happy." Sirius sighed and stopped in front of Remus.

"Are you sure that's what you want?" he asked.

"No," Remus replied, shaking his head. "But it's what Lily deserves and that's all that matters." Sirius sat down on the trunk next to Remus and put an arm around his shoulders. The two sat in companionable silence until James came in.

"Something wrong?" he asked immediately, after seeing Remus' dejected looking face.

"Nah," Sirius said, standing up. "Remus and I were just talking." James nodded, figuring it had something to do with Remus' mum. "I'm going to clean up before dinner."

"So Moony," James said once Sirius was gone.

"Yeah, Prongs," Remus replied, still thinking about Lily and David Corner.

"I was wondering if, er," James trailed off and Remus looked up at him in confusion. James was clearly nervous and Remus couldn't for the life of him fathom why. "That is," James trailed off again.

"What's going on Prongs?" Remus asked.

"It's, er, Evans," James finally said and Remus' heart stopped. Did James know? "Look, I know you two are friends and everything and so I was wondering if you could maybe, you know, give me some, erm, ideas or something."

"Ideas?" Remus asked.

"Yeah, you know, about Lily and what she likes," James said. "I mean everything I've done so far obviously hasn't worked so I thought I'd ask you. I really want her to like me." Remus sighed.

"You're too late. She told David Corner she'd go to Hogsmeade with him and they looked awfully cozy in the library just now," Remus said. James' shoulders slumped and he sunk down on his bed. Remus studied his friend. Truth be told, if Remus couldn't be with Lily, he didn't exactly want her with someone like David Corner either. Not that he would treat her badly but he was, well, a ponce, just like Sirius had said. Remus knew it was none of his business and he shouldn't meddle in Lily's love life, but at least if she were with James, he knew that she would be with someone that really loved her.

But that also meant that Remus would see and be around Lily much more often. He wasn't sure just how he would handle that or if he even could. But James looked so pathetic sitting there on his bed with the frown on his face. Remus had already accepted the fact that he would never be able to be close to someone like he had been with Lily as long as Greyback was alive. He would never put someone he loved in that kind of danger and truth be told, if his friends didn't already know about the threat of Greyback, he would have pulled away from all of them as well. Mind made up, Remus turned back to James.

"First of all, stop calling her by her last name for Merlin's sake! Second, stop being such an arse around her," Remus said and James looked up in confusion. "You look like a stupid berk with all the innuendos and arrogant comments you always make." James opened his mouth as if he were going to protest, then shut it and turned red. "And quit playing with your damn hair all the time."

"But, girls like that," James protested. He had gotten many an appreciative look from the female population when he messed up his hair.

"Other girls might, but Lily doesn't," Remus said. "She thinks it makes you look like an idiot."

"Really?" James asked. Remus nodded. "What else?"

"You're a great quidditch player, we all know it," Remus said. "You don't need to walk around bragging about it after every match. We were there, we saw how many points you scored."

"Are you sure this is Ev-, I mean Lily's list and not yours Moony?" James asked, eyes narrowing. Remus rolled his.

"Yes, Prongs, I'm positive," Remus replied.

"So Lily talks about me a lot then, huh?" James asked with a grin. Remus shook his head in exasperation.

"That, right there," Remus pointed out. "That's what I'm talking about." James' brow furrowed and then he nodded.

"Right," he said. "Understood."

"Look, James, Lily doesn't hate you," Remus said. "I know she says that she does, but she doesn't really. She's seen you being nice to the first-years and helping out that third-year that's on the team this year. That's the stuff she wants to see more of."

"Yeah, okay," James said still nodding his head.

"But you can't make it obvious," Remus cautioned. "I mean don't all of a sudden completely stop being a prat." James picked up the pillow off his bed and threw it at Remus. Remus grinned and ducked. "Don't try and impress her because that usually backfires. Just be yourself."

"You're such a girl, Moony," James said with a laugh.

"You're the one that wanted my advice," Remus said shrugging.

"Yeah," James said. "Thanks Moony." Sirius stuck his head in the room.

"Come on, it's dinner," he said then disappeared. Remus rolled his eyes again as he and James stood and followed their friend.

* * *

**1 September 1977 – Seventh Year**

Remus hurried down the platform, jumping onto the train just before the whistle blew. He couldn't believe he'd nearly missed it. His father had had a bad night the night before and Remus had overslept as a result. His dad had good days and bad days, but the closer they got to the end of the summer, the bad days had started to outweigh the good. Remus supposed it was down to his father knowing he would be alone again soon. Remus just hoped he'd be able to keep his job this time.

His dad was on his third job of the year. Things always started out well, but then something would happen and his father would fall back into a depression and miss too many days. Remus had taken his apparition test at the beginning of the summer and had gotten a job in a neighboring muggle town, taking off the time around the full moon from the beginning, citing family responsibilities. He'd made enough to have pocket money for the year and his dad had already paid for his supplies, so at least Remus knew he'd make it through school.

Remus walked straight to the Prefects' carriage, knowing the meeting always started just after they left the station. He'd have to find his friends later. He wondered who the Head Boy and Girl would be. Lily was the obvious choice for Head Girl and as much as he hated to admit it, David Corner would probably be Head Boy. Remus hadn't really been surprised when he hadn't gotten the Head Boy badge along with his letter, but he had been just a tiny bit disappointed. So he was more than shocked when he walked into the carriage and saw James standing there.

"Prongs?" Remus said in confusion. "What are you doing here?" James turned to him with a grin, pointing to the Head Boy badge pinned to his robes. Remus snorted.

"What did you thump Corner and stash him somewhere before you took that off him?" Remus asked.

"Moony, I'm hurt that you would think so little of your new Head Boy," James said dramatically.

"Come on Prongs, knock it off," Remus said shaking his head.

"I'm serious Moony," James replied.

"No you're not, you're Prongs," Remus quipped with a grin, but James didn't smile back. In fact, he looked a little annoyed. Remus stared at him, his mouth dropping open. "Head Boy? You really are?"

"Yes," James said tightly.

"I'm sorry, James, it just took me by surprise is all," Remus said quickly. "I mean you weren't even a prefect." James shrugged.

"Don't worry about it," he said, but Remus could tell he was still a bit insulted.

"James, really, I am sorry," Remus said again. "Good on you though!" He smiled and clapped his friend on the back.

"Thanks," James said, this time with a grin. "And don't worry about it. I can't say I wasn't shocked myself. And guess who Head Girl is?"

"Lily," Remus said and James nodded.

"More time alone with her couldn't hurt, right?" James asked.

"Well, she's still dating Corner so," Remus trailed off at the look of glee on James' face.

"Nope, they broke up," he said.

"When?" Remus asked. James shrugged.

"Sometime this summer," he replied.

"How do you know?" Remus questioned.

"Because when I walked in here, they were staring daggers at each other," James explained. "I asked Lily how her summer was and she looked right at him and said 'It would have been lovely if it hadn't been for certain people'. Then Corner got up and left, told Smith to take notes for him. Lily must really not want him here, she didn't even take points." The gleeful smile had never left James' face. He rubbed his hands together. "With Corner gone, being Head Boy and all that stuff you told me last year, I think I might finally have a chance." Remus gave his friend a faint smile before he went and sat down on one of the benches.

It had been fine when James dating Lily had been an abstract concept. But now that Corner was out of the picture, it was an actual possibility. A remote one, Remus thought, given the way that Lily had always felt about James, but a possibility nonetheless. His insides twisted when he thought about James kissing Lily or, no don't think about that, he admonished himself.

Lily stood from the bench she had been sitting on, talking to the sixth-year Gryffindor prefects and walked to the front of the carriage. She gestured to James, who joined her. James smiled politely and indicated that Lily should begin. Lily rolled her eyes and started the beginning of term speech that Remus had heard twice before. Remus couldn't help but smirk at the eye roll Lily had given James. Perhaps he didn't have anything to worry about.

* * *

**13 October 1977**

Remus sat in a quiet corner of the library working on a Charms essay. He turned at the sound of a throat clearing. Lily stood in front of him. The two hadn't had much contact since the first day of school the previous year. They were polite when forced to make conversation, but neither sought the other out. So Remus was rather surprised by her appearance.

"May I sit?" Lily asked.

"Of course," Remus replied and Lily pulled out the chair across from him.

"How have you been?" Lily asked.

"All right," Remus replied. "You?" Lily shrugged.

"I broke up with David," she said. Remus nodded.

"So I heard," he replied. Lily drummed her fingers on the table until she was shushed by another student a few tables away. "Was there something that you wanted?" Remus finally asked, unable to stand the silence any longer.

"James asked me to Hogsmeade," she blurted out. Remus forced himself to remain still and keep his expression even.

"What did you say?" he asked.

"I told him I'd think about it," she admitted. Remus sighed.

"Why are you telling me this Lily?" he asked.

"Because," she said. "I want to make sure that you're okay with it."

"Why wouldn't I be? I broke up with you, remember," Remus said tiredly.

"Because he's your best mate," Lily snapped. "I'd certainly have a problem with it if you wanted to date Mary."

"Who you date is your own business," Remus said evenly. "Just as whom I date is mine."

"Are you dating someone?" Lily asked, almost possessively.

"You know that I'm not and you know why," Remus replied. Lily nodded.

"Safety, right," she said. 'No,' Remus wanted to scream. 'Because I'm still so in love with you it hurts.'

"So James then," Lily said.

"Like I said, that's your business," Remus replied. "But Lily, don't go out with him for the wrong reasons."

"And what would the wrong reasons be?" she asked. Remus shrugged.

"You said yourself, he is one of my best mates," Remus answered. Lily looked at him in confusion for a few moments before her eyes turned hard.

"You think this is about trying to make you jealous?" she demanded.

"I didn't say that," Remus insisted. "But if it is, that's not fair to James. Seeing you with Corner didn't change my mind, seeing you with James won't either."

"For your information," Lily retorted. "I happen to think that James has changed quite a lot. He's not the arrogant git he used to be."

"That's good then," Remus said. "I hope it all works out." He turned back to his essay so that Lily wouldn't see the hurt in his eyes.

"Remus," she said quietly, putting a hand to his arm. He closed his eyes and swallowed thickly, forcing himself to keep from covering her hand with his. Lily must have sensed it for she removed her hand and stood. "I'll see you later then." Remus nodded, unable to speak and kept his eyes on his parchment as she walked away.

When he was sure she had gone, he rested his forehead on his open Charms book and sighed. This was sure to be the longest year of his life.

* * *

**1 June 1978**

N.E.W.T.S. were fast approaching and the growing anxiety amongst the seventh years was becoming nearly unbearable. Not only was Remus anxious about his exams, he was also getting more and more discouraged about finding a job. Sirius and James had been conditionally accepted into the Auror's program, dependent on their exam scores and Lily had offers from a variety of Departments in the Ministry as well as been accepted into Healer training. There was no conditional acceptance for her, she was in if she wanted it, regardless of how N.E.W.T.S. went. Even Peter had a few possibilities, although no guarantees as of yet.

Remus, on the other hand, had been rejected by one department after another. He had been hopeful last week when he had gotten a second letter from the Department of International Magical Cooperation, who had actually allowed him to fill out an application, but it had been the same as all the others. Remus had resigned himself to the fact that he would probably not be hired in the magical world and had begun to think about the muggle one. He was even thinking of going to university and possibly getting his teaching certificate.

James and Sirius had argued against this, numerous owls going between James and his parents urging his father to speak to everyone he knew about Remus. While Remus appreciated this, he wasn't hopeful anything would come of it. Even if individual department heads had no problems with his lycanthropy, there was an underlying current of prejudice present within the Ministry that nearly guaranteed he would not get hired regardless.

And then there was James and Lily. The two had started dating not long after that initial Hogsmeade weekend in October. Remus was happy for both of them, but it was difficult to be around them. Lily tried to keep the public displays of affection to a minimum when Remus was around, but James had no such compunction, having no idea the feelings that Remus still harbored for Lily. And so, he avoided them as much as he could.

Remus trudged back from the library late one night, having taken advantage of the extended hours during exam times. Lily was sitting alone on the Marauders usual couch before the fire, reading her Transfiguration book. The only other occupants of the room were a small group of fifth years at a table on the other side of the room. Remus intended to continue on to his dorm, but he found himself walking towards the couch instead.

"Hi Lily," he said, sitting down in the chair across from her.

"Remus," she said, looking up in surprise. He hadn't initiated a conversation with her in over a year.

"How's the revising going?" he asked.

"All right," Lily said. "Are you just coming back from the library?" Remus nodded.

"Still plenty of people left in there, but I could barely keep my eyes open anymore," he explained. Then he yawned widely. "Sorry."

"Don't be," Lily smiled. "I feel the same way." The two sat in silence for a few moments. Lily sat up and closed her book, worrying her lip between her teeth as she looked at Remus.

"What?" he finally asked.

"Nothing, it's nothing," she said with a quick shake of her head. Remus could tell that she was lying.

"Tell me," he said.

"It's just, this sort of feels like old times, you know?" she explained. "When you and I used to just sit and talk about anything without any tension between us. I miss that."

"Yeah," Remus nodded sadly. "Me too."

"Maybe we could be friends like that again?" she said hopefully. Remus sighed. He knew he should have gone to bed. He glanced over at the fifth years who were busy gathering up their things. He waited until they had all gone up to their respective dorms before he answered Lily's question.

"I don't know why it's normal right now, but I don't think that would work Lily," he said.

"Because you still love me?" she asked quietly. He shrugged. She knew it was true, he didn't need to say it.

"Remus, I," she stopped, biting her lip.

"It's all right Lily, I know that you love James," Remus said, feeling as if his heart was being torn in two. "I'm glad, I really am."

"You're a horrible liar," Lily said with a choked laugh that sounded more like a sob. Remus snorted. He looked up at found her standing right in front of him. He hadn't even been aware that she'd moved.

"Lily what are you doing?" he asked.

"I'm not sure," she replied, but she didn't move away. She knelt down in front of him and put a hand on his knee. He closed his eyes and pulled in a breath. She was so close to him, all he had to do was reach out and grab her. She could be his again, he knew she could. It would kill James, but she could be his. They could leave and go away somewhere together where no one knew them and start over.

Lily had put her other hand on his other knee and was leaning in towards him. It would be so easy, Remus thought as he stared at her. He reached out and put his hands over hers. And then he removed her hands from his legs and gently pushed her backwards.

"You don't want to do this," Remus said. "It would kill James and I know that you don't want that." Lily sat back on her heels, staring at him.

"No, I don't," she agreed.

"Neither do I," Remus said. He stood from the chair and walked a few steps away from her. They looked at each other for a moment more and then Remus turned and walked up the stairs to his dorm.

* * *

**16 June 1978**

N.E.W.T.S. were over, much to the seventh years' delight. The Marauders had just met to plan one last enormous send-off prank and Remus was feeling rather happy at the moment. He had brooded about his encounter with Lily two weeks before for quite some time, but in the end, realized the decision he had made had been for the best.

As the four boys came in from the where they had been sitting and plotting near the lake, Lily hurried towards them, a stack of parchment clutched in her hands.

"Oh, good I've found you," she said breathlessly as if she'd recently been running.

"Hello beautiful," James replied, leaning down and kissing her. Remus looked away.

"Professor Dumbledore wants to see all of us after dinner," she continued after James' kiss. She handed each of them a piece of parchment.

"What about?" James asked without reading his note. Lily rolled her eyes.

"Read the note James," she said.

"Why, when I have you here to tell me what it says?" he asked cheekily.

"Lazy arse," Remus said under his breath. Lily giggled and James glared at his friend.

"I heard that," he said.

"Good," Remus replied with a smirk, opening his own note. There wasn't much more information than Lily had already given them, just a time and a request to come to his office.

"Do you think he knows?" squeaked Peter.

"About what?" Sirius asked.

"The, you know," Peter said, giving Sirius a significant look.

"If he knew about that why would he have asked Lily to come with us?" Sirius pointed out rolling his eyes.

"Oh, right," Peter said.

"Keep up Wormtail," Sirius said, giving the smaller boy a slap on the back. Peter's face reddened and he looked sheepish.

"Come on, we'll find out what he wants soon enough," Remus said. "I'm hungry." James threw an arm around Lily's shoulders.

"Lead on, Moony, lead on," he said and Remus just shook his head before walking towards the Great Hall.

* * *

The five Gryffindors sat speechless on the couches in front of the fire in the common room.

"What did we just do?" Sirius finally asked.

"I think," Remus said slowly. "That we just made our lives infinitely more difficult."

"Too right," James agreed.

"But we'll be doing something," Lily interjected. "Really and truly helping."

"True," Sirius acknowledged.

"But, we're just kids," Peter said. "Don't you think Professor Dumbledore will send out older people in the Order before he sends us?" Peter had been the least eager to join, only doing so once the rest of his friends had agreed.

"Shh, Wormtail," James hissed looking around to see who else was in the common room with them. "No one's supposed to know about it."

"Oh, right," Peter said, his beady eyes darting from corner to corner as if they were going to be set upon by Death Eaters at any moment.

Despite his earlier comment, Remus was ecstatic at their new status as members of Dumbledore's Order of the Phoenix. Given his dismal job prospects, Remus was just glad that he was going to be able to contribute to the war effort.

"What say we celebrate?" Sirius asked, gleam in his eye. Remus looked at him warily.

"Just what do you have in mind, Padfoot?" Remus asked knowing he was going to regret it.

"We sneak into Hogsmeade," Sirius said. "No one in the Hog's Head would ever rat us out and I doubt the teacher's ever go there."

"I'm in," James said instantly.

"James!" Lily admonished. "You're Head Boy."

"For another two days Lil," he said. "N.E.W.T.S. are over and it's not like anyone is going to give us detention the last two days of school. We're all of age." Lily didn't look convinced. "Come on, in a couple of weeks, we're all starting jobs or training and we'll be doing stuff for, you know. This might be our last chance to have some fun." Remus could tell Lily was wavering.

"I'm in," Remus said. Peter piped up in agreement as well. "Why don't you go get Mary," Remus suggested. "We'll just make sure we don't talk about where we were earlier this evening." Lily looked from one Marauder to the other, rolling her eyes at James' puppy dog face.

"Oh all right," she said, throwing her hands up in exasperation. "I'll be right back." Lily disappeared up the girls' stairs, reappearing a few minutes later, Mary in tow.

"All right, we'll meet in the passageway behind the statue of the humpback witch on the second floor," James said. "Let's go in pairs and everyone go a different way round. The password is dissendium," he told the girls.

They all reached the passageway without incident and were soon creeping through the cellar of Honeydukes and out onto the streets of Hogsmeade. When they reached the Hog's Head, the girls held back.

"Are you sure?" Mary asked. "It's so…dodgy." Sirius rolled his eyes.

"Come on Macdonald," Sirius said. "Are you a Gryffindor or not?" Mary glared at Sirius.

Fine, Black," she retorted. "Let's go." With that, she grabbed Lily's arm and hauled her into the pub, the boy's following behind laughing.

The barman raised an eyebrow when James ordered a round of Firewhiskeys for all of them, but served them nonetheless and soon they were ensconced at a table in one of the corners, the rounds of alcohol following one another in quick succession.

When Peter stood on his chair and slurred something about making a toast and then proceeded to pass out and fall off said chair, Remus thought that maybe it was time for them to leave.

"Come on Wormy, up you get," James said, hauling the shorter boy to his feet. "Time to go sleep it off." James snickered at the ridiculous dreamy expression on Peter's face. "Coming Lils?"

"I want to finish my drink," Lily said, nearly slurring herself. James looked at Remus and Sirius for help, but Sirius was currently attached to Mary's face, who was straddling his lap.

"Oi, get a room," James called and Sirius made a rude hand gesture, not relinquishing his hold on Mary's lips. Lily looked at the two and then looked at Remus and burst out laughing. Remus chuckled as well, knowing that Sirius had never told any of them about his liaison with Mary back in their 5th year.

"Remus can walk me back," Lily assured James.

"Okay Moony?" James asked and Remus nodded, smiling stupidly at Lily. "Right then." James leaned down and gave Lily a rather deep kiss of his own, then grabbed Peter and half dragged, half carried him from the pub. A few minutes later, Sirius finally detached himself from Mary and looked around.

"Where's Prongs?" he asked and Remus shook his head.

"Took Wormtail back up to school, Padfoot," Remus said. "Try and keep up."

"Oh, another round then?" Sirius asked and gestured to the barman.

"No more for you," the barman said. "You lot better get back up to the school." Remus looked around and noticed that the pub had gotten more crowded in the last hour and that most of the people in it were not those that Hogwarts students should be associating with.

"We'd better go Padfoot," Remus said. "Get the girls back."

"Spoil sport," Sirius muttered in the barman's direction, then turned back to Remus. "Yeah, all right," he said, then nudged Mary who was still on his lap. "Come on love, time to go back to school." Mary grinned and kissed Sirius again.

The four stood and left the pub, Mary and Sirius following behind Remus and Lily. Remus turned around once to check on his friend and immediately turned back. He really didn't need those images burned into his brain. Lily tripped on a stone in the road and Remus grabbed her arm to steady her. She looked up at him and laughed, her eyes sparkling. Remus smiled back.

"I'm not too steady on my feet," Lily giggled, wrapping her arm around Remus' and leaning into him. Truth be told, Remus was feeling a little light-headed himself, although whether from the alcohol or Lily's proximity, he wasn't sure. They walked on in silence for a few minutes before they reached Honeydukes. Remus was always shocked by how easy it was to get in and out of the store, even when it was closed. A simple 'alohomora' always worked on the door.

They made their way through the darkened shop, laughing and shushing each other until they got through the cellar trapdoor and back into the tunnel. When they reached the tunnel, Lily took hold of Remus' arm again and he lit his wand so they could see where they were going.

After a few feet, Remus no longer heard footsteps behind them and he turned back to see Sirius and Mary snogging against the wall. He shook his head with a snort and turned back to Lily.

"What?" she asked and Remus gestured behind them with his head. Lily giggled. "Should we interrupt?"

"No," Remus said. "They're safe enough in here and I really don't want to get any closer to see just what they're up to." Lily giggled again and the two of them continued on. Lily stumbled a few times on the uneven floor, but Remus always managed to catch her and keep her upright.

Just before they reached the entrance to the tunnel, Lily slipped again. Remus, who was concentrating on getting himself and Lily up the slippery slide to the witch statue, lost his balance and went tumbling down taking Lily with him. They landed in a heap on the floor, laughing hysterically.

Remus was flat on his back, Lily half on top of him and when she pushed herself up from the floor, her hair hung down in a curtain around his face. His grin slowly faded as he looked up at her. Unbidden, his hand rose to her face, cupping her cheek. Lily's face turned serious as she looked down at him.

"Remus," she whispered. Remus stared at her for a moment longer and then sat up quickly, pulling her into a kiss. Lily stiffened and Remus was about to pull away when she threw her arms around his neck and began kissing him back.

He probably would have sat there and kissed her for hours, consequences be damned, if he hadn't heard noises in the hall beyond them. He pulled back just as Lily moaned and looked at her, both of them panting heavily. The witch statue started to slide to the side and Remus stood quickly, pulling Lily up with him. James' head appeared in the tunnel, the rest of him covered by his invisibility cloak.

"There you are," he said, swaying a bit on his feet. "I was getting worried."

"We're fine James," Lily said, glancing at Remus from the corner of her eye.

"Where's Padfoot and Mary?" James asked, pulling his cloak from around him. Lily giggled.

"We left them at the back of the tunnel," Remus said, smirking. "They were rather, er, occupied." James laughed loudly. He took a few steps closer to them.

"We better stay here for a few minutes," James said. "Filch was behind me and," he trailed off, looking at Lily closely. "What happened to your lip? It's all red." Lily's hand instantly flew to her lips and the color drained from Remus' face.

"Um, I er," Lily began but Remus interrupted her.

"We fell," he blurted out.

"Yes, we fell and I bit my lip," Lily continued.

"Trying to get up the ramp here," Remus finished. James had been looking back and forth between the two of them and now he moved towards Lily, cupping the back of her head in his hand.

"Let me see," he said, but Lily shrugged him off.

"It's fine James," she insisted.

"It could be bleeding, Lils, let me see," James said again.

"It's _fine_, James," she said more forcefully. James stepped back, looking at her in confusion. "I'm just tired. Do you think it's safe yet?"

"Oh, right, let me check," James replied, walking back up the ramp and putting his ear to the back of the statue. Remus looked at Lily guiltily. She glanced at him and looked at the ground. "I don't hear anything," James said. "I'll go check." He put his cloak back around him and uttered the password, stepping out into the corridor.

"I'm sorry," Remus breathed near Lily's ear. She just shook her head. James' head popped back through the opening.

"Safe," he said and the two quickly walked up the ramp and into the corridor. "I wish we hadn't lost the map. This would be so much easier," James said.

"Well, we are Head Boy and Girl and Remus is a Prefect," Lily said. "We shouldn't get in too much trouble." The close call between her and Remus seemed to have sobered them both. James on the other hand was still all goofy grins and an occasional tripped step.

They made it back to the common room without incident. When they got inside, James pulled Lily into his embrace while Remus walked awkwardly around them.

"James, I'm tired," Lily said, pushing against his chest. Remus slowed his steps.

"Come on Lils," James whined.

"No James," Lily said more forcefully.

"Please," James said. Remus turned and saw that James still had Lily held tightly in his arms. Remus' fists clenched at his sides.

"James, I said no," Lily said loudly, pushing him again. Remus took a step forward ready to intervene.

"Aw, you're no fun," James said with a pout, finally releasing her. Remus stopped but continued to watch his friend warily.

"I'm going to bed," Lily said with finality, turning towards the stairs. She gave Remus a look he couldn't read as she passed by and then disappeared up the girls' stairs.

"What's up with her?" James asked, looking at Remus in confusion. Remus shrugged.

"Come on Prongs, you'd better go to bed," Remus said, taking his friend's arm and leading him to the stairs. "Everything will look different in the morning."

"Yeah, you're probably right," James said clapping Remus on the back. "You're a good friend Moony."

'If you only knew,' Remus thought remorsefully.

* * *

**17 June 1978**

The next morning, Remus rose early. Despite the amount of alcohol he had consumed the night before, his sleep had been fitful. James and Peter had snored on oblivious and Sirius was still missing when Remus arose. He made his way down to the common room and was surprised to find Lily there.

"Lily?" Remus questioned. "Is everything all right?"

"Mary didn't come back last night," Lily explained. "I was waiting for one of you to come down to see if she was with Sirius."

"He never came back either," Remus said.

"You don't suppose they're still in the tunnel?" Lily asked in astonishment.

"Either that or a broom closet somewhere," Remus said with a sigh. "We'd better go find them." Lily nodded and stood to follow Remus from the tower. They walked in silence until they had reached the statue of the witch.

"Remus wait," Lily said before he could utter the password. "About last night."

"You don't have to say anything Lily," Remus replied. "It was my fault. I never should have kissed you like that."

"I kissed you back," Lily said quietly.

"You'd had a lot to drink," Remus said.

"So did you," she reminded him.

"Still, I shouldn't have done it," he said.

"Do you really mean that?" she asked. Remus raised his head and looked her in the eye.

"I do," he said. Lily nodded and gestured to the statue. Remus spoke the password and the two of them slipped into the tunnel. They walked for quite a ways before Lily slowed.

"What's the matter?" Remus asked.

"What if they're, well," Lily trailed off, her face reddening.

"Not suitably clothed?" he finished with a smirk.

"I was actually thinking if they were in the middle of … something," she said. "But that too."

"Well, I'd probably be able to hear them if they were doing anything besides sleeping and I don't," he said.

"Well, what you said then," she replied.

"Considering the fact that I've seen Padfoot's naked arse more times than I care to admit, I'm not too concerned," he said and Lily laughed.

"Well, maybe, but there is Mary," Lily said.

"True," Remus admitted.

"Plus, there's always the position he's in," Lily continued, her face nearly redder than her hair. "I mean what if he's lying on his back or," she trailed off again, shaking her head, looking completely uncomfortable.

"Well, I could go on ahead and check," Remus said. "Although if Mary is, well, maybe not." They stood indecisively in the tunnel until finally Remus threw up his hands. "This is ridiculous," he said. "Wait here." He walked slowly to the bend in the tunnel and stopped.

"Padfoot," he called but there was no response. "Mary?" Again silence. Remus peeked around the corner and sighed in relief. While he did indeed have a shot of Sirius' naked bum, Mary was thankfully wrapped in her robes. Sirius looked to have been covered by his at one point as well, but they were now in a puddle at his feet. Remus turned back to Lily.

"I'll be right back," he said and then went around the corner and squatted down shaking his friend, pulling the robes up over him at the same time. "Padfoot, wake up." Sirius grunted in his sleep, his arms tightening around Mary once more. Remus sighed.

"Sirius, get up," he said. Sirius finally blinked his eyes and looked blearily at his friend.

"Moony?" he asked. "Where the hell am I?"

"Tunnel to Honeydukes," Remus replied. "Don't you remember what happened last night?" Sirius' brow furrowed.

"Oh the Hog's Head, right," he said. Then he looked down at the girl in his arms. "Shit." Remus rolled his eyes.

"Don't tell me you don't remember this," Remus said indicating Mary.

"No, I do," Sirius said. Remus looked at him skeptically. "I do!" Sirius insisted. Mary stirred in his arms. Sirius lowered his voice. "I just, it shouldn't have, forget it."

"Don't be a wanker Padfoot," Remus warned. "She's Lily's best friend."

"I won't," Sirius replied. Remus glared at him. "I _won't_, okay?"

"Fine, I'll just leave you to it then," Remus said standing up.

"Mary, wake up love," he heard Sirius say as he walked away. At least he was waking her gently. Remus only hoped he'd let her down just as gently.

"They're fine," Remus told Lily when he reached her. "Sirius is waking Mary up. They'll be back to the tower soon." Lily nodded and the two made their way back to the entrance of the tunnel. They walked back to Gryffindor tower in silence. When they reached the common room, which was still deserted, Lily turned to Remus again.

"Remus," she began, but Remus held up a hand.

"Lily, please don't say anything," Remus said. "It was a mistake, one I feel horrible about and one that will never happen again. Don't make it worse, please." Lily stared at him and Remus forced himself to meet her gaze. Her eyes shone with regret, but whether it was regret for the kiss or regret that they were no longer together, Remus wasn't sure. And truthfully, he didn't really want to know.

"I need some air," he said, turning on his heel and leaving the tower. As he made his way to the Entrance Hall, Remus stopped at the gargoyle statue in front of Dumbledore's office. He hesitated for a few moments before speaking the password and riding the stairs to the top.

The headmaster bid him to enter moments after Remus' knock. He stepped inside to find Professor Dumbledore seated behind his desk, going through a stack of parchment.

"Ah, Mr. Lupin," Dumbledore said genially. "What brings you here so early this morning?" His eyes twinkled madly and Remus was positive the man knew about their secret trip to Hogsmeade the night before. Shaking his head, Remus cleared his throat.

"I'd like a mission sir," he said. "One that would start as soon as possible after school gets out." Dumbledore sat back in his chair, contemplating the young man before him.

"And just what, may I ask, precipitated this request?" Dumbledore asked.

"All of my friends have training or positions waiting for them," Remus said. "I don't. I've thought of going to muggle university, but even if I did, that wouldn't start until the fall. I'd just like to do something now, sir." Dumbledore stared at him for so long, Remus nearly began squirming in his seat.

"This would not have anything to do with a certain red-headed young lady would it?" the headmaster asked and Remus' head snapped up. "The only reason that I ask is because I would not want you entering into anything dangerous if your thoughts were, elsewhere shall we say." Remus swallowed and looked at his lap for a moment before meeting his professor's gaze once more.

"I assure you, sir, that my thoughts will only be on whatever the task is at hand," Remus said calmly. Dumbledore stared at him for a few moments more.

"Very well," the old wizard finally said. "There is something that I have been thinking about. Something only you could do." Remus sat forward eagerly in his chair. "It will be extremely dangerous and put you in a position that I know you never intended, nor wanted, to be in." And then the headmaster laid out his plans to Remus.


	7. Heartbreak

**A/N - This will be the last chapter from the past. Next we move back to 1993 and POA. Enjoy! **

**Chapter 7**

**Heartbreak**

**25 December 1978**

Remus trudged through the snow to Sirius' cottage. He was exhausted and wanted nothing more than a shower and a sleep in a real bed. He had spent the last two hours with the headmaster, debriefing him on everything that had happened while Remus was gone. Remus had completely forgotten it was even Christmas, so immersed in the werewolf underground had he been.

His trip hadn't been all that successful. The werewolves hadn't trusted him at all at first and even once he'd gained a bit of that, none of them had any interest in what he'd had to say. Six months of transformations without his friends around had been excruciating, not to mention having to witness the repercussions of some of the werewolves' natural instincts the morning after the full moon. Remus' stomach turned over as some of the memories floated to the surface. He shoved them back down, forcing himself to concentrate on putting one foot in front of the other.

When he reached the door and knocked, Remus could hear voices inside. He swore under his breath, not wanting to have to deal with anyone but Sirius tonight. The door flew open and Remus saw the last person he needed to see.

"Remus!" Lily exclaimed before throwing her arms around him. Remus couldn't help it. He let himself sink into her softness and sighed. He hadn't been touched in anything but an aggressive way in six months. Remus probably would have continued to cling to her had Sirius not come up behind her.

"Merlin Moony, you look like shite!" his friend said and Lily released Remus, stepping back to look at him properly.

"Remus, where have you been?" she questioned, but then James was there.

"Let the man in for Merlin's sake," James said with a grin, clapping his friend on the shoulder. He frowned when he realized how thin Remus was. Remus shuffled inside, not surprised to see Peter standing a few feet behind the group, looking at his friends worriedly.

"I'm sorry to interrupt," Remus said.

"Don't be stupid, Moony," Sirius said. "We've all been worried about you."

"Come on, sit down," Lily said, taking his arm and towing him toward the couch.

"No," Remus protested. "I'm filthy." He turned to Sirius. "Can I get a shower?"

"Sure Moony," Sirius said, leading his friend into a bedroom with an attached bathroom. "There's towels and everything in there. Let me get you some clean clothes." Sirius disappeared into what Remus assumed was his own bedroom while Remus began to peel his grimy, stinking clothes from his body. He was down to just his pants when Sirius returned.

"Sirius," he said as his friend laid a pile of clothes on the bed. "Do me a favor?"

"Anything Moony," Sirius said, turning to look at his friend and grimacing at the emaciated form before him.

"Burn those," Remus said, gesturing to the pile of clothes on the floor. Sirius nodded. Remus turned to go into the bathroom, but Sirius called him back.

"Remus, what happened to you?" Sirius asked. Remus regarded his friend for a moment.

"I can't tell you Padfoot," he said apologetically. "And believe me, you wouldn't want to hear about it anyway." And then Remus shut the bathroom door and turned on the shower. He climbed in and sighed at the warmth of the water as it cascaded down his body. As he looked down and watched the rivulets of dirt and grime run down the drain, Remus began to weep, his tears joining the filth on the floor of the shower.

When he finally felt clean, which took three scrubbings, Remus donned the clothes Padfoot had left for him and with a deep breath, joined his friends once again.

"Remus, sit down," Lily said gesturing to the kitchen table. "I've made you some food."

"You didn't have to," Remus protested, but Lily shushed him and Remus let himself be led to a chair. Lily put a steaming plate down in front of him and he dug into it quickly. When Sirius came and sat next to him, Remus wrapped an arm around his plate and pulled it closer to himself, glaring at Sirius. Sirius put his hands up in front of him.

"Relax Moony, I'm not going to try and steal your food," Sirius said with a laugh, but Remus could see the confusion in his eyes. Remus forced himself to sit up straight and slow down his eating. James and Sirius exchanged a glance and Lily bit her lip worriedly.

"Sorry," Remus said with a sheepish grin. "Guess the last moon is still affecting me a bit."

"That was four days ago," James said with a frown. Remus shrugged.

"It was a harder one than usual," he said. "So how's Auror training?"

"Don't do that Remus," James said and Remus gave him a questioning look. "Don't try and change the subject."

"Prongs," Remus said with a sigh and shook his head. "I can't tell you."

"Why not?" Lily demanded.

"Because Dumbledore told me not to," Remus said.

"We won't tell anyone," Peter insisted.

"You know you can trust us Moony," James added. Remus shook his head.

"I can't, I'm sorry," Remus said, starting to get agitated with both their proximity and their questions.

"We're your best mates Remus," Sirius protested.

"I know!" Remus roared, rising from the table so quickly that he knocked over his chair. Lily jumped. "Don't you think I want to tell you? Don't you think I want to get rid of it? Everything I did, everything I saw. But I can't! I can't and I won't! I don't want you to know, I don't want, I don't," Remus turned and stared at his friends, his eyes wild, his breath coming in heaves. He spun and ran for the door, throwing it open and making it outside just in time to lose the contents of his stomach. He stood retching in the snow and he could hear their voices inside. Arguing about who should come out and talk to him, no doubt.

He was still bent double, his hands resting on his knees, gulping in breaths of clean winter air, when someone came out of the cottage. He was surprised to see it was Lily. She pulled the door shut behind her and cast a privacy bubble around them.

"You don't have to do this Lily," Remus said, finally standing upright. "Just go back inside."

"No," Lily said. She took a few steps towards him and silently enveloped him in her arms once again. Remus stood stiffly as her arms tightened around him. Finally, when he realized she had no intention of letting go, he relaxed into her embrace, his own arms coming round her waist.

"I'm sorry," she whispered. "I know you don't want to tell me, but I'm sorry for everything you went through, for whatever you had to do." Remus' breath hitched in his throat. Lily's arms tightened around him further. "But you're here now, you're back with us and you're safe Remus. It's all right." With the last, Remus could hold back no longer. He clung to Lily and sobbed. She rubbed his back and whispered in his ear and when he had finally quieted, he stayed in the circle of her arms, too embarrassed to look at her.

"Remus," she finally said. He pulled away reluctantly and looked at her. "I know that you can't tell us where you were but," she paused biting her lip. "You don't have to go back, do you?" Remus sighed and turned away from her, scrubbing a hand down his face.

"Not right now, no," he finally said.

"What do you mean, not right now?" she asked.

"Lily, please, just, I can't say," he replied.

"Why can't Professor Dumbledore send someone else?" she demanded.

"Because, he just can't," Remus said evasively. Lily's eyes hardened.

"It's the werewolves, isn't it?" she nearly hissed. Remus forced himself not to react. "Don't bother trying to lie, I know that's it. That's the reason only you can go." Remus' silence was enough of an answer. "Damn that man!"

"Lily!" Remus exclaimed in surprise.

"What?" she snapped. "Look, you've been gone these last six months, but we've been going to every meeting. I'm not denying that he's a great wizard and a good leader, but he's always looking at the big picture and never how what he does is going to affect everyone individually. He wants the werewolves on his side, so he sends you in to try and convince them. No matter how hard it will be for you, never having lived as one of them."

"Lily," Remus said, but she ignored him.

"How can he expect you to go in and act like a feral werewolf? How does he expect the rest of them will trust you when they know that you've lived as a wizard all this time? How," but Remus cut her off by grabbing her arms.

"Lily, I asked him to send me," Remus said.

"Wh-what?" she said in shock. Remus sighed and let go of her.

"After what happened between us that night after the Hog's Head," Remus said quietly. "I went to him and told him to send me somewhere, that I wanted a mission."

"You, you did this because of me?" she questioned.

"No, I did this because I didn't trust myself around you anymore," Remus replied.

"Damn it Remus!" Lily cried. "Why didn't you just apply to university like you said you were going to? You could have been busy with classes and I'm so busy with healer training we would have barely seen each other anyway. It's not like at school where we lived in the same tower. Why did you have to go to these lengths?"

"Because I still would have seen you!" Remus shouted, thankful now that Lily had thought to cast the privacy charm. "Maybe not every day or even every week, but you still would have been there! And every time I have to see James kiss you or wrap his arm around you it makes me ill. I want to beat him to a pulp and grab you and snog you senseless!"

"Then why don't you!" Lily yelled back. Remus instantly deflated.

"Because I can't and you know the reasons," he said sadly. "Reasons that are compounded now, given where I've been. You were right Lily, they didn't trust me. I left because they nearly killed me at the last full moon."

"Then why, in Merlin's bloody name, are you going back?" Lily demanded.

"They're not the only pack in England," Remus said with a shrug. "I'll try another." Lily gaped at him. "You cannot tell anyone what I'm doing. You know that James and Sirius would never let me go."

"Then I think that's exactly what I should do," Lily said flippantly and Remus was on her in a second. He grabbed her upper arms and shook her slightly.

"You cannot tell them," Remus warned. "I'll obliviate you if I have to." Lily blanched. Remus let her go and took a step back, disgusted with himself. Lily stared at him for a few moments then shook her head defiantly.

"I don't keep secrets from my fiancée," she said. The word hit Remus in the gut like a bludger.

"Fiancée?" he managed. Lily held out her left hand and Remus saw the diamond and emerald ring that adorned it.

"He asked me last night," Lily said.

"Congratulations then," Remus said dully. "But I meant what I said. I will obliviate you." Lily stared at him for what seemed like an eternity.

"Fine then," she finally said and Remus nodded. Lily cancelled the charm and turned to go back into the cottage. When she reached the door, she stopped and turned back to Remus. "You're not the person I used to know Remus," she said quietly and Remus snorted. "Maybe I never knew you at all." And then she went back inside, closing the door quietly behind her.

Remus looked up at the sky and blinked. He had no intention of actually obliviating Lily. He would have never been able to bring himself to do it, but at least he'd convinced her that he was capable of it. It hurt that she had believed him so readily; he wasn't going to deny that. But it was better that she was disappointed in him and alive, than the alternative.

He turned to go back inside before someone else came out looking for him. He would spend a few days resting here and then go back to Dumbledore for his next assignment. It was better this way, he told himself. The more he was away from Lily, the better. Eventually, he might even stop loving her. '_Yeah, right,'_ that annoying voice in his head said. Remus shoved it back down where it belonged and went opened the door, apologizing to his friends before he'd even crossed the threshold.

* * *

**20 October 1979**

Remus knocked on the door of the flat, then whispered the charm to let himself in, as was their custom when they visited James and Lily. He had been back from his second werewolf mission for about three months, Dumbledore insisting he needed time to rest and regroup before going back out again. The old man had even made insinuations that he might not send Remus back. Remus had only been a bit more successful the second time. The pack had accepted him a bit more readily than the first, which Remus knew was because he knew what to expect this time. He hadn't been able to turn them to the light, but he was almost sure he'd convinced them to remain neutral. It was something, Dumbledore had said, but Remus could tell the man was disappointed. Remus agreed to wait until at least after James and Lily's wedding to think about going undercover once again. He'd gotten a job at a muggle warehouse in the meantime.

When he'd returned, he wasn't surprised to find that Lily had moved in with James shortly after Christmas. The argument they had seemed to have been forgotten, for she had greeted him warmly enough. He had managed to apologize to her a few days later for his threat and she had accepted with a smile, saying that she knew he couldn't have done it in the end. They were friends again, almost like they had been in school, but there was still an undercurrent of something there. Remus still wanted her every time he looked at her, but he had gotten better at hiding it. Lily loved James, that much Remus knew. Whether she was still in love with him as well, Remus didn't know. Perhaps she had gotten better at hiding things too. Remus hung up his cloak in the hall and looked around the quiet room.

"Prongs?" he called. "Padfoot?" There was no answer. Frowning, Remus walked from the entry into the living room, looking around.

"Remus?" he heard Lily say as she came from the bedroom. "What are you doing here?" Remus looked at her in confusion.

"We're supposed to get fitted for our robes today. Remember?" he replied.

"Didn't you get James' owl?" she asked. Remus shook his head. "I'm sorry Remus, but James and Sirius got called out on an assignment. James owled to let you know that they changed the fitting to tomorrow."

"Oh," Remus replied. Just then there was a tap at the window and Lily opened it to let James' owl come through. He flew to Remus and landed on his shoulder, holding out his leg and glaring at Lily, as if she shouldn't have sent him out in the first place if the person he was looking for was already here. Remus chuckled as he took the note and Lily laughed as well.

"Sorry about that," she said with a smile.

"It's all right," Remus returned, heart catching at how beautiful she was when she smiled. "I'll just go then."

"Don't be ridiculous," Lily admonished. "You've come all this way, the least I can do is give you tea." Remus stood and looked at her, warring with himself. The moon had been only two days ago and the wolf was still there, hovering under the surface. He knew he should leave, that he would probably regret it if he stayed, but he couldn't force the words from his mouth.

"All right," he finally said. Lily smiled and brushed past him on her way to the kitchen. Remus' eyes closed and he pulled in a breath, letting it out slowly and forcing himself to sit down in an armchair instead of following her into the small room where he wanted to, don't think about that, he told himself.

Lily returned a few minutes later with a tray of tea and biscuits. She poured and made his the way she knew he liked it and then sat down on the couch across from him.

"So how's the warehouse?" she asked. Remus shrugged.

"It's work," he replied. "Nothing too difficult and I've gotten quite adept at a wandless feather-light charm. That helps." She laughed a bit. "What about the wedding?" he asked.

"There are more last minute details than I thought and Petunia's being horrible as usual," Lily sighed. "Thank goodness I have Mary and my mum and Mrs. Potter or I think I'd have gone mad by now."

"What's Petunia's problem?" Remus asked, a bit more sharply than he intended. He'd never liked Lily's older sister, not from the first time he'd met her, and Petunia seemed to have gotten worse over the years.

"Oh, you know, the same old thing," Lily said with a shrug. "We're all a bunch of freaks, she refuses to come to the wedding every other day, let alone be in it. We may very well be a bridesmaid short when we get right down to it."

"Oh, don't worry about that," Remus said, trying to cheer her up. "Pete and I can escort each other if we have to." Lily didn't say anything and Remus looked over at her in concern. He was shocked to see tears in her eyes. Without even thinking about it, he moved to the couch and put an arm around her, pulling her to his side.

"It's all right, Lily," he said soothingly. "Even if Petunia doesn't come around, you'll still have the perfect wedding." She looked up at him, lower lip trembling. "You'll be the most beautiful bride anyone's ever seen," he whispered. They sat, staring at each other for what seemed like an eternity, tears sparkling on the lashes of Lily's eyes. Remus brought a hand up to her face and touched her lashes with a finger, catching a tear there. Lily's breath caught as she stared at him and time seemed to stop. While everything in his head screamed for him to move away, he couldn't help lowering his face to hers and capturing her lips with his own.

The moment their lips touched all of his hard-battled resolve failed. A dam broke somewhere and the next thing Remus knew, his hands were cupping her face and his tongue was dancing with hers. He groaned and she sighed, gripping his neck tightly. He devoured her lips until he couldn't breathe and then moved to her neck, kissing and nipping his way to her shoulder.

"Remus," she gasped and he pulled away to look at her. Her eyes were heavy-lidded with desire and he knew his were the same. Still, he managed to force himself to let go of her and move back.

"Lily," he said, unable to say anything else. He needed to get up, needed to leave now, but he felt inexplicably glued to the couch. Lily stared at him, panting heavily, before launching herself back towards him. Somehow she managed to straddle his lap and pulled him into another searing kiss. "Lily," he mumbled, but she gently bit his bottom lip and he was gone.

They pulled frantically at each other's clothes until she was gloriously bare in front of him. She ground her hips into his lap and growling, he flipped them so she lay beneath him. Her skin was soft as silk and his hands and lips moved across every inch of her until he could hold back no longer. Staring into her eyes, they joined together, moving in perfect rhythm until he heard her scream his name. He followed quickly after and then collapsed next to her, lightly kissing whatever part of her he could reach as their breathing slowly returned to normal.

When it did, reality crashed back down with it. He closed his eyes in shame and quickly pulled away from her. He turned his back and picked up her clothes where they lay on the floor, passing them to her over his shoulder. He dressed quickly himself, not daring to look at her until she spoke.

"Remus," she whispered and he finally turned around. Her lips were swollen and red, her neck marked by his teeth. Her hair was wild around her head and her skin was flushed, from embarrassment or their recent activity, he couldn't tell.

"Lily, I'm sorry, I," he trailed off, rubbing the back of his neck nervously. "What have I done?"

"It wasn't just you," she said quietly. "We're both to blame." Remus shook his head.

"I should have had more control," he said. "I kissed you first. If I hadn't," he shook his head again, looking away from her once more.

"If you hadn't, I would have," she said defiantly. He looked up at her in shock. "This has been building for a long time, Remus."

"What are you saying?" he asked, not sure he wanted to hear the answer.

"Can you honestly tell me that you aren't still in love with me?" she demanded. He looked away. "Dammit, Remus, I know you are and you know I love you."

"It doesn't matter," he said.

"You mean you don't matter!" Lily shouted. "When are you going to stop putting yourself last Remus?" He raised his head and looked her in the eye.

"When I stop being a danger to everyone around me," he said evenly.

"That's the biggest pile of rubbish I've ever heard," she snapped. Before she could continue, Remus was across the room and held her upper arms tightly in his hands.

"No, it's not!" he snarled. "You know what Greyback did to my mother. I won't have it happening to you! And with everything I've done for Dumbledore these last months, you'd be in even bigger danger! I will not lose you Lily, I can't!" He stepped back from her and released her arms before he did something else he shouldn't.

"You'll marry James," he said quietly. "You'll marry James and have lots of little Gryffindors and forget about loving me." She stared at him and he watched a myriad of emotions cross her face, anger and defiance, hurt and sadness and finally guilt.

"James," she whispered and Remus nodded. "Oh god, James. What have I done?" She sank down onto the couch, head in her hands. "What am I going to tell him?" she asked miserably.

"Nothing," he said. "You're not going to tell him anything. I'll go and talk to Albus, he can send me back out on another mission. I won't come to the wedding, I," but Lily interrupted him.

"No!" she exclaimed. "No, you have to come. He'll be suspicious if you don't. Please Remus." Remus sighed.

"All right," he relented. He could never disappoint her. He looked her in the eye again. "I'll obliviate you if you want me to."

"Sorry?" she said.

"I'll obliviate you and you can forget all about it happening. You'll never know and you won't have to worry about hurting James."

"No," she said, shaking her head, but he could see her mind warring with itself, thinking of how easy it would be just to forget.

"Lily," he began.

"No!" she said with more conviction this time. "No, Remus, I don't want to forget. It's not fair for you to shoulder this alone."

"I would you know," he said.

"I know and that's exactly why you shouldn't," she replied.

"This won't happen again," he said.

"No, it won't," she returned, and a part of him thought she almost sounded disappointed.

"Tell James that I'll meet them at Madame Malkin's tomorrow," he said. She nodded. Remus swallowed thickly. "Good-bye Lily," he whispered and then placed a kiss on her temple, hurried to the door and grabbed his cloak before leaving the flat. The door had barely closed behind him before he glanced around and seeing no one, apparated away as quickly as he could.

* * *

**15 April 1980**

Remus let himself into the cottage, looking around for Padfoot. His friend was nowhere to be found, so Remus assumed he was either at work or off doing something for Dumbledore. Remus sighed and shook off his tattered cloak, leaving it in a heap by the fireplace. He'd burn it later when he found some energy. Dragging himself to the kitchen, he left a note for Sirius letting him know he was back and then somehow made it to the loo for a shower. Once out, he dried off and collapsed on his bed, asleep nearly before his head hit the pillow.

When he awoke, he heard voices coming from the kitchen. Cocking an ear, he recognized James and Sirius. Sighing, Remus rolled over onto his back hoping he'd be able to face his friend.

The wedding had been difficult. Remus had plastered a smile on his face and somehow made it through. He and Lily had avoided each other as best they could, although Remus had danced with her once, as had been expected of him. They hadn't talked much, he simply reveled in the feel of her in his arms, knowing it would be the last time. Three days after Lily and James had left on their honeymoon, Remus had gone back underground.

And now he was back, once again unsuccessful in getting any of the packs to commit to Dumbledore. They hadn't agreed to commit to Voldemort either, however, and that's what kept Remus going back. If he could at least convince them to remain neutral, that was something.

Deciding he could avoid his friends no longer, Remus rose and threw on some clothes. He walked out into the main room a few moments later.

"Moony!" Sirius exclaimed, coming forward to hug his friend.

"Hey, Padfoot," Remus replied with a smile. "Prongs." James grinned widely and the look made Remus' insides twist in guilt. Before anyone could say anymore, the floo roared to life and an agitated Lily Evans, no Lily Potter, stepped through.

"James, what's the urgent business I just had to come over f-," her voice trailed off as she caught sight of Remus standing in the kitchen. "Remus," she whispered, one hand lowering to rest on her belly, her obviously pregnant belly. Remus' mouth dropped open. He glanced at James who was grinning with glee.

"That's right Moony, little Prongs Jr. is on his way," James said. Remus looked back at Lily who hadn't said anything.

"When?" Remus managed, hoping his voice sounded normal.

"Beginning of August," James replied. He'd moved behind Lily and wrapped his arms around her, resting his hands on her stomach. "I work quickly." He winked at Remus and Lily rolled her eyes. Sirius laughed and Remus somehow managed a smile.

"Well, congratulations then," Remus said, locking eyes with Lily for a mere moment. She looked away quickly and Remus swallowed hard again.

"I think this calls for a celebration!" Sirius declared. "Moony is back, Prongs is having a kid. What do you say Moony?"

"Sure, Padfoot, whatever you want," Remus replied.

"How about it Prongs, takeaway from the Leaky?" Sirius asked.

"Sure Pads," James said with a smile. "Everybody want their usual?" Three nods and James stepped back through the floo.

"We're out of Firewhiskey," Sirius said checking the cupboards. "I'll be back." He disappeared through the floo a moment later.

Remus looked at Lily from across the room. He didn't want to ask her, didn't want to remind her, but he had to know.

"Is it mine?" he asked quietly and Lily's head snapped up.

"No," she said.

"How can you be sure?" Remus asked. "The timing, it's," he trailed off.

"The baby isn't yours Remus," she insisted, a little too emphatically Remus thought. "It can't be."

"Can't be or you don't want it to be?" Remus said. He stayed in the kitchen, knowing he couldn't get any closer to her. "I know I didn't cast the charm and I didn't hear you do it either."

"I was on the potion," Lily said, raising her chin in defiance. "It didn't wear off until a few days after the wedding." Remus couldn't say anything else because Sirius had returned. Sirius looked back and forth between the two of them suspiciously.

"Everything all right?" he asked.

"Fine," Lily replied, smiling at him. "I hope you didn't forget something for me." Sirius glanced at Remus again.

"Of course not Lils," Sirius said with a grin. He began to empty his pockets, enlarging the contents. "I've got a bottle of cider right here." He opened the bottle and took a glass down from the cupboard. Lily glanced at Remus, pleading look on her face and Remus nodded. He would accept her explanation. James returned a few minutes later and the four sat down to eat.

"Where's Peter?" Remus asked, finally registering the absence of the fourth Marauder.

"Haven't seen much of him lately," Sirius admitted. "He's been busy with work and his mum's been sick I guess."

"What about you Moony?" James asked. "Are you staying home for a while now?"

"A bit," Moony replied and Lily looked down at her plate. "I'm not sure how long, depends on when Albus wants me to go back."

"Can't tell us what you're doing yet?" Sirius questioned.

"Sorry, Padfoot," Remus said ruefully.

"Well, whatever it is, I think you should quit," Lily spoke up, surprising Remus. "You look worse every time you come back."

"Gee, thanks, Lily," Remus replied.

"I mean it Remus," Lily continued. "I'm worried about you. We all are."

"She's right mate," James agreed. "You look like you've been starved every time you come back here."

"I'm doing my part, just like the rest of you," Remus said shrugging.

"Yes, but," Lily began, but James put a hand on her arm. She glared at him, but she didn't say anything else.

"Let's talk about something else," Remus suggested. "How's work?" he asked Sirius. Sirius went into a long story about a raid he and James had been sent out on the week before and the dinner continued with no more talk of Remus.

* * *

Later when James and Lily had left, Remus sat in front of the fire, staring gloomily into its depths. Sirius sat down on the chair next to him.

"What's going on Moony?" Sirius asked.

"What do you mean?" Remus replied.

"I saw the way you looked at Lily when you saw that she was pregnant," Sirius said. "And there was something going on when I got back with the firewhiskey. I could feel it."

"It's nothing, Padfoot," Remus said tiredly.

"Don't lie to me Remus, you're not good at it," Sirius replied. "There's something going on and I'm pretty sure I know what it is." Remus' heart nearly stopped. Sirius couldn't know because if he did, Remus would not still be in one piece.

"Oh really? Why don't you enlighten me," Remus said.

"You're thinking about what could have been," Sirius said quietly. Remus remained silent. "I know you're still in love with her, it's written all over your face every time you look at her." Remus glanced sharply at Sirius. "Don't worry, James has no clue. Now if he'd known about the two of you, then he probably would, but he doesn't think you feel anything for each other but friendship."

"Thank Merlin for that," Remus said.

"So it's true then?" Sirius asked.

"I suppose," Remus replied, thinking that going with Sirius' theory was much better than the alternative.

"I'm sorry Moony," Sirius said sadly. Remus shrugged.

"It was my decision," Remus replied. "I've got no one to blame but myself."

"Oh, I don't know, Greyback seems like a pretty good choice" Sirius said angrily. Remus gave him a rueful smile. The two friends sat in silence for quite some time, nursing their last glasses of firewhiskey and staring at the fire.

* * *

**31 July 1980**

"Lily's in labor," James' voice called out. Remus turned to the floo to see his friend's head floating there. "Moony, meet us at St. Mungo's and find Wormtail. Padfoot is with me."

"All right Prongs," Remus replied as James disappeared. Remus wrote a quick note to Peter, the whistled for Sirius' owl and attached it to his leg. Then he left the cottage and apparated to St. Mungo's.

It wasn't until Remus had hurried up to the maternity floor that he realized what the date was. He knew what Lily had told him and he knew that few babies were born on their actual due date, but the baby was nearly two weeks early. He stopped mid-step as he thought about the implications.

Sirius joined him moments later and the two sat, waiting nervously for news. James came out of the room that Lily was in a few times to give them updates, but Remus didn't really pay much attention. His heart was pounding too fast and too loud to hear much of anything. And then finally, the last time James emerged, he had a huge grin on his face.

"It's a boy!" he crowed. Sirius and Remus grinned, slapping each other and James on the back. Peter came puffing in seconds later.

"Did I miss it?" he asked.

"Nearly, Wormtail," Sirius admonished. "It's a boy." Peter smiled and congratulated James.

"Mr. Potter," the healer called a few minutes later. "You can all come in now if you like." James motioned to his friends who followed him into the room. Lily was holding a small bundle wrapped in a blue blanket with a tiny cap upon his head. She smiled widely at them and Remus could see the tears in her eyes.

"Meet Harry James Potter," she said and held the baby up a bit to face them. Harry blinked a few times and then his eyes opened fully and they all gasped. Lily's eyes were looking back at them.

"He's beautiful," James said, sitting down next to his wife and putting an arm around her. "He's got your eyes." Lily laughed a little and kissed James' cheek.

"I think he looks like you," Lily said.

"How can you tell?" Peter asked. "His face is all red and scrunched up." Sirius elbowed Peter in the ribs. "What?"

"You're such an idiot Wormtail," Sirius said and Peter scowled. "How about his hair? Does he have any?" Sirius reached for the cap, but Lily slapped his hand.

"Don't you dare, Sirius Black," she ordered. "He'll catch cold."

"Aw, come on Lils, just for a second," Sirius pleaded.

"No," Lily insisted. "Besides, if you want to know what his hair looks like, just take a look at James."

"He's got my hair?" James asked.

"Yes," Lily said, rolling her eyes. "Sticks up every which way and everything." Remus hadn't said anything, but upon hearing this, he felt more disappointed than he thought he had a right to. He was wishing that his best friend's son was really his, after all. What kind of horrible person was he?

"He's perfect Lily," he finally said.

"Thank you Remus," Lily replied. And for a split second, Remus thought he saw something pass in her eyes. Regret perhaps? But then it was gone and Remus couldn't be sure if it had ever been there at all.

Later that evening when he was back at the cottage, Sirius having gone in to work the night shift, a letter arrived, via Fawkes. Remus took it, already knowing what it was going to say. Two days later, he was gone again, back underground with the werewolves.

* * *

**1 November 1981**

Remus ran towards the house. It couldn't be true. He wouldn't believe it until he saw it with his own eyes. They couldn't be gone, they just couldn't. He turned the corner and skidded to a halt as the smoking ruin of James and Lily's house appeared before him. He sucked in a breath and stared directly into the lounge through the missing front wall. The second story had partially collapsed into the first, the floor of James and Lily's bedroom slanted toward the ground, the furniture there having slid down and landed in a heap in the kitchen below. He fell to his knees and turned and retched into the street.

Finally forcing himself to stand, he moved forward on shaky legs, holding his breath as he continued to survey the damage. When he finally reached the house, he stopped at what had once been the front door, but was now just a gaping hole. Gas explosion was what the muggles in town had been told and Remus could understand why. He'd seen pictures of the aftermath of muggle bombs and the house looked eerily similar.

He picked his way through the debris, to the stairs. He looked to his right and knew that James had died just there, trying to protect Lily and Harry. Remus was sure that James would have told her to take Harry and run. Why hadn't she? Sweet Merlin why hadn't she listened? There had been anti-apparition wards on the house, of course, but Lily would have only had to make it a short distance through the back garden and she could have disapparated. Instead, she'd fled upstairs to Harry's room.

Remus climbed the stairs, oblivious to the fact that they could collapse at any moment, and made his way to the nursery. The scorch mark on the floor was the only indication that anyone had died here. Remus sunk to his knees once more and ran his hand across the spot where Lily must have fallen protecting Harry. He put his face in his hands and began to sob.

Rocking back and forth, he sobbed and screamed and raged, not caring who might hear him. When he was spent and lay in a heap on the floor, he wondered idly if Dumbledore had already put some kind of wards in place to keep the muggles away. Given the commotion he had made, Remus fully expected someone to have shown up by now.

He didn't know how long he lay on the floor of Harry's ruined room, but when he finally sat up, the sun was beginning to set. He ran a hand along the spot in front of Harry's cot, then kissed his fingers and pressed them lightly to the floor. He forced himself to his feet and walked back down the creaking stairs, turning into the kitchen. James and Lily's wardrobe was there, the doors flung open, the contents scattered. Remus searched through the rubble until he found what he was looking for. The small box where Lily kept the pendant he had given her in 5th year. Remus opened the box and stared at the necklace inside, the larger heart with the smaller one inside it. Tears began to flow again as he closed the box and wrapped his hand around it.

"Lily," he whispered before he turned and disappeared with a pop.

* * *

The next weeks were a blur to Remus as he was rarely sober. He'd lost everything in a mere 24 hours, two of his best friends dead, one by the hand of the third, who rotted now in Azkaban. Little Harry had been taken and given to Petunia of all people. Remus had begged the headmaster to give Harry to him, to let him raise the boy as he knew James and Lily would have wanted, but the old man refused. Remus wouldn't be allowed, he said, and Harry needed some kind of blood protection only Petunia could give him. And Lily, his beautiful Lily, gone now, forever.

He laughed manically at the irony of the situation. He had rejected the one woman he loved more than life itself because he was afraid he would put her in danger. He was afraid that his lycanthropy or his enemies would harm her. With James she would be safe. He snorted. It seemed to him that the universe delighted in making him suffer.

Remus finally pulled himself somewhat together, just before the next full moon. He knew this one would be brutal. Lily was gone, his friends were gone, the cub was gone. Remus had lost his pack and the wolf _would_ punish him, of that he had no doubt. Remus welcomed it actually and as he transformed back into the man the morning after the moon, he lay in the pools of his own blood, refusing to heal or help himself. There was nothing keeping him here. He could join Lily and James and Peter and be at peace, finally.

'Oh no you don't, Moony,' he heard in his head, in a voice that sounded remarkably like Prongs. 'Harry needs you.'

"Harry's with Petunia," Remus mumbled aloud. "Can't have him anyway."

'You think I want that hag raising my son?' Prongs asked incredulously. 'Even if you can't get him back, Remus, he'll need you when he goes off to Hogwarts. Who's going to teach him all of our pranks?'

"No, Prongs, can't," Remus said tiredly. His eyelids were closing. "No one left."

'Moony, get off your lazy arse and heal up your cuts,' Prongs demanded. 'It's not your time Moony. Harry is going to need you.'

"Harry," Remus whispered. And with a supreme effort, he managed to drag himself to his wand and heal the worst of his wounds. He somehow crawled out of the cellar and made it to the fireplace. Throwing in a bit of floo powder, he called out for Madame Pomfrey's office and then promptly passed out.

He didn't see the matron look at the empty floo in confusion or finally stick her head in to see what had happened. He didn't see her eyes widen at the condition he was in, nor did he feel her levitate him into his bed or see her heal the rest of his cuts. He didn't know that she spelled potions into his stomach and sat by his bedside, keeping a two-day vigil. All he knew when his eyes fluttered open and he saw her sitting there was that he had done what Prongs asked. He had lived. For Harry.


	8. Secrets Revealed

**A/N - Hi everyone! This chapter is a bit shorter than the previous ones, but this was a good place to cut it. There are two chapters left after this one. Thursday is the 4th of July and I will be out of town, so this will be the only chapter this week. The next will be up next Monday, the 8th. Thank you to FaultyFox for the review and I'd love to hear what everyone else thinks! **

**Chapter 8**

**Secrets Revealed**

**1 September 1993**

As Remus came back to himself, he realized that not only was it dark, but that the compartment had grown very cold. He could hear the children muttering to each other and there seemed to be more of them than there had been at first. He struggled to push the final memories away as the compartment door opened, and then he heard something, felt it too. Opening his eyes, he finally understood what was happening and jumped to his feet, quieting the children and conjuring a handful of flames.

The door slid open again and Remus was momentarily rooted in place. The last memories came back, shoving against his mind, urging him to remember, feel again what he had felt back then. Shaking his head and trying to clear it, he thought sure that he was going to succumb to the pain when Harry thumped to the floor.

"Expecto Patronum," Remus called and the dementor instantly fled, pushed away by the bright white light coming from Remus' wand. He sighed in relief, then turned to the children as the lights flickered back on. Fumbling in his pocket for the bar of chocolate he always kept there, he broke pieces off and handed it out as Harry's friends roused him.

"Here, eat this, it'll help," **(1)** he said, giving a piece to Harry and explaining to the children what the dementor was. "I've got to speak to the driver. Eat." And then he left the compartment. He walked a few compartments away and then leaned a hand against the wall, bracing himself and taking a deep breath. Dear Merlin what would have happened if he hadn't been there?

Of course the dementor was drawn to their compartment, his and Harry's memories alone like a drug to the horrid creature. Not to mention Ginny Weasley, whose possession the previous year Remus had heard all about from Albus. Remus' mind drifted unconsciously to Sirius and he wondered again just how the man had managed to escape after being subjected to those things for the last twelve years.

Finally collecting himself, Remus stood and continued his walk down the corridor to the engine. How Sirius had escaped didn't matter, only that Harry was kept safe from him. And that was exactly what Remus intended to do.

* * *

**6 January 1994**

Remus sat down heavily on one of the desks in the History of Magic classroom. Harry's first lesson had gone well, but not at all as Remus had expected. He'd never imagined that Harry's memories from when he was so young would still be present. Knowing that he heard not only Lily's screams, but whatever James said as well, had shaken Remus to his core. He couldn't imagine the Harry having to live through that every time the dementors came near. No wonder he had passed out on the train.

Harry's question about Sirius hadn't helped any. Remus didn't like to think about it, although there was a part of him that thought they didn't have the whole story. It was what kept him from telling Albus that Sirius was an animagus. He wondered again though, if he should. The fact that Sirius had been in the castle on Halloween haunted Remus. If he had been able to get into Gryffindor tower and lie in wait for Harry, Remus shivered.

Remus' thoughts drifted back to Harry. Although he looked nearly identical to James, he was much more like Lily in personality. Remus' heart clenched painfully at the thought of her. While he had not outwardly mourned for her for quite some time, it didn't mean that his thoughts did not drift to her more often than not. Being back in the castle was proving more difficult than he had imagined. It seemed like every corner, every alcove, every room, held some kind of memory of Lily. He could hardly even stand to be in the library and often shamefully sent a house elf to retrieve books for him.

The rattling of the boggart in the case roused Remus from his melancholy thoughts. He sighed and stood, heaving the case down from the desk. It would do no good to dwell on painful memories. Lily was never coming back. Remus stuck his hand in his pocket and wrapped his hand around the pendant that he had carried with him ever since the day after that fateful Halloween night. It was all he had left of her, that and Harry, and it would have to be good enough.

* * *

**10 June 1994**

Remus packed up the rest of his things, directing them into the trunk standing next to his desk. He looked up when he heard a knock at his door. Harry.

Harry begged him to stay, of course, and Remus had to decline, of course. The thought of losing his last connection to Lily hit him hard, however and it was by the very slimmest of margins that he didn't pull Harry to him and hold on to the boy for all he was worth. Instead, he busied himself picking up his trunk and grindylow cage and praising Harry for the conjuring of his patronus the night before.

He had neared the end of his proverbial rope when Albus came into the office to tell him his carriage was waiting. Remus shook the Headmaster's hand and then nearly ran from the castle. The mask that he had kept in place for most of the year began to slip and by the time he bundled himself into the carriage it was gone altogether.

He was happy that Sirius had escaped, pleased that he now knew the truth about his friend. But Remus blamed himself, of course, that Sirius wasn't currently being exonerated by the Ministry and bringing Harry home with him. If Remus had just remembered to take the Wolfsbane, Sirius never would have had subdue him to save the children and Wormtail would not have gotten away.

Wormtail, Remus' mind spat, thinking that the nickname they had come up with back when they were fifteen was more than fitting for the traitor. And while the rational side of Remus' mind knew that the entire situation was no one's fault but Wormtail's and Voldemort's, the rest of him was weighed down by the guilt that he had sentenced his best friend to a life on the run and Harry to life with the Dursley's.

Not to mention his own distress at not having had a chance to be a part of Harry's life. Had Sirius been cleared, he would have surely gotten guardianship of Harry given James and Lily's will. Remus had no doubt that Sirius would have moved back into the cottage and he was nearly positive that he would insist Remus remain with them. Now, however, Remus would go home to an empty cottage, unemployed once again and very much alone.

* * *

**5 July 1994**

Remus' head snapped up from the book he was reading. He'd thought he heard, but no, that was impossible, he wouldn't be that stupid. Remus stood and set the book on the side table, walking to the window and looking out. He swore when he saw the black shape in the distance, coming ever closer. Sighing and pinching the bridge of his nose, he opened the front door wide and Padfoot ran in. Remus closed the door and warded it, glaring at Padfoot before heading for the cellar. Padfoot followed him and it wasn't until they were underground and Remus had warded the cellar door as well, that Sirius appeared.

"What the hell are you doing here?" Remus demanded.

"Nice to see you too Moony," Sirius quipped.

"Of course I'm glad to see you, Sirius, but this was incredibly stupid," Remus retorted. "The Aurors have already been here three times, looking for you."

"Then chances are, they won't come back again," Sirius replied with a shrug.

"What makes you so sure about that?" Remus asked.

"Experience," Sirius answered. "I've been gone for nearly a month now, they've checked here three times and haven't found me. They'll assume that I've gotten out of the country or something." Remus sighed. He supposed it was plausible, even likely given the fact that Sirius had been on the run for so long. But he still didn't like it.

"Why now?" he asked.

"Full moon's in two days, Moony, or had you forgotten," Sirius replied.

"No, but I don't see what that's got to do with anything," Remus said.

"Snape still making you the potion?" Sirius asked. Remus shook his head. "And you're pants at potions which means you haven't been able to make it yourself. Need I say more?"

"Padfoot," Remus said in exasperation, but Sirius held up a hand.

"Shut it, Moony, I'm staying and that's final," he announced. "I swore to myself that once you knew the truth, I'd never let you be on your own at the moon again." Remus looked at his friend in annoyance, but with a fondness as well. He couldn't deny that having Padfoot with him again would help immensely, especially given how he figured this moon would go with the state of mind he'd been in since leaving Hogwarts. And the fact that he no longer had the Wolfsbane to rely on.

"Fine, but you've got to stay inside and sleep as Padfoot. I'll go out and put up some warning wards in case anyone decides to visit," Remus finally agreed. Sirius grinned and clapped him on the back.

"I knew you'd come round," he said. "Now, what do you have to eat?" Remus rolled his eyes and unwarded the cellar door. The two went back upstairs and Remus left Sirius to scrounge in the kitchen while he went out and put up the wards. Like a muggle doorbell of sorts, the wards would chime inside if anyone crossed the boundaries of the property, giving Sirius enough time to transform and possibly even hide. And once the moon was over, Remus would force him to leave. As much as he knew he would love having his friend with him again, it wasn't safe for Sirius to stay here long term, no matter what he said. The Aurors would come back eventually.

* * *

**8 July 1994**

It was the day after the full moon and Remus still lay in his bed. He didn't feel too badly, having Padfoot here had definitely helped. The wolf had been overjoyed to see his old playmate and the two had wrestled and run around for hours before they both flopped down on the floor, exhausted. They'd slept for a couple of hours until moonset and then had both managed to drag themselves upstairs to their beds.

Remus yawned and had just decided to get up and get something to eat when he heard a tell-tale chime. He sprung from his bed, grabbing his wand and ran into Sirius' room, but his friend had already transformed and run back down into the cellar. Remus turned to the window and peeked through the curtains, jumping back at the sight before him.

A large, regal-looking owl was flying nearly straight towards him and Remus hurriedly opened the window and let the owl in. It landed on the kitchen table and carried a small package. When Remus tried to take it, the owl pecked his hand and hopped away. Remus scowled and tried again, but the bird did the same thing.

"Who's it for then?" he asked. The owl almost seemed to glare at him as Remus bent forward to look at the package again, careful not to reach for it this time. Sirius' name was written on it in an unfamiliar hand. Remus' heart leapt to his throat. Who knew Sirius was here?

There was a scratching at the cellar door and a low whine and Remus jumped. Rolling his eyes at himself, he went to the door and opened it a crack, motioning for Padfoot to transform.

"There's an owl," he whispered. "It's got a package addressed to you and it won't let me take it. Stay down there until I go and check outside." Sirius nodded and became Padfoot once again and Remus warded and sealed the door.

Glaring at the owl on his way by, he went outside and made his way around the cottage, casting spells to reveal anyone hiding on the property. When no one appeared, Remus did the same just outside the property's boundary with the same result. Satisfied that no one had accompanied the owl, Remus went back inside and let Padfoot out of the cellar.

Seeing his intended recipient, the owl dropped the package on the table next to Sirius, hooted once and flew back out the still open window. Sirius reached for the box, but Remus grabbed his hand at the last moment.

"Wait, Padfoot," Remus said. "It could be a portkey or something." Sirius nodded as Remus ran a few spells over the small box, including a few Sirius reminded him of, but it seemed to contain nothing untoward. Sirius shrugged as he took it and Remus let out a breath when nothing happened.

Sirius turned the package over and they both saw the Gringotts seal on it. Raising an eyebrow, Remus looked at Sirius who shrugged. He opened the box and pulled out three envelopes along with a vial with a white cloudy substance in it. Sirius flipped through the envelopes.

"There's one for me and for you and for Harry," Sirius said, his brow furrowed in confusion. He handed the envelopes to Remus who gasped.

"They're from Lily," he finally managed.

"What?" Sirius exclaimed.

"That's her handwriting, I'd recognize it anywhere," Remus said. Sirius' mouth dropped open and his face drained of all color. Remus grabbed his arm before he crumpled to the floor.

"But, but, how, why," Sirius trailed off as he thumped down into a chair, looking at Remus in near horror. Remus glanced back in the box and saw another piece of parchment folded in the bottom, addressed to Sirius. This writing he didn't recognize.

"There's another note Padfoot," Remus said, holding it out to his friend. Sirius waved him off with a shake of his head.

"You read it," he said. Remus opened the note and saw that it was written on Gringott's stationery.

_Dear Mr. Black,_

_I must apologize for the length of time it has taken for me to send this package to you. It was left in my possession by Lily Potter and my instructions were to send it on to you in the event of her and Mr. Potter's deaths. As you were sent to Azkaban just hours after the announcement of the Potters' demise, I was unable to send it on at that time. Mrs. Potter further instructed that the package be sent to Remus Lupin in the event of your death as well, however, since you were not dead, merely incarcerated, the magic would not allow me to do so. _

_If you need further assistance, you may contact me._

_Sincerely,_

_Gornuk  
Gringotts Wizarding Bank_

The two remaining Marauders looked at each other in shock. Remus sank down into the chair next to Sirius' and put his head in his hands. Lily, after all this time.

"What do you suppose?" Sirius asked thickly and Remus glanced at him not surprised to find his face full of emotion.

"I have no idea," Remus said. "And why just us? Wouldn't she have left something for Wormtail as well? She didn't know he was the traitor then. And why from Lily? Wouldn't it make more sense for them to be from Prongs?"

"Dunno Moony," Sirius said with a sigh. "Maybe we should just read them." Remus nodded and the two opened the letters and nearly the same time. Remus had to swallow past the lump in his throat when he saw the writing in Lily's hand. He ran his finger over the greeting and pulled in a deep breath. Opening the letter fully, a picture fell from inside the folds and into Remus' lap. He glanced down at it and saw a baby. Figuring it was Harry, he went back to the letter without looking at the picture closely.

_My Dearest Remus,_

_If you're reading this then James and I are obviously gone and I'm so sorry about that. This is the most difficult letter I've ever had to write, so forgive me if I ramble or parts of it don't make much sense. _

_How I love you Remus. I always have, although I think that you know that. I do love James, you know that too, but what we shared, it was something completely different. I still don't know how you had the strength to walk away, because I know that I never could have if I were in your position. _

_I think that is the difference between the two of us. You were always so strong and I was always the weak one, when it came to you anyway. The day you came to the flat before the wedding and we were together, I will carry that memory with me for eternity. I was the weak one that day, as usual. You would have left after you kissed me had I not responded as I did. _

_You asked me before Harry was born if he could be yours and I told you that it was impossible. And you believed me, just like that. At the time I admit that I didn't know for sure, he could have been James', but he could have been yours as well. I'm sorry that I lied, but I didn't know what else to do. You were gone for months at a time, putting yourself in danger with the werewolves. I didn't know how you would react if I told you it was a possibility and I didn't want anything to happen to you because you weren't completely focused on your mission._

_If James had any inkling that the two of us had feelings for each other, that we'd shared a past, it would have crushed him. I couldn't risk sending him out into the danger that he was in every single day, knowing that I had been unfaithful to him. He would have done something stupid and ended up dead before I even knew for sure._

_When Harry was born, one look at him and I knew and Merlin help me Remus I couldn't tell you. God I wanted to. You don't know how much I wanted to present you with your son,_

Remus sucked in a breath and dropped the letter to the table as if it had burned him. It couldn't be, it wasn't possible, she'd sworn Harry was James' and Remus had seen him. The boy was the spitting image of James.

"What the fucking hell Moony?" Sirius roared, jumping to his feet and dropping his own letter. Remus stood and the picture fell forgotten to the floor.

"Sirius," Remus said, holding up his hands in an attempt to placate his friend.

"Don't 'Sirius' me," Sirius spat, his eyes blazing in anger. "You slept with Lily? A week before their wedding Remus, a week! What the fuck is wrong with you?"

"I don't know!" Remus yelled back. "I don't know what happened. I didn't get the owl about changing the fitting for the wedding robes, so I went over there anyway. Lily offered me tea and she was upset about Petunia being an absolute bitch about the wedding. I was comforting her and I don't know, it just, it happened."

"Comforting a friend involves having sex with them now?" Sirius demanded.

"I'm sorry, all right!" Remus shouted. "I didn't mean for it to happen, neither of us did. And Harry, oh my god, Harry." Remus put his head in his hands.

"What about Harry?" Sirius asked angrily. Remus looked up at him.

"Didn't you finish your letter?" Remus asked.

"No, I got to the part where you shagged your best mate's wife and I sort of lost my focus," Sirius snapped. "Now what about Harry?"

"I don't, I didn't," Remus trailed off unable to say anything else as realization dawned on Sirius' face. Before Remus even knew what was happening, Sirius had wrapped his hand around Remus' throat and shoved him into the wall.

"Do not tell me that you got her pregnant," Sirius growled, his hand tightening a bit on Remus' throat. "Do not tell me that Harry is yours." Remus said nothing, but the wolf had had enough. Snarling, he shoved at Sirius. Sirius let go his throat and Remus swung a fist at him. Sirius ducked and Remus missed and was put off balance, which Sirius took advantage of by sweeping Remus' legs out from under him and knocking him to the ground. The two grappled on the floor until Remus's fist finally connected with Sirius' jaw. Sirius rolled off of Remus where he'd had him pinned and stared at the werewolf warily, rubbing his jaw.

"Merlin Sirius, I'm sorry," Remus panted, moving away from his friend. He got to his knees and raked a hand through his hair. "Bloody fucking hell," he whispered.

"He's yours?" Sirius asked quietly and Remus shrugged.

"I didn't finish my letter either, but I think so," he replied.

"How, he looks exactly like James," Sirius said and Remus shook his head.

"I don't know," he admitted. He stood on shaky legs and walked back to the table. He picked up the letter and sunk back into his chair, continuing to read.

_You don't know how much I wanted to present you with your son, but I couldn't, not that day in the hospital. That's why I wouldn't let Sirius take his cap off. You would have known right off that he was yours. I planned to tell you once we'd gotten home, but the longer I waited the harder it became. I had put a glamour on Harry so he would look like James for the time being and when I finally plucked up the courage to tell the truth, you were gone again. _

_I was terrified the entire time you were away, more terrified than I'd been any of the other times because now there was someone that was yours. What would I do if you died and Harry never got to know his father? Merlin Remus, I was so confused and then when you got back and Sirius started suspecting you as the traitor, I didn't know what to do. I knew James didn't want to believe it but he was leaning towards what Sirius was saying and with you not telling them where you were going, it just made them more suspicious. _

_James' parents were already gone and then mine were killed and Petunia and I hadn't spoken since before the wedding and I had no one else but James and Harry. I don't know what happened to me, I just snapped and suddenly I couldn't do it. I started working on a glamour charm that would be permanent and grow with Harry so that I wouldn't have to keep recasting it all the time. I even worked it out so that he'd need glasses when he was a bit older, just like James. God, what the hell is wrong with me?_

_The day I finally cast the charm was the day that you and Sirius had that row at our flat about who the traitor was. James and I had a row about it after the two of you left. He would never suspect Sirius and I could never suspect you. I almost followed you that day and told you everything and then I came upon James in Harry's nursery rocking him to sleep and whispering things to him about the pranks you all pulled in school and I couldn't do it. I'd already betrayed James once, I couldn't do it again and I couldn't break the Marauders up for good. I knew that you weren't the traitor and I think a part of me knew it wasn't Sirius either. And so after James was asleep I went into Harry's room and did the spell. _

_I am so sorry Remus. I know that you will never forgive me for keeping your son from you, but I hope that you can find it in your heart to love Harry. He's going to need you now, you and Sirius and if the two of you can get past this (I'm sure Sirius won't be very happy with either of us), please raise Harry together. Sirius can easily get guardianship of him as he is Harry's godfather and we named him in our will. _

_I've written a letter to Sirius explaining everything and to Harry as well. Keep it for him until he's old enough to read and understand it. The picture I've enclosed is Harry without the glamour. I thought you might like to see what he really looks like. Although, you probably already know since the spell will likely end with my death. If, by some slim chance, it has stayed in place, I've included the counter charm so you can change him back if you wish. My notes and papers on the charm itself are in my school trunk, in the basement of the Godric's Hollow house, if you care to have a look at it. The vial contains a memory of Harry shortly after he was born without the glamour. _

_I love you Remus and please make sure Harry knows how very much I love him. _

_Always,_

_Lily_

Remus set the letter down on the table, expelling a shaky breath. He immediately began to search for the picture, finding it on the floor. He picked it up, his hands shaking and looked at his boy. Harry looked to be three months or so Remus thought. Harry smiled at something off camera and waved his arms in the air. His eyes were still Lily's green, but his hair was much lighter, sandy brown like Remus' own and it laid flat on his head instead of sticking up every which way. His face was different too, a bit longer and less full. The cheekbones were Remus' and the ears, a bit of the jaw as well.

"He's got your ears, Moony," Sirius said quietly behind him, causing Remus to jump. Remus wordlessly handed the picture to Sirius who studied it for a moment before handing it back. "He's a good-looking kid. Just like his old man." Remus looked up at Sirius in shock.

"Padfoot?" he said.

"Look Moony, I'm not going to pretend that I'm happy about what happened or that Lily kept it from all of us all this time," Sirius said. "But I saw Moony, I saw how in love with her you were and if I'd ever felt that way about someone else, well, I'm not sure I could say that I wouldn't have made the same mistake given the chance."

"I swear to you Padfoot, I never, ever planned on betraying James. I tried to stop myself, Merlin help me I did, I just, after all the time of trying to deny how I felt, I just couldn't anymore," Remus tried to explain.

"I know Remus," Sirius said solemnly, putting a hand on his friend's shoulder. "I know. And Prongs and Lily are gone now. We're all Harry has left. It won't do him any good if we're at odds with each other." Remus couldn't speak for a moment, he was so surprised.

"Who are you and what happened to my immature friend Padfoot?" Remus asked. Sirius gave him a rueful smile.

"Twelve years in prison tends to do that to a person," he said. The two sat in silence for a few minutes, contemplating all that they had just discovered. Remus picked up the vial with the memory in it, tipping it back and forth in his hand.

"You don't have a pensieve do you?" Sirius asked. Remus shook his head.

"We don't really need to see it though," Remus said. "I mean it's not like I don't believe Lily." Sirius nodded. "And there's always the familial potion if I, or someone else, needs more proof."

"Well then I guess there's just one thing left to decide," Sirius said with a grin, glint in his eye. "When do we go get our boy?"

"Sirius it's not as easy as all that," Remus said with a sigh. "I'm a werewolf and you're a fugitive."

"So what, he's your kid," Sirius replied. "It's not like the Ministry can deny that."

"If he were a regular child, then I'd probably agree with you, but we're talking about the Boy-Who-Lived, here," Remus said. "I doubt that Fudge, not to mention Dumbledore, will agree so easily."

"We'll figure something out Moony, we always do," Sirius said, clapping him on the shoulder once again.

"Why do you suppose the glamour didn't wear off?" Remus asked.

"Lily was a genius at Charms, you know that," Sirius said.

"Of course she was, but this goes a bit beyond being a genius at Charms, Padfoot," Remus continued. "You know as well as I do that most magic ends if the caster dies. The only things that seem to be more permanent are wards and things like that and even those have to be renewed from time to time."

"What about the Sorting Hat?" Sirius asked. "It's a thousand years old and it still works."

"The Sorting Hat is nearly sentient, Padfoot," Remus explained. "Not to mention the fact that the spells cast on it were done by four of the most powerful wizards and witches that ever lived."

"Well Lily invented the spell herself," Sirius mused. "Maybe that's why it stuck around?"

"But for nearly 13 years?" Remus questioned. "It doesn't make sense." Remus pulled out the piece of parchment that Lily had written the counter charm on. He studied it and realized while more complicated than a normal glamour charm, it wasn't something that was so powerful it would have lasted much beyond Lily's death. Certainly not thirteen years' past. There had to be some other explanation.

"What happened to James and Lily's things after?" Sirius asked, swallowing the grief that had been brought so close to the surface by Lily's letter back down.

"I have no idea," Remus admitted. "I went to the house the day after and most everything was destroyed." Sirius nodded. He'd been to the house too when Hagrid was there picking up Harry. It was how Hagrid got Sirius' motorbike before Sirius had gone on his stupid chase of Wormtail that had made their lives a mess.

"Maybe Dumbledore knows," Sirius suggested.

"Probably," Remus agreed.

"We're going to have to talk to him anyway, Moony," Sirius said. Remus sighed.

"I know," he replied.

"But I think we should tell Harry first," Sirius said. Remus looked at his friend, brow furrowing.

"I don't know Padfoot, I think we should get things settled with Dumbledore first, don't you?" Remus asked. "I mean, why get Harry's hopes up if he can't come live with me."

"Listen to me Moony, I know that you trust Dumbledore and that you feel like you owe him something because he allowed you to come to Hogwarts and he gave you that job last year, but Albus never does anything unless it's for the greater good," Sirius said. "I've had a lot of time to think this past year about everything that went down when I got arrested and one word from Dumbledore and I could have at least had a trial. Look at everything he did to get Snape out. I don't like to think this of him, but sometimes I wonder if he left me to rot in order to be able to orchestrate Harry's life the way that he saw fit." Remus looked at Sirius in surprise.

"I don't know Padfoot, I mean, that sounds awfully," Remus paused and pursed his lips in thought. "I mean I just can't imagine he'd do that knowingly."

"Well maybe it wasn't knowingly, I mean as far as he knew I _was_ the secret-keeper and Wormtail did a damn good job of making me look guilty," Sirius admitted. "But come on Remus, he_ knew_ me, knew how close James and I were. I can't believe that he didn't have at least some doubt."

"Maybe he did and Crouch overrode him," Remus pointed out.

"It's possible, but when they saw that I didn't have the mark that should have been some clue," Sirius said.

Remus contemplated all his friend had said. He wasn't completely naïve. He knew that Albus did things that were not necessarily in the best interest of the individual, but for the best interest of the group. But what leader didn't? And he couldn't imagine that he would let an innocent man rot in prison for twelve years. Still there was the fact that Dumbledore had sent Harry to his muggle relatives who had never even met the child when Remus knew for a fact that there were plenty of wizarding families that would have adopted him. Someone sent a letter into the Prophet practically every other day for months afterwards offering to raise the Boy-Who-Lived.

Of course, Remus knew, by sending Harry to Petunia, Dumbledore prevented families like the Malfoy's from pursuing guardianship. Families, he was sure, that did not have Harry's best interests at heart and who would have been able to wield influence over the Ministry. Relatives took precedence, magical or not, so Albus' move in that regard had been a good one.

"Something tells me that Harry's life is not so wonderful with his aunt and uncle," Sirius said, pulling Remus from his thoughts. "You saw how readily he agreed to come live with me when we were leaving the Shack and he didn't even know me." Remus nodded.

"Harry's very small for his age, much smaller that all of his yearmates," Remus mused. "And he didn't go home for Christmas or the Easter holidays."

"Trust me Moony, something's not right there," Sirius said. Remus glanced at the animagus. If anyone could sense something wrong at home, it was Sirius. He'd had plenty of experience with it after all.

"All right, what if I go and observe for a day or two," Remus said. "Then decide after that."

"Sounds good, when do we go?" Sirius asked.

"_You_ are not going," Remus replied.

"Why not?" Sirius asked indignantly.

"Do you really need to ask me that Padfoot?" Remus replied eyebrow raised.

"Fugitive right, got it," Sirius said.

"Not to mention the fact that the Ministry thinks you're after Harry," Remus added. "Don't you think they'll be monitoring his house?"

"How are you going to get in then?" Sirius asked.

"I happen to be rather proficient at glamour charms myself," Remus said with a smile. "And I know how to use muggle binoculars."

"Binocuwhats?" Sirius asked.

"Think crude omnioculars," Remus said. Sirius' eyes narrowed, trying to picture what Remus was talking about. Remus chuckled. "You can stay here while I'm gone, if you like," Remus said.

"Better not," Sirius replied with a shake of his head. "I'll just hang out in the forest with Buckbeak."

"All right, we'll meet in two days and discuss what we're going to do," Remus replied looking a bit nervous.

"It'll be all right Moony," Sirius said, putting a hand on his friend's shoulder. Remus could only nod, hoping that Sirius was right.

* * *

**10 July 1994**

Remus was pacing, his temper simmering below the surface. He was amazed that he hadn't gone inside Number 4 Privet Drive and cursed Vernon Dursley into oblivion, not to mention that cow, Petunia. How she could treat her own flesh and blood that way, Remus had no idea. Although, he supposed he did, given how Sirius' parents had treated him. Finally, Remus heard the pounding of paws outside.

Stepping to the front door, Remus opened it to admit Padfoot, who transformed as soon as the door was closed. He took one look at Remus and walked into the kitchen, pulling down the bottle of firewhiskey Remus kept above the sink.

"I'd ask how it went, but I've got a pretty good idea by the expression on your face," Sirius said as he poured out two glasses of the amber liquid. Remus' jaw worked as he continued to pace about the room. Sirius approached him with a glass, which Remus took and gulped down in one go, slamming the glass onto the table when he was finished.

"He's treated worse than a house elf," Remus finally said, his voice tight with anger. "Chores from nearly dawn until dark while their huge oaf of a boy carouses with his friends and doesn't lift a finger, unless it's to torture some smaller child."

"They don't even call him by his name, they call him 'boy'," Remus seethed. "That or 'freak'." Remus sat down at the kitchen table, while Sirius stood rigidly behind him.

"Freak?" Sirius asked through gritted teeth.

"He does all the cooking, except at lunch and what I saw Petunia give him wouldn't have kept a five-year old going, let alone a growing teenage boy," Remus continued.

"Freak?" Sirius repeated again. Remus sighed and scrubbed a hand down his face.

"You were right Padfoot, we've got to get him out of there," he said.

"Let's go," Sirius said, striding for the door. "I'll show them who's a freak."

"Sirius, stop!" Remus called, jumping up and running after his friend. He grabbed Sirius' arm just as the other man got the door open. "Sirius, you can't go off like this."

"Freak, Moony?" Sirius spat. "What the hell?"

"I know, Sirius," Remus said, pulling him back inside and shutting the front door. "But Dursley isn't worth you getting sent back to Azkaban."

"When do we go then?"

"Tomorrow," Remus replied. "We'll go tomorrow."

* * *

**(1) - Quote from Prisoner of Azkaban by JKR.**


	9. Telling Harry

**A/N- Hello all! I hope all of my US readers who celebrated the holiday had as wonderful a time as I did. This is the next to the last chapter. The final one will be posted on Thursday. Thanks for reading and a special thanks for those who've taken the time to review! **

**Chapter 9**

**Telling Harry**

**11 July 1994**

Remus stood outside the Dursley's waiting and watching. He knew that Harry would eventually be outside doing some kind of yard work. His temper flared as he thought of what his son was forced to endure with these people. His son. The words flowed more freely through his mind than he ever thought possible.

His hand tightened on the letters in his trouser pocket. They had lost so much time and Remus was determined that they wouldn't lose anymore. He hadn't worked out the logistics of the situation, as far as guardianship went, but he would take Harry and run if he had to. If Harry wanted to that is. Remus was entirely unsure how the boy was going to handle this. He was glad that Sirius would be there with him to help explain.

Remus heard a noise at the back door and looked up to see Harry come outside. He went to the shed and emerged with a pair of too large gloves, a bucket and a small spade. He crossed to one of the flower beds and began to pull weeds. Remus watched him for a few minutes, trying to imagine what Harry would look like now without the glamour. Remus was thankful that Harry's eyes would still be the same, that he would always have that piece of Lily with him.

Taking a deep breath, Remus opened the back gate and walked silently into the garden.

"Harry," he said quietly. Harry startled and spun around, reaching for the wand that obviously wasn't there.

"Professor Lupin?" Harry said in puzzlement when he finally realized who had called his name. "What are you doing here?" Harry quickly glanced up at the house and Remus was enraged to see the bit of fear in his eyes.

"Don't worry Harry, I won't stay long," he assured the boy. "There's something that I'd like to speak to you about, if you could meet me later on."

"What?" Harry asked.

"It's a long story Harry, one I don't wish to get into in your aunt and uncle's garden," Remus said with a smile. "Can you slip away after dinner and meet me in the play park up the street?"

"Sure, I guess so," Harry said, still confused. "Is everything all right?"

"Yes, Harry, quite all right," Remus replied. "7:00 then?" Harry nodded. Remus put a hand on his shoulder and gave it a squeeze. And then he turned and left.

* * *

Later that evening, Remus paced in the small copse of trees at the back of the park, as an amused Padfoot watched him. The dog gave a small bark and Remus glared at him, not pausing in his pacing. Seconds later Sirius stood blocking his path.

"What are you doing?" Remus hissed, looking around furtively.

"Relax Moony, no one's here to see me," Sirius assured him. He put his hands on Remus' shoulders. "Calm down mate, you'll wear a trench in the ground."

"This isn't a good idea," Remus muttered. "We shouldn't tell him."

"Yes," Sirius said. "We should."

"He'll hate me," Remus said. "And he'll hate his mother for betraying his father."

"James wasn't his father," Sirius reminded him.

"But Harry doesn't know that," Remus protested.

"But he will," Sirius reminded him. "Listen to me Moony, Harry needs a family, wants one more than anything. He needs you, mate." Remus sighed, shaking his head.

"I still can't believe he's mine," he said quietly. Sirius clapped him on the back. His head turned a few seconds later and he sniffed the air.

"He's coming," Sirius said, morphing back into the large dog. Remus stood nervously hidden in the trees until Harry entered the park. The teen looked around for Remus and Padfoot finally nudged his friend in the leg. Remus took a deep breath and stepped out from his hiding place, so Harry could see him. Harry grinned and crossed the park.

"Hi Professor," the boy said still grinning.

"Harry, I am no longer your professor," Remus reminded him. "Why don't you call me Remus? Or Moony if you prefer."

"Okay… Remus," Harry finally said.

"Come on, there's someone here I'm sure you'd like to see," Remus said, putting a hand on Harry's shoulder and leading him into the trees. Harry's face lit up as soon as he set eyes on Padfoot and moments later, Sirius had pulled him into a fierce hug.

"Hey Harry," he said with a smile, ruffling Harry's hair. Grinning, Harry turned back to Remus.

"Is this what you wanted to tell me?" Harry asked. Remus smiled back at him.

"No Harry, actually there is something else," he replied.

"Oh, what then?" Harry asked. Remus conjured a blanket and spread it on the ground.

"Why don't we sit?" he suggested. Harry shrugged and settled himself on the blanket. Remus sat down next to him. "Padfoot?" Sirius nodded and changed to the dog once again. Remus pulled his wand and threw up a privacy spell around them, as Harry watched in confusion. Padfoot gave Harry a lick on the cheek and then went and lay down a few feet from the blanket, still hidden, but able to keep watch on the park.

"Harry," Remus began. "I know that I told you that I was friends with James when we were in school." Remus was careful not to say 'your father'. Harry nodded. "Well, I was also very good friends with your mother." Harry looked surprised at this. Remus smiled. "We met the night of the sorting. She sat next to me at the feast. We were friends almost immediately and in some ways, we were better friends than I was with the Marauders." Harry gave him a quizzical look.

"Don't misunderstand," Remus said quickly. "James and Sirius and even Peter, back then, were the best friends I ever could have asked for. They did things for me that I never fathomed anyone would even attempt and accepted me for who I was from the very start. But your mother, she was completely different. She was smart and beautiful, of course, but the two of us, we had a special connection that I don't think either one of us could have explained." Remus knew his face had taken on a wistful look and he cleared his throat before he continued.

"One day that friendship turned into something else and I realized I was in love with her and she fancied me as well," Remus said, shifting a bit and looking at Harry from the corner of his eye. Harry's mouth had dropped open in shock. Remus quickly continued. "The problem was I knew that James loved her too. Your mum though, she still didn't like him much then and she wouldn't take no from me for an answer." Remus chuckled a bit.

"You _dated_ my _mum_?" Harry asked incredulously.

"Yes," Remus replied. "Through nearly all of our fifth year."

"But, but, my dad," Harry sputtered.

"James never knew, Harry," Remus said softly. "We kept it a secret."

"What? Why?" Harry asked. Remus could tell the boy was completely confused. He sighed.

"That was my fault," he said. "At first, I felt guilty because I knew that James fancied Lily, but your mother convinced me that James was a big boy and he'd get over it. The night I planned to tell him, he and Sirius and Peter showed me that they'd become animagi. So then I felt guilty for a different reason. When I finally got up the courage to tell him the second time, he saved Snape from me at the Shrieking Shack. I promised your mum that I'd tell him after Christmas, but I didn't. She and I had quite a row over that and she stopped speaking to me for three weeks." He shook his head ruefully. Harry was still looking at him in shock, clearly trying to wrap his mind around the story that Remus was telling.

"The two of us couldn't stay apart for long though," he continued. "It was almost like some kind of magnetic force that drew us together. I don't think I could explain it even now, all these years later." Remus looked off into the distance, lost in his memories, until Harry interrupted his musings.

"So what happened with the two of you?" he asked. Remus sighed and rubbed the back of his neck nervously.

"A lot of things happened, too many to get into right now, but the final decision was mine and mine alone," he said. "Your mother argued, cajoled and flat out begged me not to, but I couldn't put her in anymore danger." Harry gave him a questioning look.

"Right after O.W.L.S., my father showed up at school." Remus swallowed thickly and he felt the tears gathering in his eyes, even after all these years. "My mother," his voice broke and he cleared his throat. "The werewolf that changed me liked to target children," he continued. Harry looked at him in confusion at the apparent change in topic. Remus ignored that and continued. "Quite a few families would abandon a werewolf child and then Greyback would come in and raise them up to be like him. My parents, of course, didn't do that and that never sat well with Greyback. I guess he felt that my father hadn't suffered enough for his insult. One night, my mother was home alone at the full moon. This normally never happened because my father was aware of the continued threat, but he'd had a meeting at work that ran late that night. We also had wards that my father had put around the house to warn them if a werewolf was outside. I transformed in a shed outside, you see, and my father had set the wards in case I escaped from the shed. The wards were down because my mother had been speaking with a family of a newly bitten child a few days before and they had forgotten to put them back up. My father came home and found my mother dead at Greyback's hand." Harry gasped and Remus looked away, unable to keep the tears from falling.

"I refused to let your mother be put in that kind of danger. I loved her too much," Remus said when he was finally able to continue. "And so, I let her go." He looked up sadly at Harry, who looked confused.

"That's horrible Pro-, I mean Remus," Harry said his own face a mixture of revulsion and sadness, but the confusion was still there. "But," Harry trailed off, biting his lip.

"But why am I telling you all this?" Remus asked. Harry nodded.

"Because Harry, the story isn't over," Remus replied. "Lily and I broke up and we didn't speak for quite some time. I still loved her and she knew it and I know that she still loved me. She approached me about restarting our relationship, but I rebuffed her and finally, she started dating someone else."

"My dad?" Harry asked.

"No," Remus smirked. "A bloke by the name of David Corner actually." Harry's eyes widened and Remus chuckled. "Yes, Michael Corner's father. They dated the second half of sixth year and while I knew she didn't love him, she seemed happy enough. James, however, was anything but." Harry grinned and Remus winked at him.

"He still didn't know about Lily and me, so he started asking me for advice on how to get on her good side," Remus said, his eyes suddenly clouding with pain. "It was extremely difficult, but I thought that if she ended up with someone else, it might as well be James. He could be an immature prat, but he was a good man and I knew he loved her. So I helped him out."

"Wow," Harry said.

"Quite," Remus said with a sigh. "When they both became Heads, it was easier for James. They had to spend a fair bit of time together, working on one thing or another and it at least made them friends. I think the fact that Lily knew that he was in love with her made it easier for her to fall in love with him. Which she did. No matter what else I tell you Harry, don't ever doubt that your mother loved James very much."

"Why do you keep calling him James?" Harry asked.

"Sorry?" Remus returned.

"You keep calling him James. You call my mum, 'your mother', but you never say, 'your father' when you're talking about my dad. Why not?" Harry questioned. Remus sighed and scrubbed a hand down his face. Sirius chuffed lightly under his breath in support.

"Harry, I want you to listen to me and hear me out before you say anything," Remus finally said. "Can you do that for me?" Harry nodded, but a bit uncertainly. "The more that I saw James and Lily together, the harder it was for me. And so just before we left school, I approached Professor Dumbledore and asked to help with the war effort, something that would take me away from everyone for large quantities of time. When he suggested something that he had been thinking about for a while, I agreed readily."

"What did he want you to do?" Harry asked.

"That doesn't matter now," Remus assured him. "I'll tell you about it someday."

"Anyway, I was gone for months at a time and the war was getting worse every day," Remus continued. "It seemed like every time I picked up the Prophet, I saw the names of more and more people that I knew." Remus stopped and took a breath and there was a quiet whine from Sirius. "James asked Lily to marry him on Christmas Eve of 1978 and she said yes. I came home at Christmas and found out. They planned an October wedding. After that it became almost unbearable for me to be around them and so I left again. I was gone until the summer and when I returned, I avoided my friends as much as possible. James and Lily had a small flat by then and Sirius and James were Aurors and extremely busy. The flat was in London and Sirius stayed there a lot of the time when they worked late, so I was often at the cottage by myself. I got a job in a muggle warehouse. They weren't so particular about me missing time at the full-moon. So it was easy to avoid them as much as I did." Harry was looking increasingly confused and Remus decided he needed to get to the heart of the story.

"A little over a week before James and Lily's wedding, I went to their flat. We were supposed to be going and getting fitted for our wedding robes, but James and Sirius had gotten held up at work and I'd missed their owl, changing the date to the next day. Lily was home alone." Remus paused and looked at Harry nervously. "I'm not sure how it happened exactly, but neither of us planned it. Your mother was distraught afterward and I felt extremely guilty. It never happened again, just that one time." He looked at the boy sitting beside him. "Do you understand what I'm saying Harry?"

"Erm, no?" Harry said questioningly. Remus sighed, his mouth suddenly dry.

"Your mother and I, we," Remus trailed off. How, exactly, was he supposed to tell a nearly fourteen year-old boy that he had sex with his mother the week before she married someone else? "I still loved her Harry and she still loved me. She loved James too; don't ever think that she didn't. The tension, I guess it had been building up for quite some time and the two of us, there alone, we just, well, we let our emotions get the better of us." Harry still looked confused, but realization slowly dawned on his face and then horror followed quickly behind.

"You and my mum, you," he stopped, looking disgusted. He jumped up and looked accusingly at Remus. "She cheated on my dad? With you?" he exclaimed. Remus looked up at Harry, shame-faced.

"I'm sorry, Harry," he began, but Harry interrupted.

"How could you do that?" he shouted. "I thought he was your friend!"

"He was Harry," Remus insisted. "I loved James like a brother. I felt horrible. I was repulsed by myself and my lack of self-control. I almost didn't go to the wedding, but your mother insisted that it would be suspicious if I didn't. And so I bottled up my feelings for her and pretended that it had never happened."

"How could she do that to him?" Harry demanded. "How could she say she loved him and then do that?" Remus jumped up and grabbed Harry's arm before the boy could run away. Harry struggled, but Remus was stronger. "Let me go! I can't believe you did that!" Padfoot jumped up and stood in front of his godson, whining quietly and nudging Harry back towards Remus. "You knew about this too, didn't you?" Harry said.

"No Harry, Sirius didn't know any of this," Remus insisted. "He just found out a week ago." Harry was breathing heavily and he refused to sit down, but he stayed where he was.

"Did my dad know?" he asked.

"I don't know," Remus admitted. "If Lily ever told him, she never said anything to me about it."

"I still don't understand why you're telling me all this," Harry finally said, still glaring at his former professor.

"James and Lily got married in October," Remus said. "You were born the following July." Remus let the statements hang in the air, allowing Harry to do the math.

"Yeah, so," Harry said, then frowned as he seemed to think of something else. Remus saw a myriad of emotions cross his face until he finally looked at Remus in horror. "No. You're not, you can't be. I look just like him, everyone says so. No!" He turned to run again, but once more Padfoot stepped in his path. He growled this time and Harry glowered at him, but remained where he was.

"Harry," Remus said gently. He waited until the boy turned and looked at him. "Your mother put a glamour on you shortly after you were born, a rather intricate one as a matter of fact, so that you would look like James."

"No," Harry whispered.

"She wasn't sure if it would remain in place after she died, but it appears that it did. She was a genius at Charms, could have easily been a Master if she'd continued studying," Remus continued, although he still was far from convinced that the charm should still be active.

"No," Harry said again, a bit more forcefully this time.

"I've got a picture from just after you were born, if you want to see it," Remus said. "Or I can take the glamour off. Lily left me the counter spell."

"No!" Harry shouted. "You're not my father, you're not!" Remus looked at him sadly.

"Yes, Harry," he said. "I am."

"No!" Harry said again, shaking his head from side to side in denial. "No," he said more quietly and Remus grabbed him just before the boy collapsed. Remus wrapped his arms around Harry and pulled him closer, trying to convey all the love he already felt for him into that one embrace. Harry struggled against him for a moment and then wrapped his own arms around Remus' back. "No," he whispered once more before he began to cry. Remus rubbed his back and kissed him on top of his head.

"It's all right Harry," he soothed. "Let it go, just let it all go." Harry sobbed and gripped Remus tighter and Remus felt tears sting his own eyes. He let a few fall before Harry pulled away from him abruptly.

"You knew and you didn't take me," Harry said his face red and tear-stained. Remus looked at him in confusion. "After Voldemort killed them, you didn't take me. You let me live with the Dursley's!"

"No, Harry, you don't understand, I," Remus began, but Harry kept shouting.

"You let them hate me and neglect me and use me as their slave," Harry yelled. "You let me think I was some kind of freak for ten years! You never told me, not even when you were my teacher!"

"Harry, listen to me, I didn't," Remus tried, but Harry was shouting too loudly to hear him.

"I hate you!" Harry screamed. "You don't care about me at all! I hate you!" Remus stared at him in shock as Harry turned and began to run. Padfoot wasn't fast enough to stop him this time and when the dog turned and saw that Remus wasn't moving, Padfoot ran after Harry. The dog was faster, of course, and caught up to the boy just before he left the park. Ignoring any kind of possible danger, Sirius morphed just as he leapt and pulled Harry to him.

"Harry, stop," Sirius said in the ear of the struggling boy. "You don't understand. You've got to listen to me."

"Let me go!" Harry yelled and Sirius looked quickly around. Sirius wasn't familiar with muggles, but he knew enough to know that a teenager being restrained by an adult and screaming to be let go was not the attention they needed to attract. He had to do something quickly.

"He didn't know Harry," Sirius said. "Your mum never told him. He didn't know." Harry instantly stopped his struggles.

"What?" he whispered.

"She didn't tell him," Sirius replied. "She let everyone think that you were James' son. Remus just found out last week. It's a long story and he wants to tell you all of it, but you have to come back with me. I can't be seen and we've been in the open too long." Harry turned and looked at Sirius fearfully, then nearly ran back to the trees where he had left Remus, Sirius following quickly behind. He remained as himself though, wanting to be sure Harry wouldn't bolt again.

Harry stood and stared at Remus, who closed his eyes in relief that Harry had come back. Remus held out a hand to Harry, but Harry stepped back, his eyes still suspicious.

"Tell me the rest," he demanded and Remus nodded.

"About a week ago, Sirius came to the cottage," he said. "While he was there an owl arrived with a package that they had been waiting for more than twelve years to give to him." Harry looked at Sirius in confusion, but Sirius just nodded at Remus to go on. Sure now that Harry wasn't going to run, Sirius transformed once more and sat looking at the two people in front of him.

"When your mother and James were forced into hiding, Lily prepared for the worst," Remus paused and blinked rapidly, trying to keep the tears at bay. "Sirius had been named your godfather, of course, so she assumed that if anything happened to her and James, guardianship of you would be given to him. So she wrote letters, three in fact, one to Sirius and you and me, explaining the situation. She included a pensieve memory and a picture of you without the glamour. In the event of her death, Sirius would be given the package. She knew that because I was a werewolf, I would have difficulty getting custody of you. So, she figured that if Sirius was your legal guardian and he knew the truth, then we could raise you together." Sirius yipped at this and Remus gave him a smile. "Something which I would have had no problem with. You loved Sirius and he you.

"Unfortunately, none of us counted on the betrayal of the rat," Remus spat, his face hardening. "Sirius went to Azkaban and was therefore unable to retrieve the package from Gringott's. So there it sat until Sirius' escape."

"My mum didn't put other plans in place?" Harry demanded. "What if Sirius had died too?"

"Then your mother planned that the package would have gone directly to me, but remember Harry, Sirius wasn't dead," Remus explained. "He was simply unavailable and so the goblins were unable to deliver it."

"But, why didn't he know about this when he first escaped Azkaban?" Harry asked. Remus glanced at Padfoot.

"We're not entirely sure, but it probably has something to do with his animagus form," Remus replied. "He was exclusively Padfoot all of last year, except the times that he got into Hogwarts. He didn't stay long either time and we assume that by the time the goblins realized he was there, he had turned back into Padfoot and was gone. Same with that night in the Shrieking Shack. And once he escaped, he never stayed in any one place for more than a night until he came to the cottage."

"I can't tell you how shocked we both were when we read the letter," Remus continued. "Sirius more than I was, of course." He looked to the dog who seemed to roll his eyes in response and Remus chuckled. "When your mother announced her pregnancy, I actually asked her whether you could be mine and she assured me that you weren't. I had no reason to think she was lying, so I accepted what she said. I still felt too guilty about the whole thing to press her about it." Harry stood in silence, looking at the ground. "I know this is a lot to take in. I'm sure that you have plenty of questions."

"Was my dad, I mean James, there when I was born?" he asked.

"Yes," Remus replied.

"Then how could he not see that I didn't look like him?" Harry said.

"Well, I'm not any kind of expert, but having babies is a rather messy business. Not to mention exhausting and painful and exhilarating all at the same time," Remus explained. "I don't think that anyone was paying much attention to exactly what you looked like in the moments after you were born. James came out almost immediately to tell all of us that you were a boy and by the time we got back in the room to see you, you were all wrapped up in a blanket with a little cap on your head. All we could see of you was your face, which was rather red and scrunched up." Sirius' bark sounded remarkably like laughter and even Harry chuckled a bit. "And once you opened your eyes we were all too focused on those to see much of anything else."

"Would you like to see the picture?" Remus asked quietly. Harry worried his lip between his teeth for a few seconds and then nodded. Remus pulled it from his pocket and gave it to Harry. Harry studied it closely, running his finger over the baby's unmarked forehead. Baby Harry yawned widely and waved his fists, his eyelids starting to droop. Harry grinned slightly, looking down at the baby's tiny face. He wordlessly handed the picture back to Remus.

"I'm sorry I can't show you the memory just now," Remus said. "I haven't got a pensieve. We haven't seen it either," he explained. "But, there is the letter." Harry took a deep breath and looked at Padfoot. Padfoot huffed and nudged Harry's hand with his head.

"All right," Harry said quietly. Remus pulled the letter from his pocket and handed it to Harry.

"Sirius and I will be just over here," Remus said, motioning for Padfoot to follow him. They stood some distance away and Sirius changed over, putting his hand on Remus' shoulder.

"I don't know what he's thinking," Remus said.

"I think he's thinking too many things right now," Sirius replied. "It's a lot to take in Moony. You've had a whole week to process it and you loved Lily more than anything. Harry never really knew her." They stood and watched the boy read the letter from his mother. He wiped his eyes with the back of his hand from time to time and Remus wanted nothing more than to go and put his arms around his son. His son. He still couldn't get used to saying that in his mind. But he held back, not knowing if Harry would want or accept comfort from him.

When Harry finished reading the letter, he sat and stared off into the distance. Remus and Sirius watched him until he finally turned and looked at the two of them. They walked back over to where he sat and sat back down on either side of him, neither saying anything. Finally Harry spoke.

"Why did you tell me?" he asked. "Why not just let me keep thinking James was my dad?"

"Because you're mine Harry," Remus said fiercely. "And no matter what anyone says, no matter what the Ministry thinks or Dumbledore thinks or anyone else, you are mine and I won't let you stay with people who don't love you for one second longer." Harry looked up at him in surprise.

"That is, if you want to go with me," Remus said quickly. "I'll understand if you don't. I know I've just sprung this all on you and I'm not sure exactly how it would even work. We might have to leave and go somewhere else, but," before Remus could continue, he found his arms full of Harry. Harry clung to him and Remus sighed, returning the embrace and feeling something well up inside him. This, he thought to himself, this is all I need for the rest of my life. Harry pulled back from him and looked at him with a grin.

"When can we leave?" he asked cheekily and Remus laughed out loud, Sirius joining in seconds later. The three of them sat there on the blanket in the trees, laughing until they cried, all three thinking that they were very fortunate indeed.

* * *

That night, Remus reluctantly sent his son back to the Dursley's, but promised Harry that it would be for the last time. He and Sirius needed to work out just what they were going to do and say to Dumbledore before picking Harry up and taking him to Hogwarts with them. Remus promised that he would come for Harry the next morning and advised him to have all his things packed and ready to go.

"I want to give ourselves enough time to get away before the Dursley's contact Dumbledore to let him know I've taken you," Remus explained.

"Don't worry, they won't," Harry said with a shake of his head.

"What do you mean Harry?" Remus asked.

"My uncle doesn't want anything to do with magic," Harry said. "They'll both be glad to be rid of me. They won't bother telling anyone." Remus looked at Harry, his blood boiling. He took a deep breath and let it out while Harry watched him curiously.

"Be packed anyway, all right?" Remus asked and Harry nodded. "You'd better go before someone comes looking." Harry nodded and turned to walk away. Before he had gone more than three steps however, he turned back and ran to Remus, throwing his arms around his waist. Remus hugged the boy to him tightly, smiling down at him when Harry finally pulled away. Harry hugged Sirius as well and then ran off into the night. Remus looked at Sirius who nodded and changed over to Padfoot, following behind Harry to be sure he made it home safely. When he returned, the two adult wizards disapparated back to the cottage to discuss their plans late into the night.

* * *

**12 July 1994**

Remus and Sirius apparated back to the park into the same copse of trees they had been in the night before.

"Do you think that this might be too easy?" Remus asked before Sirius could transform.

"What?" Sirius asked in confusion.

"The way Harry just accepted everything," Remus explained. "We turned his world completely upside down Padfoot and he barely protested."

"Well, he did know us already," Sirius said. "It would have been different if we were complete strangers."

"But I told him that his mother betrayed the man he thought was his father with one of his father's best friends," Remus continued. "How can he just accept that?"

"Don't borrow trouble Remus," Sirius said with a shake of his head.

"I'm not trying to, I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop," Remus said with a sigh.

"Maybe it will and maybe it won't," Sirius replied. "We'll figure it out if it does. Now come on."

The two approached the house, Remus under the glamour he had used when he had watched over Harry and Sirius disillusioned. Remus had wanted Sirius to wait in the park, but his friend refused. And while Remus would have been glad to dismember Vernon Dursley and feed him his own limbs, he was actually glad that the great git would be at work and they would only have to deal with Petunia. He didn't think he would be able to stop Sirius from doing something stupid and that was the last thing that Harry needed.

Harry answered the door when Remus rang the bell and looked at him curiously until Remus winked and showed Harry his wand. Harry called for his aunt as the two came into the house. The moment the door was shut, Remus cancelled the spells on both of them. Petunia shrieked when she saw Sirius.

"You!" she exclaimed, pointing her bony finger at him. Then she turned to the table in the hall and reached for the telephone.

"I wouldn't do that Petunia," Remus said tightly and pointed his wand at her. Petunia looked at him in fear for a moment before her eyes narrowed.

"Think you can scare me with your freakishness?" she spat.

"I'm not trying to scare you," Remus replied calmly. "I'm here to collect Harry and then we'll be gone for good."

"Collect him?" she questioned. "No one told us he was leaving early this summer."

"He's not leaving early," Remus said. "He's leaving for good." For a moment, Remus thought he saw a tiny bit of disappointment in her eyes, but then it was gone.

"Where is he going?" she asked.

"Like you care," Sirius snorted. Harry had gone upstairs when they arrived and was now coming back down, his trunk and Hedwig in her cage in tow.

"He'll be living with us from now on," Remus said.

"But, you're a criminal," Petunia said. Sirius shrugged, then grinned evilly at her. Petunia gasped and then turned and saw Harry. "Fine, good riddance then." And with that, she turned and marched back into the kitchen. Remus shook his head sadly and Harry just shrugged, then smiled up at the two adult wizards. Remus sent Hedwig on to the cottage and shrunk Harry's trunk and Hedwig's cage and tucked them in his pocket. He nodded to Sirius, who turned and disapparated.

"I'm sorry you didn't get to say good-bye to your uncle and your cousin," Remus said. Sirius had gone on ahead to the Shrieking Shack and would meet Harry and Remus there. They would take the tunnel back to the school grounds, Sirius as Padfoot, of course and meet with Dumbledore. Harry snorted derisively.

"No loss, believe me," he said.

"Have you ever apparated?" he asked and Harry shook his head. "It's a bit disconcerting at first, just hold tight to my arm, all right?" Harry nodded and took Remus' arm. Remus covered Harry's hand with his own and turned, the two of them disappearing from Number 4 Privet Drive forever.

* * *

They reappeared inside the dusty shack and Harry gulped in a breath as they landed. He stumbled, but Remus steadied him before he could fall.

"All right?" he asked quietly and Harry nodded, but he looked a bit green. "Sit down," Remus said directing Harry to the bed Ron had been on a month before. Harry did and took a deep breath, his color settling along with his stomach.

"Sorry about that," Remus said. "I should have warned you."

"S'alright," Harry said. "I don't much like floo travel either." Remus chuckled. Sirius barked from below and the two got up and followed the animagus into the tunnel. Reaching out to stop the branches, the three of them made their way over the grounds, Remus happy that Hagrid was not about at the moment.

They reached the gargoyle and Remus gave it the last password he'd had at the end of the school year, hoping it was still the same. Luck was on their side as the gargoyle leapt aside to reveal the spiral staircase. The three rode the stairs silently, Remus' stomach pitching and rolling as it had been that day after he'd nearly killed Severus.

When they reached the top, Remus knocked lightly on the door and was bade enter by the headmaster. If he was surprised to see them, his face gave nothing away.

"Well, this is quite the surprise," Dumbledore said as he ushered them into chairs, Sirius having transformed once the door was closed. "Harry, I was under the impression that you were at your aunt and uncle's.

"I was sir," Harry said. "Until Remus came and picked me up today."

"I see," the headmaster replied. "I shall have to have a chat with your aunt about keeping me informed of your whereabouts."

"That won't matter because Harry won't be going back there," Remus said. There was silence in the room.

"I'm sorry Remus, I think I must have misunderstood you," Dumbledore said genially. "I thought you said that Harry would not be returning to his legal guardians."

"That is exactly what I said," Remus replied.

"I'm sure that I do not have to inform you that you do not have any authority to take Harry anywhere," Dumbledore said, staring hard at Remus.

"I think that after you read this, you will understand that I do," Remus replied, handing Dumbledore a letter. They had decided to let him read Sirius' as it was the least personal as far as feelings toward the recipients went, but still laid out the entire story. Dumbledore took the letter and read it in silence. When he had finished, he leaned back in his chair stroking his beard.

"I must say that this is definitely not what I was expecting," he finally said.

"I can assure you, Albus, that none of us expected this," Remus said. "However, I could not be more proud that Harry is my son." He looked at the boy in question and Harry grinned shyly at him. The last thing Remus wanted Harry to feel was that he wasn't wanted or that he had been a mistake. He'd had enough of that at the Dursley's.

"Of course, my boy, of course," Dumbledore replied with a smile. Then he sighed and looked pained. Remus was not surprised. "However, as you know, the Ministry's stance on werewolves is not favorable to becoming a child's guardian."

"I do not need to become his guardian," Remus said tightly. "I am his father which immediately gives me parental rights."

"Be that as it may, Remus," Dumbledore continued. "In the eyes of the Ministry, Harry's guardians are the Dursley's. In order for that to change, you would have to petition the Ministry which means that the whole sordid story would come out."

"Now wait just a minute," Sirius said indignantly, but Remus held up a hand to forestall him.

"Albus, I would appreciate if you would not refer to my son's conception as 'sordid'," Remus said much more calmly than he felt.

"Of course, do forgive me Harry," the headmaster said. Harry just nodded quickly. Remus was starting to regret letting Harry sit in on this conversation. He did not want the boy feeling badly about himself. "But I am only looking out for Harry's best interests. Stories such as these can hurt those that are completely innocent in the entire matter. I would not want Harry to be teased or mocked because of it."

"Nor do I," Remus agreed. "However, as I'm sure you are aware, Albus, guardianship hearings are closed and therefore confidential to anyone not involved. No one save us and the court need find out until Harry is ready for it to be known."

"Perhaps, however Harry is the Boy-Who-Lived," Albus said. "I'm sure you can appreciate the fact that keeping a secret like this would be difficult."

"I don't want it kept a secret," Harry interjected. "I don't care who knows you're my dad!" Remus looked at Harry fondly. It was the first time the boy had referred to him as such.

"Harry, you are much too young to understand how a situation such as this may affect you," Dumbledore said.

"I don't care!" Harry exclaimed jumping to his feet. "Everyone talks about me and stares at me anyway. At least this is something good. I've never had parents Professor, not parents that I knew anyway. I've never been normal. I know that some people will be shocked and they'll talk and say horrible things about my mum and Remus, but I don't care because I've actually got a dad now. I've never had that before," he finished in a small voice. Remus put a hand on his shoulder and gave it a squeeze as Harry sat back down.

"You are aware Harry, that the entire school knows that Remus is a werewolf," Dumbledore said.

"So," Harry replied. Remus glanced at Sirius who had begun to breathe heavily through his nose. He placed a hand on his friend's arm in warning.

"There will be many people who do not feel it is right for a werewolf to raise a child," Dumbledore began, but was cut off by Sirius.

"Now wait just a damn minute Dumbledore," Sirius shouted, shrugging off Remus' hand. "Stop trying to turn Harry against his own father."

"I am not doing anything of the sort, Sirius," Dumbledore replied calmly. "I am merely trying to point out that there will be much gossip and talking behind Harry's back. I know how much he dislikes it, so I think he should be prepared for it before it happens."

"Remus is one of the best people I know," Sirius said. "He would make a better father than many men out there. And he'll be a damn sight better than that whale Dursley. Do you know what Harry's endured all these years at that house? Do you know how they treat him, what they say? He's no better than a house elf, worse in many cases."

"Sirius," Remus warned, looking worriedly at Harry. The boy was looking down at his lap, all the fire from earlier gone. Sirius however, seemed not to notice. He braced his hands on Dumbledore's desk and leaned forward.

"They call him a freak, use him as their slave, barely feed him enough to keep him going," Sirius said tightly. "While Dursley sits on his fat arse and watches the telly. I wouldn't be surprised if they've hit him." Remus glanced at Harry again who seemed to grow smaller in his chair. He had pulled his knees up and wrapped his arms around them.

"Sirius," Remus said again, more forcefully this time. Sirius glanced at Remus and then at Harry and his expression softened. Remus was on his knees in front of his son.

"Harry," he said quietly. "Look at me." Harry shook his head, burrowing his face in his knees. "It's all right, son." Remus put a hand on Harry's back, but the boy flinched. Remus left it there and Harry finally relaxed. Remus rubbed his back and then pulled his wand, throwing up a privacy spell around them.

"It's just you and me Harry," Remus said. "No one else can hear us. Will you tell me what's wrong?" Harry sniffed and Remus continued to rub his back. "Is it something that Dumbledore said?" Harry shook his head. "Sirius then?" Harry shrugged. "Please tell me what it is. I can't help if I don't know." Harry sniffed again.

"I don't want people to know," he finally said.

"Know what?" Remus asked.

"About the Dursley's," Harry said. Remus' brow furrowed in confusion.

"You don't want people to know how they treated you?" Remus asked. Harry nodded. "Why not Harry?" Harry shrugged again. "You don't somehow think it's your fault the way they treat you, do you?" Harry said nothing and Remus knew he was right. He cursed Vernon and Petunia Dursley to the deepest pits of hell and back.

"Harry, listen to me," Remus said, putting a hand under the boy's chin and forcing him to look at him. "Nothing, nothing that happened to you at the Dursley's was your fault. They were supposed to take care of you, not treat you this way. They don't treat your cousin like that do they?"

"No, but," Harry stopped, worrying his bottom lip between his teeth.

"But what?" Remus asked.

"But I'm a wizard!" Harry exclaimed. "I should have been able to stop them."

"Oh Harry" Remus said sadly. "You were a child. There's nothing you could have done." Harry's lip began to tremble and Remus continued to rub his back. As the tears formed, Harry flung his arms around Remus' neck and hugged him tightly. Remus kissed Harry's head and whispered soothing words to him as Harry cried.

While the two adults outside the bubble could not hear what was going on inside, they could definitely see and Sirius looked at Dumbledore pointedly when Harry threw his arms around Remus' neck.

"Still think that Harry doesn't belong with Remus?" Sirius asked and was surprised to see a brightness in the old man's eyes. As quickly as it came, however, it was gone and Dumbledore's expression turned serene again.

"I think, Sirius, that there are larger forces at play here," Dumbledore said. "Things that none of you can understand." Sirius stared at his former headmaster as if trying to read the man's mind. Behind them the privacy spell disappeared and Remus turned to Dumbledore.

"I don't think that Harry should be here for the rest of this discussion," Remus said, an arm still around his son. "Is there somewhere safe he can go where no one will bother him?" The twinkle reappeared in Dumbledore's eye and he nodded.

"Actually I have just hired someone that I think might fit the bill," Dumbledore said. "Dobby!" Seconds later a house elf appeared in the headmaster's office.

"You called for Dobby Mr. Headmaster sir," Dobby said, bowing.

"Dobby!" Harry exclaimed. Dobby turned toward the sound of the voice, his large eyes widening even further.

"Mr. Harry Potter, sir," Dobby said excitedly. "Dobby is so happy to see you!"

"Dobby, perhaps you could take Mr. Potter down to the kitchens and fix him something to eat," Dumbledore said. "Might he stay with you until the rest of us finish our business?"

"Of course Professor Dumbledore sir," Dobby said, bowing again. "Dobby will be most pleased to help Harry Potter."

"Would this be acceptable to you Harry?" Dumbledore asked. Harry glanced from the house elf to his father and godfather.

"It's all right Harry," Remus said with a smile. "I'm sure Dobby will take good care of you."

"Oh yes, sir, Dobby will take most excellent care of Harry Potter," Dobby said. He held out his arm and Harry looked warily at Remus.

"Don't worry Harry, it won't be as bad this time," Remus assured him. "Shorter distance." Harry nodded and grasped Dobby's arm. The two of them disappeared with a crack. And then Remus turned back to the Headmaster, his jaw set and ready to do whatever it took to bring his son home with him.


	10. Keeping Harry

**A/N - All right, here is the last chapter. I've always thought that Dumbledore was manipulative and didn't always do what was in each individual person's best interests, but I have to warn you that I made him a bit more calculating and devious than canon in this chapter. It's not how I usually characterize him when I write him, but for this story, it fit. Another note at the end. **

**Chapter 10**

**Keeping Harry**

**12 July 1994**

Remus took a deep breath and willed himself to remain calm. He had no doubt that this would be a fight and he wasn't going to let his emotions lead him to say or do something he would regret. He had his suspicions about the glamour on Harry as well, but it wouldn't do to let them be known before he had gotten all the information he needed.

"Before we continue, I have another question," Remus said. "Do you know what happened to James and Lily's things from the house in Godric's Hollow?"

"There was not much to save, but what there was that seemed to have some value was put into the Potter vault," Dumbledore said.

"By whom?" Sirius said suspiciously.

"Myself," Dumbledore replied. "The goblins gave me special access since Harry's guardians were not magical." Sirius continued to look at Dumbledore in suspicion, but Remus ignored it.

"What about Lily's school trunk?" Remus asked.

"It has been some time, but I seem to remember putting both of their trunks into the vault," Dumbledore replied. "They had been stored in the cellar and as such, escaped most of the damage." Remus nodded. "May I ask why you would like to know?"

"Lily left all of her notes on the glamour charm she put on Harry in her trunk," Remus said. "We can't understand why the glamour would still be active so long after Lily's death." Dumbledore nodded knowingly.

"Mrs. Potter was an extraordinary witch," Dumbledore said and Remus did not fail to notice the subtle dig using Lily's married name.

"Agreed," Remus replied. "However, it is still very odd that a charm like a glamour would last for more than twelve years, which is why I would like to examine her notes on the charm."

"May I ask why you have not yet removed it?" the headmaster asked.

"I don't think that Harry is ready for that yet," Remus said simply. "When he requests it, I will do so." The three sat in silence for a few minutes.

"You know Remus, this news will rock our world," Dumbledore finally said.

"I realize that, yes," Remus replied.

"Are you prepared to face the fallout?" Dumbledore continued.

"I would do anything for my son," Remus said.

"That may be, but will Harry be able to face it?" Dumbledore mused, almost to himself.

"Sirius and I will help him," Remus assured the headmaster. Dumbledore's eyes flicked to Sirius.

"How do you intend to do that given Sirius' current status?" Dumbledore asked.

"Every family needs a pet," Remus said with a smirk. Dumbledore chuckled a bit.

"We are back to our original problem, I am afraid," he said.

"The Ministry," Sirius ventured.

"Quite," Dumbledore agreed.

"Surely, with your endorsement, there wouldn't be a problem," Sirius stated.

"Unfortunately, I am unsure if I am prepared to give it," Dumbledore said calmly. Both Remus and Sirius were dumbstruck. "I will allow Harry to remain with you while I ponder this."

"Allow?" Remus growled, losing his composure for the first time that morning. "With all due respect Albus, you are not Harry's guardian and Petunia seemed to have no problem with me removing him from her care this morning. He is _my_ son, not yours."

"And you are a werewolf, Remus, Sirius a convicted felon," Dumbledore replied. "I need to determine what is best for everyone involved, including the wizarding world at large."

"Do not take too long, Albus," Remus said as he stood. "Or there just may be nothing for you to decide about." Sirius had risen as well and the two men stared at their former headmaster.

"Is that a threat?" Dumbledore asked, raising an eyebrow.

"No Albus, that is a promise," Remus said, then turned on his heel and left the office, followed closely by Sirius, who changed to Padfoot the moment they left Albus' office. They collected Harry from the kitchens and made their way back to the Shrieking Shack in silence. Once inside, Remus turned to Harry and gathered him into his arms.

"Hold on tight," he said and he felt Harry grip him around the waist as he turned into nothingness.

* * *

They arrived just outside the wards of the cottage and Remus led Harry inside. The night before he and Sirius had magically added a third bedroom with an en suite loo for Harry. They had left it mainly undecorated to allow the boy to choose what he liked. They had furnished it with a large four-poster, a wardrobe and a desk, however.

"Whoa," Harry said his smile wide as he took in his new room.

"You can decorate it however you want," Remus said. "We'll go to muggle London tomorrow if you like and pick a few things up."

"Really?" Harry asked excitedly. Remus ruffled his hair.

"Of course," he said. "Would you like me to help you unpack?"

"Erm, Remus," Harry said, biting his lower lip. Sirius glanced at the two of them.

"I'll just leave you to it," he said. "Fix something up for dinner."

"What is it Harry?" Remus asked in concern once Sirius had left.

"Am I really going to get to stay here with you?" he asked looking worried. Remus moved forward and put his hands on Harry's shoulders.

"Harry, I promise you that we will be together," Remus said. "It may not be here, we may need to go somewhere else if Professor Dumbledore chooses to be difficult. But you are my son and I will not let you go back to the Dursely's. I swear it." Harry nodded, but still looked worried.

"Is there something else?" Remus asked. Harry shook his head. Remus sighed and led him over to the bed where they sat down side by side. "Harry I want you to know that you can tell me anything. I know that you're probably not used to being able to count on adults, but there's nothing you can say to me that will upset me or make me stop loving you." Harry picked at a stray thread on the blanket on the bed.

"It's just, I'm not sure, that is," Harry stopped and huffed in frustration. "I don't really know what to call you. I mean I know you're my dad but I've thought for so long that James was my dad that it's just kind of, I don't know, weird."

"Remus or Moony is perfectly fine, Harry," Remus said. "I know this will take some getting used to."

"You're sure you won't be, you know, upset?" he asked.

"Of course not," Remus said. "I've completely changed everything that you thought you knew in one day. I have no expectations." Harry nodded.

"Now, how about unpacking?" Remus asked. He pulled Harry's trunk from his pocket and enlarged it again. Harry opened the lid and began taking his school books out of it. Remus took the stack and arranged it on Harry's desk.

"It will be nice to be able to do my summer homework before I get on the Express back to school or at the Burrow," Harry said as he pulled his robes and uniforms from his trunk.

"What do you mean?" Remus asked.

"Oh, well Uncle Vernon would always take my trunk and wand when I got home and lock it up until I went back to school," Harry said with a shrug. Remus just gaped at him.

"You mean to say you weren't allowed to even read your books?" Remus demanded.

"Erm, no?" Harry said as a question. Remus forced himself to remain calm.

"I am so sorry Harry that we didn't get you out of there sooner," Remus said.

"It's okay Remus, you didn't know," Harry replied. He dug around in his trunk and pulled out a few odds and ends.

"Where are the rest of your clothes Harry?" Remus asked.

"This is all," he said indicating his school robes and uniforms and the clothes he was wearing which were much too large for him. "I mean I had some other stuff at the Dursley's but I left it there. It was even bigger than these." He indicated the clothes he was wearing. "Dudley's cast-offs." Remus stared at him for a moment and then gathered the boy into a hug.

"Merlin Harry, I am so sorry," he said, kissing the top of Harry's head. "We'll get you clothes when we get things for your room."

"You don't have to," Harry protested. "I can just wear my school shirt and trousers."

"Nonsense," Remus admonished. "It's summer, you need summer things, not to mention those trainers have seen much better days."

"We can go to my Gringott's vault," Harry said, then colored a bit. "I mean, erm, I know that you're not exactly working right now."

"And my job at Hogwarts provided me with free room and board, so besides the occasional chocolate bar, I've got plenty left over," Remus assured him.

"Occasional?" a new voice said. Remus and Harry turned to see Sirius standing in the doorway. "The day you only have an 'occasional chocolate bar' is the day Hagrid decides dragons are actually dangerous." Harry snickered. "And money is no problem Harry. The Black family vault has more than you could spend in five lifetimes." Remus gave him a sharp look which Sirius ignored. "Dinner's ready by the way." Harry finished taking the last of his things out of his trunk and then the three went back to the kitchen for dinner.

* * *

That night, after Harry was in bed, Remus and Sirius sat on the couch sipping glasses of wine.

"We've got to get things in order," Remus said. "Do you have a passport?"

"Moony, I don't even know what that is," Sirius said in exasperation. Remus explained what a passport was for.

"We're travelling the muggle way?" Sirius asked.

"If it comes to that yes," Remus said. "We'll be less likely to be caught that way." Remus got up and whistled for Hedwig, the owl having arrived while they were eating dinner. "Can you take a message for me girl?" The owl nipped his ear in agreement and Remus wrote a quick note, attaching it to the owl's leg.

"Who are you writing to?" Sirius asked.

"Dung," Remus replied, sending Hedwig off. "He won't bat an eye that you're here and if he can't do the passports himself, he'll surely know someone who can. Harry will need one too, but mine is still good." Once Hedwig had flown off, Remus turned back to Sirius.

"About what you said before, about your vault," Remus began.

"Moony, don't even start," Sirius said tiredly.

"I am perfectly capable of providing for my own son," Remus said tightly.

"Who also happens to be my godson, or did you forget that part?" Sirius asked. "Which means, in effect, that he is my heir, at least for the time being. " The two men glared at each other for a few moments before Sirius' look softened.

"Look Moony, I know how you feel about what you think is charity," Sirius said and Remus stiffened at his words. "But this is about family. Besides if we have to go on the run, we're going to need a substantial amount of cash until we can find jobs. This would burn my parents to no end, me spending the family fortune on the child of a muggle-born and a werewolf." Remus snorted. "Let me torture them in the afterlife Moony, please?" Remus couldn't help but laugh and Sirius grinned.

"All right fine, when you put it that way," Remus said.

* * *

**13 July 1994**

The next day Remus and Harry did their shopping in muggle London and then went to Gringott's and retrieved the trunks from the Potter vault. Harry hadn't realized there was another vault besides the one that he used for school and Remus had explained that many pureblood families set up separate 'spending money' vaults for their children that were separate from the family vault. Although in this case, Dumbledore had probably set up Harry's.

They then met with Mundungus at the Leaky Cauldron and Remus explained what he needed, as well as about Sirius. Dung assured him he could get the proper documents and the three had then flooed to the cottage. Sirius and Mundungus had quite the reunion, the two of them having been drinking partners quite often during the last war.

"I'll need pictures Remus and I don't think you want them looking the way that they do," Dung said. Sirius held a hand out for Remus' wand and put a glamour on himself, changing his hair to short brown and his eyes to blue. Remus looked to Harry.

"Harry, I don't want to force you to do anything that you don't want to do, but it might be better if I took the glamour off you and we took a picture of what you really look like," Remus said. "You don't have to look if you don't want to." Harry looked a bit nervous and Remus couldn't blame him. "I'd put another glamour on you but I don't know how it would react with your mother's spell."

"Can you," Harry paused, looking guiltily at Remus. "Can you put it back, after?"

"I can," Remus assured him. "I'll just need to find the notes in your mother's trunk." Harry nodded then and Remus muttered the counter spell that Lily had left him.

Seeing his boy for the first time as he actually was supposed to look, nearly brought Remus to his knees. No one that saw Harry like this would doubt that he was Remus' son.

"Bloody hell," Sirius whispered under his breath. Harry looked nervously between all three adults in the room who had all been rendered speechless by his new appearance, although Dung still managed to raise the camera and snap a picture.

"What?" Harry finally asked. "Do I look like a troll or something?"

"Oh Harry," Remus said, tears coming to his eyes. He stepped forward and cupped his son's chin in his hand. "No, son, you don't look like a troll. Quite the contrary, if I do say so myself."

"I want to see," Harry said suddenly.

"Are you sure?" Remus asked. "You don't have to."

"I know, but I want to," Harry insisted.

"All right," Remus replied, walking with Harry to the loo. Harry closed his eyes when they crossed the threshold, then opened them and looked in the mirror. He gasped and then stared for what seemed like forever. Just as Remus was about to say something, Harry turned and ran into his room, slamming the door behind him. Remus sighed, shoulders slumping.

"What happened?" Sirius asked when Remus returned to the kitchen.

"It was too soon," Remus said. "We shouldn't have forced him."

"You didn't force him to do anything Remus," Sirius said, putting a hand on his friend's shoulder. Dung cleared his throat nervously.

"I got what I need," he said. "I'll just be off then, let you know as soon as they're done."

"Thanks Dung," Sirius said. Mundungus nodded and flooed back to the Leaky Cauldron.

"I'd better look up that spell," Remus said, opening Lily's trunk. "I'm sure Harry wants to get back to looking like himself."

"He does look like himself," Sirius said quietly.

"Just help me look through these things Padfoot," Remus said tiredly. They began to sift through the piles of books and parchments in the trunk. "This could be it," he said after a few minutes. He pulled out a muggle notebook.

"What makes you think that's it?" Sirius asked, holding a stack of parchment in his hand.

"Because James would have never looked in it," Remus said. He flipped open the cover and looked at the notes inside. "This is it," he said nodding. The spell was intricate, but not terribly so. Flipping through the pages of notes, Remus found the final incantation and wand movements. He ran through the movements silently in the air until he had them down.

"There is no way this spell lasted beyond Lily's death," Remus said. "Or at least not long after."

"Obviously it did Remus," Sirius said in exasperation. "You saw what the kid looked like."

"Sirius, I'm telling you, there is not enough power behind this spell," Remus replied. Sirius looked over the pages of notes, his brow furrowing.

"So what then?" Sirius asked.

"I don't know, but I've got a bad feeling about this," Remus said. "I'm going to talk to Harry." Remus took the notebook with him, although he had already memorized the wand movements and the incantation. He knocked lightly on Harry's door and opened it a crack when there was no answer. Harry was lying on his bed with his back to the door and at first Remus thought he was asleep.

"Harry," he said quietly and Harry turned slightly. Remus forced himself not to react to the boy's new appearance. "May I come in?"

"Yeah," Harry said. Remus approached the bed and saw that Harry had a photo album open on his bed. The picture was of Lily, James and baby Harry, when Harry was about six months old.

"I remember that one," Remus said with a smile. "It was just after Christmas and James had taken you outside in the snow. You were mesmerized by the snowflakes. Where did you get the album?"

"Hagrid gave it to me, first year," Harry said. He flipped another page and there was a picture of Harry on his first birthday, sitting in his high chair digging into his cake. Remus chuckled and sat down on the edge of Harry's bed.

"I've found the charm," Remus said, holding up the notebook. "Would you like me to change you back?" Harry shrugged. "It's up to you Harry; whatever you want is fine with me."

"Fine, do It," Harry said.

"You'll need to sit up," Remus said and Harry did, turning to face Remus. Remus waved his wand and spoke the incantation. Harry's features seemed to go fuzzy and then he looked like Harry Potter once again. Harry looked down at the bed, picking at the blanket.

"This is so messed up," he said.

"What is?" Remus asked, although he already knew the answer.

"This whole thing," Harry said. "You and my mum, me being your son, me being lied to my whole life." He slumped back against the headboard, his arms crossed in front of him.

"Harry, I'm sorry," Remus said again. "If I'd know, I," but Harry interrupted him.

"Would you?" Harry demanded. "Would you really have come and gotten me?"

"Of course, how can you ask me that?" Remus asked.

"Oh, I don't know, maybe because you dumped my mum because you thought it was too dangerous to be with her," Harry snapped. Remus looked down. Harry had trapped him with his own words.

"Harry, I don't know how to convince you but I swear to you that if I'd known, I would have come," Remus said.

"It's easy for you to say that now, but you don't know what you really would have done," Harry said, his voice rising. "Why me? Why did Voldemort come after me? Maybe if you'd stuck by my mum he wouldn't have. Maybe she would still be alive and maybe I wouldn't have this." He pulled up his fringe and jabbed at his scar.

"That's not necessarily true," Remus said. "I don't know why Voldemort came after you, but it could have just have easily happened if your mother and I had been together."

"You don't know that!" Harry shouted. "My mum might still be here! My dad might still be here!" Remus flinched when Harry called James his dad, but didn't say anything. "I wouldn't have had to go to the Dursley's! Why didn't she just tell you? She should have told you! I hate her!" Harry was screaming now and he picked up the notebook Remus had left on the bed and threw it across the room. Then he threw the photo album. "I hate her!" Remus grabbed Harry's arm, but the boy shook him off. "Get away from me, just get away!"

Harry's face was bright red, his breath coming in heaving pants. Remus tried to take hold of him again, but Harry pushed against his chest.

"Don't touch me, just get out!" Harry yelled. "I hate you! I hate both of you!" Harry flung himself face down on his bed.

"Harry," Remus said, his voice trembling. Harry raised his head and looked at Remus.

"Get out!" he bellowed. Remus opened the door and saw Sirius standing outside looking stricken. Remus glanced back at the boy on the bed.

"I'm sorry Harry," he whispered and then pulled the door shut behind him.

"Bloody hell Moony what happened?" Sirius asked. Remus looked at his friend, his eyes full of anguish. He slowly pushed past Sirius and stepped in his own room. Just before he closed the door, he met Sirius' eye and spoke.

"The other shoe dropped."

* * *

Remus wasn't sure how long he lay on his bed contemplating the ceiling. But when Sirius finally knocked on his door, the day had started to darken.

"Come in Sirius," Remus called.

"We've gotten an owl from Dung," Sirius said as he stepped into the room. "The passports will be ready in the morning. He wants you to meet him at the Leaky at 10." Remus nodded. Sirius stuck his hands in the pockets of his jeans and leaned against the desk.

"I spoke to Harry," Sirius said and Remus' eyes flicked towards him.

"How is he?" Remus asked. Sirius sighed and scrubbed a hand down his face.

"He's not doing very well," Sirius admitted. Remus couldn't help the breath that hitched in his chest.

"This was the last thing I wanted to happen," he nearly whispered. "We should have left well enough alone."

"And left him there with that hag and that worthless pile of blubber?" Sirius demanded. "No way in hell, Moony. You did the right thing."

"Did I Padfoot?" Remus asked, sitting up and facing his friend. "Did I really? Harry hates me and I've made him hate his mother as well."

"He doesn't hate you Remus," Sirius said and Remus snorted. "Remember how excited he was to come with us?"

"Sure because he hated the Dursley's and saw us as a way out," Remus said. "Then reality hit. And now I've made him hate Lily." Remus shook his head and stood, walking to the window and looking out into the forest.

"So you and Lily made a mistake," Sirius said. "You can't punish yourself for it the rest of your life."

"That's just the thing Padfoot," Remus said. "Every time someone says that we made a mistake or talks about betraying James or I apologize, it must make Harry feel like no one really wanted him."

"How can you say that?" Sirius asked incredulously. "James worshipped the ground that boy crawled on and Lily came pretty damn close. I know you weren't around as much near the end, but you loved him too."

"But he doesn't remember any of that," Remus pointed out. "All he's got are stories and a few pictures. And now he finds out that what he's thought all this time isn't even true. He's got a father that can't get a job and a godfather who can't show his face in public. What can we possibly offer him Padfoot?"

"Love, Moony," Sirius said simply. "We're a damn sight better than that aunt and uncle of his, that's for sure. And I told you before, you don't have to worry about working. I've got plenty, not to mention the Potter vault."

"No," Remus said instantly. "No, I will not take a penny from James' vault. Harry can have it when he comes of age, but I won't use any of it to provide for him. It wouldn't be right."

"James would want you to have it," Sirius said.

"Are you listening to yourself Padfoot?" Remus snapped. "I slept with his _wife_. I don't think he would want me to have anything."

"She wasn't his wife then," Sirius said lamely.

"You're splitting hairs," Remus said with a sigh. "Has Harry eaten?"

"I took him a tray at lunch time," Sirius said. "I don't know if he's eaten it or not."

"Do you mind making dinner again while I talk to him?" Remus asked.

"Not a problem Moony," Sirius said. Remus sighed and left his room and went to Harry's. He knocked lightly.

"Harry, may I come in?" he called through the door. There was no response. "Harry?" Remus called again. He leaned his forehead against the door and closed his eyes. "I'm sorry, Harry. I know that I keep saying that but the truth is I don't know what else to say. I know this entire situation is a huge mess and that you've been completely overwhelmed by it all, but I want you to know that no matter what," Remus paused and pulled in a breath. "I love you Harry. I want you to stay here with me but if it's going to be too uncomfortable for you, I can leave and you can stay here with Sirius. Or I could call the Weasley's, I'm sure that Molly would love to have you if you'd rather go there. I just, I want you to be happy Harry. It's all I'll ever want for you." Remus stopped again and ran his fingers lightly over the door. "Just please Harry, please tell me what you want and I'll do it."

When there was still no response, Remus sighed and turned to go back to his room. He had only gotten about three steps from the door when he heard a soft click. He turned around to find his son standing in the open doorway, looking out at him.

"Do you really want to send me to the Weasley's?" Harry asked.

"No Harry, I don't want to send you anywhere," Remus replied. "I want to keep you here with me forever. But if you want to go somewhere else, I'll understand and," before Remus could finish what he had been about to say, Harry had run towards him and Remus instantly dropped to one knee and gathered the child to him. Harry buried his face in Remus' neck.

"No one's ever wanted me before," he whispered.

"Yes, son, yes they have," Remus managed to get out through the tears that were now running down his cheeks. "You were so very wanted, right from the start. Your mum and James, they loved you so much. And Sirius and I did too. You were the light Harry, the light in all that darkness that was going on around us. Don't ever think that no one wanted you. You were the reason we all kept going." He clung to his boy and Harry to him in the darkening hallway of the cottage. Remus could feel Harry's tears that were wetting his neck and soaking his robes, but he didn't care to move. Eventually, Remus felt a hand on his shoulder and glanced up to see Sirius standing behind them. Harry reached up a hand and Sirius grasped it with his free one and the three of them stood, the beginning of a family that none of them could have imagined just weeks ago, but a family all the same. And no one, Remus thought fiercely, no one was going to take his family away from him. Not ever again.

* * *

**14 July 1994**

Remus checked the inside pocket of his robes once again, just to be sure that the passports were still there. He'd picked them up from Dung this morning and they looked perfect. An owl from Dumbledore had arrived shortly after Remus returned and the three of them were on their way back up to the school once again.

After Harry had gone to bed the night before, Remus had told Sirius all about the boy's outburst. Sirius had then proceeded to tell Remus about the prophecy and the reasons for Voldemort coming after Harry in the first place.

"So it probably would have still happened if Lily had told everyone Harry was mine," Remus said with a sigh.

"Yeah, I'd say trying to turn the werewolves to the light would have been defying him," Sirius agreed. They had both decided to wait to tell Harry about it until things were more settled between the three of them, although they had every intention of doing so.

Harry had been quiet this morning, but not angry as he had been the day before. Remus knew that it was going to take more time for Harry to get used the entire situation, but Remus was willing to give Harry as much time as he needed. Having Sirius with them helped. He was like a buffer between the two and he truly was Harry's godfather, as Remus knew he would have made the same choice had he been acknowledged as Harry's father from the start. Remus was a bit concerned about Sirius staying in one place given the fact that he was a fugitive, but Sirius insisted that very few people knew the cottage even existed and most of them were dead. They could always move if need be. Sirius' family had more than a few properties and all of them were warded to the hilt, quite a few known only to the Black's.

Remus had spent most of the night studying Lily's spell and while he hoped to Merlin he was wrong, he had a strong suspicion as to how the glamour had lasted such a long time. He hadn't told Sirius his suspicions yet, but he knew one thing, the animagus was not going to be happy about it, not by any stretch of the imagination.

Sirius had given Remus access to his vault with a magically enhanced letter to the goblins. Remus had withdrawn an almost obscene amount of cash that morning before he'd met with Mundungus and it hadn't even come close to putting a dent in what remained. Sirius was right. They'd never spend it all in five lifetimes. But, they were ready to flee if need be, although Remus sincerely hoped it wouldn't come to that.

They planned to drop Harry off in the kitchens with Dobby on their way up, although Sirius was a little wary about this.

"Why can't we just bring him with us and put a muffliato around him?" Sirius had asked that morning. "You know as well as I that Hogwarts house elves are beholden to the Headmaster. What if Dumbledore orders Dobby to keep Harry in the castle?"

"I don't think it will come to that, but if it does, Dobby is a free elf, don't forget," Remus had said. "You offer to hire him and tell him he can take care of Harry and I think his allegiance will change very quickly. He adores Harry after all."

"I hope you're right Moony," Sirius had replied with a shake of his head.

They were now riding up the stairs to Dumbledore's office after having left Harry in the kitchens. Dobby had readily agreed to come and work for them once he found out that he would be helping take care of Harry. Dobby had wanted to tell Dumbledore right away, but Remus had been able to convince him to wait until they were ready to leave. Remus avoided telling Sirius, 'I told you so.'

Remus' heart was pounding as the stairs crept closer to the headmaster's office. He wasn't sure he was going to like what the headmaster had to say, but then again, Dumbledore probably wasn't going to like what Remus had to say either.

"Good afternoon gentlemen," Dumbledore said as he ushered the two inside. "Thank you for coming so quickly." The two settled in chairs in front of his desk. "I want to ensure the two of you that I have thought about this very carefully and I am afraid that I cannot make the recommendation that Harry live with Remus at this time." Remus grabbed Sirius' arm to forestall his protest.

"This is a very delicate matter which must be handled with the utmost of care, for both Harry and our world at large," Dumbledore continued. "The fame that Harry holds is in part due to the actions of James and Lily on that fateful night and to besmirch Lily's memory in such a way would not bode well for young Harry. I am also worried for Harry's state of mind. The boy has spent nearly fourteen years knowing who his parents were, not to mention consistently being told how much he resembles James. I fear that if things change too much that Harry will fall into a depression. In fact, I find I must broach the topic of possibly wiping the last few days from his memory."

"Please tell me you're joking," Sirius said, his mouth hanging open.

"Alas Sirius, I am not," Dumbledore said heavily. "I fear that the shock of this announcement may affect Harry in ways we cannot even imagine at this point. Surely the two of you do not want the boy to suffer needlessly."

"You mean the way he has been suffering all these years at the Dursely's?" Remus asked, his voice remarkably calm for as angry as he was. How dare Albus propose to obliviate his son! Dumbledore sighed.

"I will admit that Petunia did not take to Harry as I hoped that she would, but they have kept him sheltered, fed and clothed all these years," the old wizard said.

"Sheltered? Fed? Clothed?" Sirius sneered. "Well I suppose if you consider sleeping in a cupboard for ten years, barely given enough food to keep moving every day and wearing clothes twenty sizes too large for him, then yes, Petunia did a smashing job. What about love, Albus? What about compassion or understanding? For fuck's sake, what about simple kindness? Because I can assure you that Harry got none of these things from his so-called relatives."

"Sirius, I realize that you are upset," Dumbledore began, but Sirius cut him off.

"Upset doesn't even _begin_ to cover it, old man," Sirius spat.

"Sirius, please," Remus said, putting a hand on his friend's arm. He turned back to the headmaster. "I spent last night looking over Lily's charm. As you know a normal glamour charm can last for a few days until it starts to fade and Lily was looking for something she didn't have to recast over and over. She did a wonderful job and the spell is intricate, however it is not so intricate or powerful that it would have lasted all these years. Harry should have returned to his normal appearance hours after her death, a day at most."

"I appreciate the fact that you are a very intelligent man Remus," Dumbledore replied. "But in this case you are obviously wrong as young Harry is still under the glamour."

"Yes, that was my initial thought as well, I'll admit," Remus said. "However, the more I thought about it, the more I began to wonder. You did say that you went through the wreckage of the house and salvaged what you could, did you not?" Dumbledore nodded. "And you also personally took James and Lily's trunks and put them in their vault along with some other more valuable items?"

"That is correct," the headmaster replied.

"Did you happen to look through the trunks, Albus?" Remus asked. He could see Sirius looking at him from the corner of his eye and Remus knew that his friend was starting to figure out what Remus was doing.

"Of course," Dumbledore answered. "I inspected everything that went into the Potter vault that day. Is there a point to this line of questioning?"

"Yes, actually there is," Remus said. "The only way the glamour that Lily placed on Harry could still be in place would be if someone else renewed it after her death. Someone who had access to the charm and Harry only hours after James and Lily were killed. As far as I know that would be Hagrid and you, Albus. And since we all know that Hagrid isn't capable of performing such a spell, given the current accessibility of his wand, that leaves you. Harry was here at Hogwarts for nearly an entire day before you left him on the Dursley's front step, wasn't he?" Sirius looked from Remus to Dumbledore and nearly jumped over the desk.

"You son of a bitch!" he roared.

"Sirius!" Remus shouted, grabbing his friend around the waist and shoving him back into his chair. "This isn't helping!"

"But he," Sirius spluttered.

"I know!" Remus said. "Please, just let me handle this." Sirius glowered at him, but remained in his seat.

"That is a delightful story Remus," Dumbledore said. "However, you have no proof."

"You're right, I don't," Remus replied. "Yet." Dumbledore quirked an eyebrow.

"Did you know that when the dementors come near Harry, he remembers James and Lily being killed?" Remus asked and he saw Dumbledore twitch just slightly. "Yes, it shocked me too when I found out last year. Who would have ever imagined that a child could have lucid memories from such a young age? It intrigued me so much that I started researching it and much to my surprise, found that a wizard in Sweden, a skilled legilimens, has done extensive research in childhood memories. It is a long process, but not an overly difficult one for someone who has the skill. I am sure that someone of this wizard's caliber would be more than happy to work with someone as famous as Harry. I have no doubt that he would be able to find Harry's memories from the day that he spent here." Remus let his last statement hang in the air as the room went silent, not even the portraits making a sound.

"I am sure that such an experimental method would not be recognized by the courts," Dumbledore said.

"Perhaps not," Remus agreed. "That is why we've made secondary arrangements." Dumbledore looked at Remus quizzically.

"Britain is not the only country with a magical population," Remus said simply.

"You would take Harry and run, would you?" Dumbledore asked and Remus was a bit gratified to see a trace of fear in the man's eyes.

"I don't want to," Remus admitted. "His friends are here and I know how much he loves Hogwarts. Not to mention the prophecy." Remus took in the slight widening of the headmaster's eyes. "That's right, James and Lily told Sirius about the prophecy when they asked him to be their secret keeper and he told me about it last night. So I know how important you feel Harry is. If you force my hand, I will do what needs to be done to keep my son with me and safe." Remus settled back in his chair and folded his hands in his lap. He glanced at Sirius and saw the large grin that covered his face. Remus longed to mirror it, but he dared not, not yet anyway. Dumbledore contemplated the two of them for a few moments before smiling and sitting back in his chair.

"I must admit Remus, I did not think you had that in you," the headmaster said. "Very Slytherin if I do say so myself." Remus inclined his head in acknowledgement. "However, I do have my Slytherin tendencies as well." Before he could continue Remus spoke up again.

"Before you say anything Albus, there was just one other thing," Remus said. "We spoke to Dobby on our way up here and Sirius hired him. He will be leaving Hogwarts with us today." Remus saw the flash of anger in the old wizard's eyes for a split second before he masked his features.

"Very well," Dumbledore said. "It seems you have left me with no choice. I shall contact the Ministry and let you know about the time of the hearing."

"Thank you Albus," Remus said as he stood. "Let's go Sirius."

"Just a minute Moony," Sirius said. He turned back to the headmaster. "I've always known you were manipulative Albus and that you cared more about the greater good than the individual, but I never thought you'd go this far. You kept Remus from his son for twelve years and knowing what I do now, I don't doubt that you didn't fight all that hard to keep me out of Azkaban. You sentenced Harry to a horrible childhood because it was no childhood at all. I don't think I will be able to trust you ever again and worse, you have lost my respect." With that Sirius turned on his heel and left the office. Remus stared at the man that he used to revere above any other, the man that had made it possible for him to come to school and he felt nothing but disappointment.

"I will always be grateful for everything you did to allow me to attend school here, but I have to echo Sirius' statement. You've disappointed me Albus and worse, you hurt an innocent boy in the process. That is something I don't think I can ever forgive you for." Remus turned and followed his friend from the office, neither of them noticing the remorseful look or the brightness in the man's eyes.

* * *

The two reached the kitchens and went inside, their eyes instantly finding Harry at a table which was covered in food. Sirius chuckled as the two approached.

"Well?" Harry asked, looking back and forth between his father and his godfather.

"Let's go home, son," Remus said with a smile.

"Really?" Harry said, his face lighting up.

"Really," Sirius assured him. Harry jumped up and hugged Sirius and then Remus. Harry looked up at his father, his arms still around his waist.

"And I get to stay? For good?" Harry asked.

"Forever," Remus said kissing the top of the boy's head when he hugged him again. Remus looked up and silently thanked Lily for giving him such a gift. Sirius clapped him on the back and ruffled Harry's hair and the three of them left Hogwarts with Dobby to begin their new life together.

* * *

**A/N2 - So, I never intended to take this story any further than this point. In fact, when I first started writing, Harry wasn't going to come into it much at all. It was going to focus almost solely on Remus and Lily. But, as per usual, the story took on a life of its own and here we are. As of now, I don't have any plans for a sequel, but I won't say never as who knows when a plot bunny will make itself known. I want to thank everyone who has read and especially those that have reviewed! I hope that you all enjoyed it and feel free to check out my other stories! :)**


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